More people are single today than ever before — and many of them report not feeling sad, lonely, or looking for another person in their lives. Behavioral economist Peter McGraw — who is a lifelong bachelor himself — tackles the topic in his new book called Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own.
McGraw, age 53, tells KCRW that he’s not against marriage, but it’s overprescribed for everyone. He also had some near misses at wedlock.
He shares that in his late 30s, he was dating a wonderful woman (who he calls “the fashionista” in the book), but the relationship ended partly because he didn’t want to have children, whereas she did.
“I was grieving that relationship. And I was doing something that I think a lot of single people do. I was wondering: What was wrong with me? Why can't I make this work?” he says. “And I had this insightful moment in which I realized that I'm happy when I'm single, and my life was not less than. Of course, I had problems, but a marriage wasn't going to solve my particular set of problems. And that was really important for me, my shoulders dropped as a result of that insight.”
“I'm not trying to convince people not to get married. I'm not trying to convince people to get divorced and say, ‘Come on over to the dark side.’ I just want people who are doing it or contemplating it to see it as a viable way to live,” says Peter McGraw. Credit: Josh Mishell
McGraw emphasizes that his life is healthy and vibrant — with stable finances, a teaching and researching career, decades-long friendships, and community activism.
“One of the great things about singlehood is that it opens up time and space and energy [and] money … to pursue remarkable things, to invest in their education, to invest in their communities.”
What about the surgeon general’s advisory that loneliness is an epidemic in the U.S., especially after the COVID pandemic lockdowns and explosion of social media?
McGraw acknowledges, “When forced upon you, when you don't want solitude, it is incredibly debilitating.” However, he says when you want solitude, it’s beneficial for rest, recovery, creativity, reflection, and spiritual pursuits.
Plus, putting in extra work to develop friendships — a chosen family — is increasingly important as people age. That goes for married folks too: “[It’s] 50% likely your spouse is going to die before you do. And if you are isolated within that relationship, now you become isolated. And so having multi-generational friendships, having connections to the community, is imperative.”
Peter McGraw’s book is “Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own.” Credit: Diversion Books.
For those who want to raise kids, doing so alone is extra tough, so he suggests leaning on multi-generational and extended family structures.
Then when it comes to sex, McGraw says, “A lot of the pro-marriage folks like to cite the data that say that the married people have more sex than single people. But we get the benefit of novelty and variety.”
As for Valentine’s Day, McGraw says he generally ignores it, then buys flowers the next day at a steep discount. “I see it as winning. My married friends have to pay premium prices for their flowers. And I don't.”
“I think of Valentine's Day, I think it's unfortunate because … it could be pitched as a celebration of love broadly. And single people have lots of love in their life. I have love in my heart for … my friends, my chosen family. But what ends up happening is because it's a celebration of one particular, very narrow style of love, you get one set of winners — the folks who are happily partnered. You get the people who are unhappily partnered trying to appear happily partnered and feeling bad about it. And then the people who are straight-up being seen as less than. … I get to at least escape all of those things with my new perspective.”