In her latest book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, author and teen therapist Lisa Damour explores common challenges and misconceptions that parents face while raising teenagers.
The transition from childhood to adulthood, which occurs between the ages 11-15, is a time when the brain rapidly transforms. Once you add hormones and emotions into the mix it’s a rollercoaster for teens… and their parents.
“They have this supercharged emotional capacity that they don't have a good grip on yet. Their brain is accessible to [thematically rich] novels like To Kill a Mockingbird in a whole new way. [They are] also able to invent very bizarre and interesting situations, or view the world in a whole new [and] profoundly philosophical way.”
Lisa Damour says despite concerns about social media and mental health, there’s some good data to suggest that parents today “are raising the safest generation of teenagers on record compared to past generations. They are not doing drugs very much. They are not smoking cigarettes. They are vaping, but not as much as we were smoking cigarettes. They are not sexually active. They wear their bike helmets. They wear their seat belts. They are really well-behaved.”
Damour also addresses the complex relationship between social media and teen mental health, advocating for a balanced approach. She acknowledges both the benefits and potential risks associated with digital engagement: “The ease of access is completely different than it ever was before and [it’s] not good for kids. So there are very real factors at work here. We just have to acknowledge [that] there's always what's happening in any given generation — there's good stuff, and there's bad stuff, and it's complicated.”
And when it comes to having access to social media, Damour suggests this: “Know your kid, go slow. Watch their behavior, let them be connected to their peers. Keep technology from messing with their sleep and use what you know about your kid to make good decisions.”
Another issue Damour says parents struggle with is having open communication with their teens. She suggests that parents can support their adolescents through these formative years by validating their children's feelings and providing a stable presence. Establishing trusting relationships and maintaining active involvement in their lives can help teens navigate challenges more effectively.
“The kids' version of connectedness is our agenda-less presence,” Damour tells us, “that they know where we are, they can come find us if they've got questions, or [want to know] what's for dinner, or if they're upset — they can find us. But we're not so much with the questions, and we're not so much with the agenda. What I hear from kids is that their favorite time with their family is if they're in the car and the parent will let them control the music. They can show their parents what they're listening to and their parents are interested in what they like.”
Lisa Damour, pictured here, says that teenagers “want empathy, they want validation, they want comfort. Steady presence, steady presence, steady agenda-less, presence… that's basically what teenagers are looking for.” Photo courtesy of Downie Photo.
In her book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, psychologist Lisa Damour describes the intense emotional experiences characteristic of adolescence. And she offers tips for parents navigating this developmental stage.