When it comes to living a healthy life, the art of forgiveness is often overlooked. Perhaps, that’s because we don’t fully appreciate how holding a grievance against someone can impact our own lives.
It was an issue that psychologist Fred Luskin grappled with personally.
Luskin is the author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. He’s also one of the world's leading researchers on the art of forgiveness, and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project.
“I was betrayed, I became a mess, and it was not pretty,” Luskin shares. “I was interpersonally obnoxious to too many people. It went on for way too long because I kept on trying to make myself feel better by attacking the person that hurt me in my head … The event forced to forgive what hurt me because nothing else worked.”
Much of our difficulty with forgiveness, Luskin believes, stems from misunderstanding what forgiveness really means. It’s not the same as reconciliation; not every act of forgiveness requires repairing the relationship with the person who caused harm.
“Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same,” Luskin asserts. “Forgiveness is when you heal your heart. You open back up to life [after you previously were] shut down because something was too painful to open back up to. But, you don't get a lobotomy just because you open your heart back up. You still have to be safe and careful, so you may never go home again for Christmas, or you may never talk to the person that harmed you… But you don't walk around bitter or blaming them for why your life isn't working.”
Luskin also emphasizes how hurt can lead to unhealthy “grievance stories.” These narratives often position the victim as blameless and powerless, blaming others for their pain while shirking the responsibility for healing: “The grievance story [contains lines like] ‘it was totally not my fault and I'm not responsible for healing myself. I'm a victim, you're bad, and I'm not responsible.’ … [That way] I can keep on blaming you for the fact that I have a crappy life.”
So why is forgiveness so essential? As Luskin explains, “Forgiveness is making peace when you didn't get what you want[ed]. It honors the vulnerability of not getting what you want and reminds us that one of the crucial life tasks is to learn to become more resilient.”
Luskin’s research also indicates profound emotional and physical benefits. “[Forgiveness] lowers the physical symptoms of stress, helps ameliorate depression, makes you less angry, makes you more hopeful, and can lower blood pressure. Other research has shown that it can reduce the incidence of heart disease and can reduce the experience of pain. When you're angry, it intensifies the signals of physical pain. Unforgiveness can work on the heart to make it more vulnerable to certain problems.”
To practice forgiveness, Luskin advises starting with simple mindfulness techniques: “When you're upset, calm down. It's that simple, that direct, that clear. Instead of blaming, instead of telling yourself 50 stories … calm down, take a couple of breaths. Knit, take a walk, pet your dog, look out the window. Remember you are loved.”
Fred Luskin, picture here, says: “Our grudges obscure light's beauty, they obscure love, and they obscure all the ways that we have been graced in life. They give you a distorted picture.” Photo courtesy of Fred Luskin