Why Does Playing Hard to Get Work? full transcript

[MUSIC]

Myisha: Hey everybody, how are you today? Today's episode is so special for me because a few weeks ago, I was able to check something off of my bucket list. We here at KCRW and the How's Your Sex Life crew were invited to participate in On Air Fest. And if you don't know what On Air Fest is, the best way I can explain it is it's a podcast festival. And it celebrates all things auditory. So it was just a really fun vibe of audio nerds of which I'm a part of. So what you're about to hear is from our studio recording of How's Your Sex Life, and we did that at On Air Fest with a small audience, which was very cool. It was definitely a first for me, and we just had a blast. So I hope you enjoy.

[MUSIC]

Myisha: From KCRW this is How's Your Sex Life. And I am live here at dublabs’ for On Air Fest with my lovely and talented producer, Gina Delvac, who is going to be serving me all the questions from On Air Fest participants who have been milling around engaging with podcast content all afternoon. And we're here to ask them how's your sex life and give them some solid advice. We got quite a few questions.

Gina: Yes, we did.

Myisha: This is going to be great.

Gina: Yeah!

Myisha: So I think kind of maybe we should just do rapid fire.

Gina: Heck yea.

Myisha: See how many we can get through. And then if people in the audience have questions, I'm happy to field them live. We have an open mic here. So you can step up and ask your question live as well.

Gina: Yep. Okay. And just a reminder for the audience listening, either streaming or later to this episode, you can send your questions to sex life at kcrw dot org. Are you ready for the first question?

Myisha: I am ready.

Gina: What are things you can do to make you feel sexy when that reality feels unattainable?

Myisha: Yeah, so a lot of my clients suffer from low desire

Gina: And clients in what Myisha? Tell us about it.

Myisha: Well, I'm a sex and dating coach. So I get a variety of folks who are partnered, who are dating, who are, you know, in monogamous relationships, or open relationships. And I have to tell you, that low desire is something that people in all stages of relationship suffer from. So I think in these times, in particular, it's difficult to feel sexy. News can be a real downer. I know, we're all you know, guilty of the doom scroll. Not only that, but I think our our focus has been pulled away from our bodies. A lot of us walk through the world, very neck up. And to be a very sexual person, you really have to be in touch with what's going on from the neck down. So a great practice that I encourage my clients to, to have is that of mindfulness, practicing tapping into your five senses. Certainly, certainly limiting and restricting your screen time because if you're constantly taking in new information, and not allowing yourself to sort of process and ground, there's no way that you're going to be able to flip that switch when you actually want to become sexual with yourself or with a partner. So having a mindfulness practice can be really helpful. A really easy exercise is just sort of working through your senses. So what do you see? What do you smell what you taste? What do you hear? And what do you feel on your skin? And this can be something that you do throughout the course of your day. This could also be a really fun activity to do before a sex session, by yourself or with a partner. So I hope this is helpful for this question asker.

Gina: Yeah, and after every question, I'm going to make eyes that you guys see if anyone wants to come up. Okay, not yet. Okay, our next question. ‘I'm a cis het woman in my 30s. I find that when I don't try men are more responsive to me. Like if I don't initiate or write back. This feels sexist and dumb. Why are men like this? Help?!’ And actually, she said, help question mark exclamation point.

Myisha: There's some interrobangs in there. I love that. So there is this kind of trope of the playing hard to get. And the reason that it's a trope is because unfortunately, it works. So there's also something to this idea of like, finding what you want when you're not looking for it. Which I find it troubling, a) that playing hard to get works because I'm more of a like, lay it on the table kind of gal, you know, definitely let people know what you're looking for, and that will actually attract what you're really looking for. But this person is actually seeing somehow that her vibe might be different when she's not, quote unquote, trying. So I say, maybe use that to your advantage. If you're on dating apps, maybe like, play up the, the part of yourself that is okay with being single. You know what I mean? Like, if this is working for you, then there could be something with your vibe that's off when you're like, trying to attract people or like you're working too hard and it's becoming uh maybe it's not presenting your best self to people who are looking for a partner. So, you know, I still maintain that you should put what you want out there and that's something that you can also put in your dating profile, you're looking for a long term partnership, or casual or whatever it is. But I also think like, you know, take a lesson from yourself of what, you know, what is my vibe, when I'm like, kind of taking it easy on myself in my dating life? And just letting people show up for me in that space.

