General Freebie

Hello, this is Svetlana Maksimovroskrakghaya with Social Studies for KCRW. I have always liked Toronto Film Festival because its good way to pick up new clients and catch up with old ones, but this year was a little more difficult, because the majority of my time there was spent watching The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. The film should have been called What Happens When You Put a Bunch of Already Somewhat Nervous Types of People That Are Afraid of Each Other in one Room Together for Extended Periods of Time.

I am telling you no plot, no characters just lots of men in bowler hats and generalized anxiety. It was like backstage at Fosse audition. Brad Pitt -- big killer but nervous all the time, Casey Affleck -- cute smile but nervous all the time, Sam Rockwell -- not too bright to know what's going on, but guess what, still nervous all the time. Scene after scene of them sitting together staring at each other, laughing nervously. Like bunch of guys that are about to try Viagra for first time, and are afraid it will last so long they won't be able to go out and buy cigarettes. Maybe that should have been subplot.

I wish they gave two measurements for movie length, actual running time and psychological running time, because in this case RT was two and half hours and PRT three days. It felt longer than my sessions with Andersen Cooper. And those feel like forever. "Oh, Please Svetlana, let's try again, I am telling you this time it will work. It's ok, Andie, maybe I'm just not your type, now dry your tears, put on little flak jacket and run along to Coffee Bean."

You know I really wanted to like this film because Bradkie is good guy, and I actually just had bagel with him and Angie last Tuesday. She had big poppy seed stuck in her front tooth and I told her for the love of God, Angie , keep it there, where people can see it, your perfection is doing more harm to American psyche than the war in Iraq.

And I have had it up to my bosom with Iraq already. Ach. I had to spend 14 hours straight cuddling General Petraeus last week and it was not easy. He is a horrible spooner, every time he starts to fall asleep his body suddenly jolts upright, it's very unsettling. And he mumbles non-stop, I am telling you if I hear the words pre-surge, post-surge or hindsight 20/20 one more time, I am going to kill somebody.

But I felt bad the poor guy was so distraught, I didn't even charge him for session, and I've only done that for three clients my entire life -- Elia Kazan, Milli Vanilli, and Beverly D'Angelo. And you know its my fault because I am the one who told the General to always be positive, regardless of the facts on the ground. And the fact is, he is worrying for nothing. He won't be able to finish job anyway. Before he knows it the new President will withdraw US troops leaving big mess and within a week Ahmadinejad will be in there to clean it up, He already told me he can't wait for us to go so he can start building new condominium complexes. He even offered me free membership at health club, which he says is going to be state-of-the-art. I told him, my body is already state of the art, Mr. Muppet face, I don't need health club in Mosul.

Anyway I have to go, Bertie Gonzales wanted to show me funny photos of this new Mukasey guy that's replacing him. He has been fiddling with PhotoShop all morning like a five year old.

This is Svetlana Maksimovroskrakghaya with Social Studies for KCRW. Jazz hands