After marrying and divorcing three times before the age of 42, Tracy McMillan decided something had to change. Why was she unable to settle? What caused her to be “such a colossal failure” in marriage? A traumatic childhood may have influenced her ability to connect. At three months she was given up by her mother, her father was later incarcerated and she bounced between 24 foster homes for the duration of her childhood. McMillan finally came to the realization that with all her relationship failures, the “common denominator” was her: “I don't think you necessarily get that from one divorce. I think you have to really go through some relationships enough times to be convinced that it's you.”
McMillan’s inquiry into why she was unable to sustain a marriage led to a viral article and a book Why You're Not Married . . . Yet: The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve. Though McMillan is not a therapist, rather an observer and writer, much of what she does talk about is grounded in psychology, like attachment theory and insecure strategies. She explores ideas which are a result of her own experience, self-inquiry and research.
“If you are in a marriage with insecure attachment strategies, you're either going to do work to move towards security, or secure strategies, or you're probably going to break up or you're going to stay together unhappily,” McMillan says.
McMillan also shares that she took “time off” - 20 years to figure herself out. Diving into marriage isn’t always the answer but more like role playing. Today’s culture puts enormous pressure on finding that perfect “happy ever after.” From fairy tales to Hollywood movies, reality shows and our Instagram feeds, “‘til death do us part” has become the ultimate goal for many.
“You're either in the fantasy of The Bachelor or the fantasy of the person who doesn't need anybody and is like, the rugged individualists, whether it's female, male, whatever. So I do think we need some new ideas in the culture on this. They just need to get together and have some new voices.”
Tracy McMillan, pictured here, says, “I'm just looking for somebody with the right stuff wrong… So usually, your partner can be difficult, but if you know who you are, and you know your worth, it's not that big of a deal.” Photo courtesy of Onyx Collective.