Gina: Love that. Next question is, ‘What happens to the body's sexual response after prolonged celibacy?’

Myisha: Yeah, it's a good question. And the answer is it varies from person to person. And depending on when you are being celibate in your life. So if you're somebody who's in your 20s, and you are taking time away from sex, chances are that you're going to spring right back into action, because you have hormones on your side. When we are much younger, we have an abundance of hormones. And that drives us to to follow our sexual impulses. It's just how it is, if you think back to your 20s, of course, you were like a different kind of sexual person. And that's actually why I encourage people to think about, you know, their life in terms of sexual seasons that they're going through, and not try to compare like what you were in the past to who you are now, because you may be in a different sexual season. So being celibate in your 30s, you might notice that, you know, taking time away from sex and coming back to it, desire might be a little lower. You may have, depending on how late in your 30s, you might start to see maybe some issues with sexual functioning. Your gender plays into this as well. So men tend to see a drop in testosterone, late 30s and 40s. And women are going to experience lower estrogen levels and progesterone levels around perimenopause into menopause. So that can also play a factor. But in terms of like, I get the question of like, if I take a break from sex will like I be broken? Or like, will my vagina be so tight? Again, that I will it's just like sex will be so painful. No, that's not been anything that I've heard of from clients. Like, if you take a break from sex, and you want to be celibate for a while to like, just focus on other things, that's great. But I think just think about your stage of life and and that can help you to have realistic expectations about when when you come back to sex, what to expect.

Gina: This is a question from the opposite spectrum.

Myisha: Oh!

Gina: This writer asks, ‘Will my vagina go numb if I use my vibrator too much?’

Myisha: Oh my gosh Gina, we actually addressed this question in the podcast.

Gina: Yeah, I think the episode is called ‘Coming and Going?’

Myisha: Yea, we had someone write in who was using a Hitachi magic wand, which is very, very powerful, a great vibrator. But there is this fear that regardless of the strength of the vibrator, that you're going to become numb and not be able to receive pleasure in the same way. So this question asker, you know, is having some initial fears about that. And I would say that it's just good to have a nice masturbation repertoire. If you're going to use a toy, don't solely rely on one toy, using it the exact same way in the exact same, you know, for the exact same amount of time, every single time. Because there can be some numbing or desensitization that can happen, it's usually temporary. But if you're getting into a habit of using a vibrator, just be mindful that like you want to mix it up. So yeah, I mean, go forth, explore, see what works for your body, but don't become reliant on just one type of experience.

Gina: This next question you touched on a little bit earlier. ‘How do you prioritize sexual wellness within the context of a busy lifestyle?’

Myisha: Yeah, we're all busy. And I also think we're all very much motivated by accomplishment, and achievement, and feeling like we're doing things correctly and right. And with sex, that's not a framework that is very helpful for our sex lives. We have to be very flexible and understand that there are going to be times of high stress, where sex is very much going to be deprioritized in the relationship, whether that's for one partner, both, it ebbs and flows, right? What we see is that for couples in long term partnership, if you are averaging about once a week, having sex, that's actually a pretty good cadence. And of course, that can go down based on like, where you are in your life. A couple having sex once a week with two kids, for instance, might not be in the cards for any number of reasons. But think about like, during times, when you really really can't connect, there may be other times when when say you go on vacation, and you have unlimited amounts of time and space together. But you might get your numbers back up. Okay, so don't focus too much on like how much you can get done and making this like, concrete goal that you have to hit every single week because that's unsexy, it puts a lot of pressure on you on your partner. And it can definitely lead to negative sexual experiences that then that's, that's like a cycle that I see my clients in a lot where they feel so much pressure, they're having the sex, they're checking the box, but the sex is terrible. So like, let's really talk about quality over quantity please. So give yourself permission to take breaks, to communicate to your partner 'Listen, things are really hard for me,' but don't necessarily use that as a way to like put off sex either, like, make a plan, you know, think about times when you do anticipate that there's going to be less stress in your life. And even if something hits you from left field, like making sure that you make a priority of sex can be transformational in a relationship.

