Though we may strive for peace and calm in our lives, conflict, discord, war, and violence are a part of the human story.
Our earliest human ancestors learned to survive and thrive by problem solving and by working together — through rules, norms, and cooperation, small groups of people established communities, which later evolved into larger, more sophisticated societies and civilizations. “Generally speaking, humans, from the get go, have been pretty good at working out their problems, because we really saw that we profoundly needed each other to survive,” says Peter Coleman, professor of psychology and education at Columbia University.
Coleman, who directs the Morton Deutsch International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, says the field of conflict resolution and the global desire for peace grew substantially after World War II, particularly “in the shadow of Nagasaki and Hiroshima [with] atomic weapons being the source of great fear and concern for the human species.”
It was Coleman’s mentor, Morton Deutsh, who came up with the theory that conflict is “this kind of naturally occurring thing that we need in our life,” he says. “We don't learn without conflict… unless there's an idea that comes in and challenges our assumptions, we don't learn.” Coleman further explains that, “our relationships grow through conflict; societies and arrangements become fairer through conflict.”
He points to research that shows that within groups of people or societies where communication, attitudes towards one another, and friendliness are higher, efficacy at resolving conflicts is improved. Costa Rica is one such example, involving a key change made to education
“They started to mandate, in terms of how they socialized their kids in education, tolerance, training, and conflict resolution and peace education, which is sort of a moral and an ethical framework,” Coleman explains, adding that that also includes skills for how to “listen to people and learn from them, not see them as a threat, and work through your problems together.”
Although it may seem counterintuitive within our own personal relationships, conflict and disagreement can be more constructive than we think. Coleman refers to the work of John and Julie Gottman, who have studied marital conflict with thousands of couples.
“In romantic couples, conflict is essential,” Coleman explains. “You need conflict in order to grow and learn together as partners. But you need to have the conditions where there's enough trust and respect and rapport, that you can tolerate conflict, and it doesn't trigger the worst side of you, or sort of crazy responses; better, more positive relationships can ultimately tolerate and learn from conflict, as opposed to becoming derailed by it.”
Coleman also addresses a different kind of conflict he’s observed in recent years. In his book The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization, Coleman says “we're not in a place of normal polarization, where you have two sides that are problem solving, and working things out and pushing against each other to come up with better solutions … people are actually trying to kill each other, and see the other side as the greatest threat to the US. And that is a different kind of problem.”
The increase in political polarization in the U.S. requires a different type of approach and response, according to Coleman. Social media and phones play into this equation. Coleman says that these media companies have built a “business model built around triggering our outrage … algorithms will push more provocative content to us, through our phones, through our computers and on mainstream media, so that we’re often through a day triggered, triggered again, and again, and again.”
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In “The Way Out: How to Overcome Toxic Polarization” author Peter Coleman argues that the “political polarization in the US today is a different animal…there aren't quick fixes and we have to kind of think about those things differently and really prepare differently.” Peter Coleman, pictured here, says that “conflict is this kind of naturally occurring thing that we need in our life — we don't learn without conflict.” Photo courtesy of Peter Coleman