The U.S. surgeon general has declared a new epidemic in the United States: loneliness. It’s outlined in an 80-page report, which says loneliness increases the risk of premature death, comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. KCRW talks to Turhan Canli, neuroscience professor at Stony Brook University, and Kate Murphy, who’s written about why not listening increases loneliness.
Loneliness is not just associated with emotional problems like depression and anxiety, but physical conditions such as heart disease, cancer, accelerated aging, and even cognitive decline, Canli tells KCRW.
In total, more than 1,000 genes in the brain are involved in socializing. He contends that when someone is chronically lonely, that can turn into physical stress.
“What happens when you're stressed out is that your body produces stress hormones. And these stress hormones can work as little switches that can affect the expression of genes. They can upregulate a gene. They can down-regulate a gene,” Canli explains. “Any gene that has a lock for that key that fits that hormone can be altered in its expression value. And so that's one of the ways we can think about how social experiences can alter gene expression.
So what’s causing the loneliness? Technology and the illusion of connection, says Murphy, the author of “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.”
Murphy points to text messaging, which may give the appearance of talking with someone. But more is needed for deep connection.
The surgeon general’s report says people ages 15-24 are especially lonely. Murphy says that’s due in part to a lack of opportunities to socialize.
“The amount of time we spend during the day listening to other people — it has been cut in half in the past 100 years. And we used to make it a priority. You could work really hard during the day, but there was always that time where you sat down and you talked to people. … It's this gradual eroding of our opportunities, our experiences with other people, that has led us to where we are right now.”
Murphy says that some people put off their social interactions, thinking that another opportunity may arise. But she argues that sometimes that makes connecting even more challenging.
“We think that we're going to have the time later. And then after a while, when we do have time, we almost feel ashamed to reach out to the friend that we've neglected for that long. And so it just becomes a spiral.”
She argues that connecting and spending time should be a priority, much like eating or brushing your teeth.
“Loneliness is like thirst and hunger. It is a clue that something's really not right when you're feeling lonely. And so to pay attention to that, and also realize: I haven't been with someone. And it's not only being with that person. … It's really knowing how to listen to another person, to allow them in, to connect, and to ask them questions and really be present when you're with another person. So it's making time for the interaction, but also the quality of the interaction.”