Gina: That sounds like in a relationship with yourself too.

Myisha: Absolutely.

Gina: Okay, I'm looking at the audience. Come on down! We have questions.

Myisha: Oh, we've got hands. Yay, brave souls. Hi.

Guest 1: Hi. So this is a biology question. What do you know about the correlation between orgasms and flexing your abs? Lower top, just the whole situation and your calf muscles?

Myisha: So is this something that you heard just out in the ether? Or is this a personal experience?

Guest 1: This is a personal ongoing experience!

Myisha: Yeah

Guest 1: There's breathing involved sometimes, but not all, like a…

Myisha: Yeah

Guest 1: You know a kind of methodical breathing situation. But in general.

Myisha: Yeah

Guest 1: Yeah

Myisha: So what I do know is that our pelvic floor is really, really helpful for for all genders to experience orgasms, and strengthening the pelvic floor most, by the way, I'm saying this with a big disclaimer that most people do not need to strengthen their pelvic floor, your pelvic floor is fine. For the most part, everybody's pelvic floor is fine! Let's lay off the kegels for a minute. In fact, with us being a culture that sits so much, you know, a lot of us work from home on our computers, etc. We actually have tighter pelvic floor muscles than our our helpful, which can lead to painful sex. I have a lot of clients who experienced pain during penetration. It's because they're just really tight. I interviewed a pelvic floor physical therapist many, many years ago for a podcast project I had, who was so enlightening, she told me that the pelvic floor is not just like the pelvic girdle that we think, but it goes up to our ribcage and actually down to our knees. So it connects to all of these muscle systems that we don't think about. From personal experience, I started doing pilates when I was in my early 30s and as a weird result, I start I started squirting. And I went to my pelvic or I went to my pilates instructor and I was like, 'what is going on? And why didn't you tell me that this was something that could happen to me?' And she was like, 'Well, that's not really my area, like, I'm not going to tell people, but it's a fun journey to go on, right?' And it was like absolutely.

Gina: Slippery roads ahead.

Myisha: Absolutely. So yes, there is a correlation. Um, having a strong pelvic floor can be very advantageous. And that would include your abdominals. And those muscles are also connected to down to your legs. So.

Guest 1: That's cool.

Myisha: Yeah, it's very cool. Bodies are awesome.

Guest 1: Bodies are great. Thank you!

Myisha: Thank you so much for that question. Oh, we have a hand.

Gina: Come on down!

Myisha: Brave soul number two! Oh, and what does your hat say? Funk and love.

Guest 2: My hat says funk and love.

Myisha: I thought it said fuck and love.

Gina: Which also, yes.

Guest 2: It's about the music.

Gina: Yeah there you go.

Guest 2: This is fun. I haven't done this since college radio.

Myisha: All right!

Gina: Welcome back.

Guest 2: So my question is about exploring different types of kinks and I guess in a non conventional way. I'm basing this on a book I read when I was an undergraduate called "Assuming the Ecosexual position: The Earth As Lover." The authors talk about things like being a hydrophile, a fungiphile, aerophile…

Myisha: Was it Annie Sprinkles' book?

Guest 2: It is! And Beth Stevens.

Myisha: Yeah.

Guest 2: And so they wrote it while they were in Santa Cruz. It's where I did my undergrad, and um.

