Finding an ideal partner can be an elusive quest. Over the past three decades, attitudes on relationship roles and dynamics have shifted. Thanks to online dating, people of all ages have the opportunity to cast a wider net, expanding their horizons and redefining their expectations.
The journey doesn't stop at finding a partner; maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship is the ultimate goal. As challenges arise, seeking support from a therapist before issues become deeply rooted can prove to be one of the most effective ways to foster a lasting connection.
“Relationships are like cement,” says therapist and relationship expert Lori Gottlieb. “In the beginning there’s some flexibility around how you interact and what you can ask for, but if you don't set up those patterns, like cement, it dries very fast and once it dries, it's very hard to change.”
The encouraging news is that, while couples therapy has been available for some time, recent events like the global pandemic, coupled with an increased awareness of mental health matters, have effectively destigmatized the practice. Psychology and psychotherapy have gained prominence through media ranging from podcasts and YouTube videos to publications like The New York Times.
Gottlieb, author of “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” explains that therapy can help couples discover effective communication and a better appreciation that their story is only one side of the picture.
“[A couple has] had a shared experience and yet, they are very different versions of what actually occurred in that shared experience and both are absolutely true, from their perspective,” she says.
Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of letting go of our old narratives and explains why doing so — and change in general — is so hard.
“[It’s] partly because of that fear of uncertainty, but also because we don't believe that we deserve something better,” she says. “There's this deep-seated belief [of] I can't have that, or I'm not good enough, or I don't deserve that.”
Gottlieb reflects on the importance of perspective and thinking about our mortality and legacy.
“We shouldn't need a death sentence [or] a cancer diagnosis to be aware of what's important in our lives and to be intentional when we wake up every day about what matters to us,” she says.
Gottlieb instead suggests considering how we want to be remembered.
“Do they remember you for harsh words or do they remember kind words? Do they remember that you had a vitality or a passion for something, or do they remember that you were too afraid to really put yourself out there in the world?”
“Most people when they come into therapy ask, ‘How can I change this other person?’” says Lori Gottlieb. “And I always say, ‘You can't change another person, but you can influence another person by doing something different.’” Photo by Rohina Hoffman.
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