Myisha: Where all the ecosexuals live

Guest 2: Yes, um and I, I had an easier time exploring that kink when I was in Santa Cruz in the Redwood Forest.

Myisha: Yeah

Guest 2: And, you know, now I'm back down here in Los Angeles, where I grew up. And, you know, while I do also have the other side where I am, like, personally attracted to like industrial culture and industrial motifs and things like that, from like, an artistic and bodily perspective, I'm wondering if you have any advice, you know, other than the occasional weekend camping trip…

Myisha: I do. I'm here for you.

Guest 2: Other ways to explore that nature kink in an urban environment.

Myisha: Yeah, I love this question so much. There is a company, they are based in LA, and they make kink products that are they're not made of natural materials, but they're made to look like natural materials. So your whip, for instance, at the end would be leather rose roses. So there's like, there's a way for you to have a an eco sexually informed kink experience in an urban environment and there are companies that will provide you with instruments to do this. Or you could take it upon yourself to make your own, which could be a really fun project for you to do individually or with a partner. Like what do we, what what elements do we want to bring in? And that could be like, we go to the park, and we like gather things for our kink project, we dry things over the week, and then we like assemble things, and then just do like a lot of sensory play with those elements. So like, or even going to, like a flower shop and buying dried flowers and things like that and being like, okay, what does this feel like for impact play? Or what does this feel like to be tied up with? etc? So I hope that is helpful. Are there any other like specific things that you want? Like, I want this sensation, and this type of, you know, ecological experience?

Guest 2: You know, I guess I am really just looking for more of a broad understanding and I think that it's just going to come with experience and actually experimenting to figure out what I'm actually looking for.

Myisha: Yes, I mean, your your best bet is to like be in nature, wherever you can in LA. And like, find what you're drawn towards, and then try to pull elements from that. For instance, if you're having like, a really sweet moment with a bird, like, buy feathers! Buy like, you know what I mean? Like, have that have that connection be something that you bring from the outdoors inside. Yeah.

Guest 2: Thank you.

Myisha: You're welcome.

Gina: Okay. Another write-in question. ‘What is the best way to communicate a fetish to a new partner?’

Myisha: Great question!

Gina: Nice transition for us.

Myisha: It is, yes. So we did a whole episode about kink. And that was our number six episode. And it was so great to talk to somebody who was very active in the kink community and talking about like, how he engages with people who have kinks. And sometimes fetishes are difficult to bring up, especially because fetishes require specificity. And so when that specificity is not met, it can be a really difficult and frustrating experience for the person with the fetish. So it really requires that you take a lot of time on the back end to try to meet people who are going to meet you and your fetish. If you are single and dating, there are plenty of places where you can put up a profile and be very specific about what your kink is. So you can talk to people who are attracted to that and see, you know, if you align because, you know, generally speaking, you know, a foot fetish is not just a foot fetish, right? It's some people are into smell. Some people are into feeling. Some people are into shoes, some people are into socks, some people are into toes, right? So you can see where the minutiae of this could be very important to find alignment. What I have seen in my practice is a lot of people with kinks or fetishes kind of dating in the normie world and then expecting that after they've made a deep connection with someone, they can reveal their kink, and everything will be hunky dory. And I would love for that to be the case every single time. I just think it's less likely to happen and can actually cause a lot of distress in a relationship as opposed to the way that I'm talking about it where you are very upfront about your kink, and you're fetish and what you want to do and find partners who can reflect that.

Gina: Next question. And for those that just joined in the room, we have an open mic and we received some submitted questions. So just holler if you want to come on down and ask your question.

Myisha: We've got just a few more minutes.

Gina: Yep. This next question, ‘How do you gauge when you have enough trust with a partner to talk about unprotected sex if that's your preference because of feeling?’

Myisha: I mean, you can talk about this as soon as you want to. I mean, if that's your preference, it doesn't mean you're gonna get it. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, you could say, look, I prefer unprotected sex.

Gina: The first date conversations about this are a little intense but...

Myisha: I mean, it's fine though! I mean, when we went through COVID, we had to talk to people about our comfort level being masked or unmasked. Let's just talk about how that is the exact same thing about talking about whether you're comfortable being condom-ed or uncondom-ed. All right. I think this is just very straightforward. And I look to my queer fellows, my my gay compadres who have STI disclosure conversations, like before the hookup even happens, because that's so important to be transparent about, you know, what you're bringing to the table, what you expect, and you know, just because you have a preference doesn't mean that that person is going to be okay with it. And that's fine. You need to find your people.

Gina: And can we make a shout out to we don't say clean? If you are negative for different STIs or STDs?

Myisha: Yes, we can

Gina: You can talk about what you may or may not be positive or negative for, make some assessments and move on.

Myisha: Yeah.

Gina: Okay. This is a question for you about your work.

Myisha: Okay!

Gina: How do you approach talking about what people consider such a taboo topic for living?

Myisha: I give them the gift of non judgment. Plain and simple I've been doing it since I studied this stuff. When I tell, when I told people when I was in my 20s that I was studying sex, immediately they ask me a million questions. It is the same experience to this day. What I like to do is provide a space for people's ungoogleable questions. I like to provide a space for people to say the thing that they needed to say to someone but didn't know who and to receive, you know, for somebody to receive that information and just go, okay, so what else? Like, tell me more about that! Tell me more about you. Something more about what you want, or tell me more about what you don't want. I think it's really important to provide that space for people

Gina:
Can I ask a follow up?

Myisha: Yeah!

Gina: In your personal life, do you set boundaries for yourself or in other relationships about like, 'Hey, in this dynamic, I don't really want to talk about this part of my work.’'

Myisha: Mostly just with like, Lyft drivers.

Gina: There you go.

Myisha: Who love, I just have to say, they love to get free advice. And I one time clapped back and I was like, 'Is this ride free?’ We can do a barter, okay!

Gina: There you go. I don't think the value is the same same. Okay, questions in the room? Newcomers, anyone brave enough to come up? Okay. Last question that was submitted.

Myisha: All right.

Gina: How do you deal with sexual desire discrepancies within a relationship? We began to talk, touch on this earlier.

Myisha: Yes. This is a big, big question that I think requires probably a longer answer than I can give on on-air right now. But I am so sure that we're going to tackle this on the show and go more in depth.

Gina: That's kind of a whole blow out we need to do!

Myisha: Absolutely, because mismatched desire can happen in every single relationship during a lot of different phases of the relationship even early on. So it's not the end of a relationship. I just want to assure this question asker that, you know, this is something that I work with my clients on, but it does require a lot of steps to work through and a lot of patience and a lot of openness.

Gina: Thanks, Myisha.

Myisha: Thank you so much.

Gina: And that's how radio is made gang. Thank you so much!

Myisha: Thank you so much everybody!

Gina: Thank you On Air Fest!

[MUSIC]

Myisha: Before we go, I just wanted to say I loved answering questions from a live audience. And I really hope to do it again sometime soon. Be sure to tune in next week, because I'll be joined by a very special guest who I've actually spoken to before and I'm so excited to speak to again. Damona Hoffman. I was on her podcast talking about my book and she's gonna be on my podcast talking about her book. Damona hosts the podcast Dates and Mates and she's also a dating coach. So I'm just overjoyed to be able to speak with her. And I know that the questions that we have the question askers are very, very blessed to have her answering your questions. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next week.

[MUSIC]

Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks this week to Women's Audio Mission and everyone at On Air Fest including Jenny Mills, Jemma Rose Brown, Scott Newman, Kathleen Ottinger, and Avery Rivera. And shout out to our cheerleaders at KCRW: Nathalie Hill, Megan Ellingboe, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro.