I need a sex sabbatical! full transcript

Myisha Battle: Many times when people are faking, it's not that they're having a bad time during sex. It's just that like, they know it's going to take them a long time. Or they know that, like, for whatever reason, they just start running off their grocery list in their head, and they're like, you know what? Today's not the day. [Laughter]

MUSIC

Myisha: Welcome back to KCRW's ‘How's Your Sex Life?,’ your sex and dating survival guide. I'm your host, Myisha Battle, and I'm here to tell you that sex is part of culture. We talk about it, write about it, sing about it. It's worth reflecting how we can use our own voices to shape it more inclusively. Today, we're going to hear your questions about kinky sex in midlife and faking orgasms. And I'm here today with Brontez Purnell. Hey, Brontez.

Brontez Purnell: Hey, how's it going?

Myisha: I'm good. How are you?

Brontez: Hanging out.

Myisha: You're in Oakland and I'm in SF. We didn't know we could be together today.

Brontez: Yeah, we basically have a Bay Area long distance relationship right now.

Myisha: I'm into it. I feel like I've had a parasocial, long distance relationship with you for a long time, but we can talk about that later.

Brontez: It's very true. It's very true. I am giving internet boyfriend, right?

Myisha: Yeah, yeah. And so much more, so much more. It's really good to have you here. You write about relationships and queerness in your work. You're also a musician, a dancer and a filmmaker. An artist, you know, in sum and I have a question for you. How's your sex life?

Brontez: My sex life as of late. Hmm. I think I'm kind of ready to retire.

Myisha: What?

Brontez: A little bit! The other night this guy hit me up online at 3 am and I was like, oh, let me rinse out and get ready. And I'm like, you know, it's been 25 years of this, like, I could just retire. And I still would be ahead of the curve of most. So I'm settling into my man-opause. I don't know, thinking about crocheting because I feel like I have tossed enough pussy, I deserve a trophy. And I can honestly say that part of my life is over, and I did well with it. So.

Myisha: You know, as someone who has read about your sexual exploits, I can say that that feels right.

Brontez: Oh, I'll be back. I'll be back.

Myisha: Okay, I was gonna say, I mean, you know, every person, every great who has gone into retirement, has a moment of coming out of retirement. So we'll all be here for that.

Brontez: Yeah, I'll be there for it too. Trust me, okay, it'll be alright.

MUSIC

Myisha: Okay. Well, let's get started with our first question. And just as a quick reminder, our questions are voiced by actors to keep everyone anonymous.

Question 1: Hey Myisha and Brontez. I'm 42 and having the kinkiest sex of my life, but I am exhausted. What do I do?

Myisha: Was this your own question?

Brontez: This was not my question at all, but I am 42 also. Here's my thing. I don't know. You should do what is logical like, if you're hungry, you eat right? If you're hyperventilating, you breathe. If you're exhausted by sex, you take up crocheting. There will always be more sex for you. Let me tell you. I was once, I was once one of them, like, you know, in my 20s, I worked in the Castro and I competed with all the boys. I was at the gym five days a week, working out three hours at a time, because I felt like I had to compete. I felt like I had to be muscular, smart or attractive to, you know, have sex with men. But then I really thought about men, and you don't have to be any of those things to have sex with a man, all you have to do is be really patient. And so anytime you want to take a break, honey, you go ahead and take a break. There will be plenty of dick waiting for you when you come back. It's not going anywhere. I promise you.

Myisha: It sounds like they feel like though they've reached some kind of pinnacle, and there is something to like, maybe when you've reached the top, like taking a breather. You know what I mean, like pushing past your limits, is, it can be detrimental. But I mean, there's something here that they, that they're having this energetic pull towards the kinky sex. They're like, this is the best it's ever been. So they want more, they want more, they want more. And then they're coming up against, I feel old, and I'm also, next week, I'm 42 so.

Brontez: No, no, I'm one of those people that believe you have to, you have to know what too much is so you know what just enough is. I really do believe there is points where you have to push yourself past your limits, and we all have such different journeys with sex. I, for one, was amongst the first generation, I think, of gay boys after the AIDS epidemic where I work, I started working at a bathhouse before I had even had sex. I had never been anally penetrated like I was thrown to the wolves. But when I was in the bathhouse, I was in there with a lot of men who were in their early 40s, who were just now experiencing their sexual side, because the AIDS epidemic had made their 20s and 30s very sexually barren, you know. And I mean sexually, some people peak in their 40s after a life of like, restraint or whatever. And you know, there's, there's so many, like, hormonal things and societal things and all these different type of things that make people peak and unpeak at different points. And I think it's really about listening to your natural rhythms. I know women who had all the sex in the world they felt like they needed to have by the time they were 17 and became nuns. I knew some women that didn't peak until their late 30s. Same with men, you know. But then also sometimes, you know, we live in this, like, weird, puritanical thing where it's like, sometimes we feel guilty for feeling too good and we feel guilty for having too much. So make sure, you know, I just say, make sure take it all into consideration and see where that voice is coming from. That voice of, oh, I'm exhausted, or this is too much. It's like, do you feel too good and guilty? Are you actually tired like, you know, it's a lot to think about. It's a very big subject.

Myisha: Oh man, yeah. Now you're making me think about a client session that I had recently where I'm working with the female partner, but she was commenting they just opened their, their marriage and her male partner. Was feeling like a sex addict, and I think it's because she had, like, a really fun 20s, 30s, where she explored a lot and her partner didn't, and now he's had the opportunity to, you know, have sex with other women, and he just wants to have sex all the time, and I'm like, but that's just, that's just where he's at. You know, in his late 40s, he's where you were in your 20s and 30s, and that's okay. You just like you're giving him the gift of exploring while he gets to have this moment without feeling like he's betraying you. And you know, I think it is stirring up that, like judgment of this feels too good. So I'm glad you mentioned that.

Brontez: And also he's a man, so it's like he's getting right before those years where erectile dysfunction is really about to set in. So he has a closed number of years to do his whole thing. I mean, he better get it in. And, you know.

Myisha: I know, but when you're hoeing, you’re not thinking about the future.

Brontez: [Laughter] Oh, my God, no.

Myisha: Is that too real for you?

Brontez: Oh, that hit. Oh, that hit real hard, that hit real hard.

Myisha: Okay, well, this might be a good time to take a break.

Brontez: Nah! Keep it coming! Come on!

Myisha: Okay, okay.

MUSIC

Brontez: More! More!

Myisha: Alright, let's get into our second question.

Question 2: Do you think it's evil or generous to fake an orgasm?

Brontez: You know, okay, and I'm just saying this as, like, a total bottom, sometimes I really hate when guys are like, yeah, I want you to come. And, like, I've said this before, where I feel like I'm on The Price Is Right and like, I would better hurry up and do it to like, you know, get the fucking three hundred dollar prize. And I don't, I mean, and I say this as a cisgendered male, and I know it's probably totally different for other people, but orgasms aren't always, like, my end goal of sex. Sometimes I just want to get, like, fucked in the butt. Sometimes that's like, good enough for me, you know what I mean. But some people really need that type of, what's the word, validation. As a top I have faked orgasms where I just, you know, spit on their back and pretended that, you know, there was like that Sonic the Hedgehog gold ring splatter thing going on. Oh, my God, whoa! Oh, this is better than donuts! This is, this is better than my tax return! Here's my social security card and my bank number. Man, wow, you know. But, like, sometimes I just, I think the act, in and of itself, is fun. It can be evil or generous, or sometimes it can just get the transaction along so you can just, you know, go to sleep, like, and just be like, okay, we got this accomplished. I'm not very, I personally am not totally orgasm driven, you know, I mostly prefer to just make the top come, you know. And I don't really care about mine, so, but that's just me.

Myisha: No, I hear you. I feel like, I work with so many women who, before they work with me, they have faked a lot of orgasms, and they want to stop, you know. I think there's some functionality to faking orgasm. So if you do it for reasons, 100 percent that's valid, but if you're doing it to appease somebody, and they have an assumption about the experience, like, ongoing, you're in a relationship with them, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Brontez: Right, right.

Myisha: And like, there's this expectation that what they're doing is leading you to orgasm and you're not. Then there can be some friction there, you know? There can be a sense that they're not meeting their goal, which I hate. I mean, I just, I don't think that orgasm needs to be a goal. But also they're thinking that what they're doing is getting you to a certain place of pleasure when it's not and it's not that many times when people are faking, it's not that they're having a bad time during sex. It's just that, like they know it's gonna take them a long time, or they know that, like, for whatever reason, they just start running off their grocery list in their head, and they're like, You know what? Today's not the day. Today is not the day that I'm gonna come so here we go. We're just gonna fake it. So I don't know. I mean, I think it's situational, and I think the categorization of it being like evil or generous is missing some nuance. But, you know, I do think if you're in a place where faking feels bad, don't do it.

Brontez: Yeah, totally. And just, I don't, we're all so different, like on a physiological, physiological, that's the word level, or whatever. It's just like, it takes lots of people different things to get off. And like, I've had sex with lots of different people, and for whatever reason, like, it may not align, but it doesn't mean that I still didn't have a great time with them. So there's not just one way to have sex, and there's not always just one end goal. You know,

Myisha: Yes.

Brontez: That's the way I have felt personally about the sex I've had. I can't speak for others.

Myisha: Yeah, I think also it's helpful to, like, think about what you get from the experience without orgasm. And sometimes, like, sharing that with a partner can be really helpful. Like, look, I don't need to come because, like, when you fuck me, I feel XYZ, you know, like, all these things. All these amazing things are happening for me, you know, and I don't, I really just don't need the finish. Like, it's just not that important to me. The important thing is that, like, we're both here and, you know, receiving pleasure in our own ways.

Brontez: Yeah, and I'll orgasm when I'm jerking off alone later and thinking about you like.

Myisha: Who wouldn't want to hear that?

Brontez: Exactly, exactly.

MUSIC

Myisha: All right? Well, this is a good time to take a break, and when we come back, we will get into a speed round with Brontez.

Brontez: Oh, shit, here we go.

Myisha: Don't go anywhere.

BREAK

Myisha: And we're back. Brontez, we have just one last question before we get into our speed round. Let's take a listen.

Question 3: Hey, Myisha, so how do I enjoy fucking somebody who I think is stupider than me?

Brontez: Wait, okay, what is what? Like, what were the criteria for being like, this person is stupider than me? Were you like, hey, did you read War and Peace in high school? Or, like,

Myisha: Right.

Brontez: What if they're smarter about other things? Here's the thing, I think that especially like in like, cruisy scenarios, we render people sex objects, like that's like, I mean, say what you want. My favorite saying, it's not gonna objectify itself, like we are, in part, like using each other like that. And I'm sorry, like, how high you scored on your SAT is not gonna factor into fucking how good your hole feels all the time. It's like, if y'all are there to just fuck and not play Scrabble, then I would say, go ahead. Like,

Myisha: I think go ahead. 100 percent. Yeah, well, this is a thing.

Brontez: Yeah.

Myisha: Because it's interesting to me that this is around sex, because I get this question about, like, should I date people who don't have XYZ criteria, right? And so they're thinking more long term. I rarely hear people come with this concern of, well, I don't know if we can hold a conversation, you know, like, when it's just a physical connection.

Brontez: Also, too it's like, I don't know, it's very, stupid is the wrong word, if I'm with someone who is deeply unkind or someone that I can't like, you know, share some form of laugh with. That's one thing. But like, the word stupid, that's a really hard word. Also, I've been in bath houses for like, almost 20 years. I'm sure I've fucked plenty of categorically, quote, unquote stupid people. I don't know. Hell, I'm even kind of a dumb bitch sometimes. I mean, whatever.

Myisha: I have, I have been the stupid person in situations for sure.

Brontez: Okay, do you want to know how fucking stupid I am? Do you know that up until about three or four years ago, I thought that The Rock and Vin Diesel were the same person?

Myisha: You're not the only person, I'm sure. They came on the scene at the exact same time, pretty much, culturally, physically, very similar. You just thought that Vin Diesel had an alter ego, which was Rock.

Brontez: I don't think, I don't even think I even like, thought about the fact that they had different names in my head. They were just the same person. And somebody was just like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, oh, I'm like, wait, am I too stupid to fuck now? Because I didn't know that these were the same person? Anyway.

Myisha: No, there's definitely shit like that, that that I have, that I cannot, it's not coming to mind in this moment. So thank you for indulging this person in you know, just like we all have our areas of stupidity, and if someone catches us at the right moment, we reveal that, and then maybe we're not fuckable to them. So.

Brontez: Okay, now I feel like I should get a tramp stamp that says I'm fucking stupid. [Laughter]

Myisha: So many tramp stamps read I'm fucking stupid, and I have one. [Laughter] Oh, man, okay, we are going to get into this speed round of questions. I'll read the first one. You read the second one. First question, crash course on bathhouse etiquette. I've been twice with no luck. What am I doing wrong?

Brontez: You simply showed up on the wrong day. Cruising a bathhouse, it's kind of like how, you know, men used to hunt deer or fish. You kind of just gotta wait there till you catch something. And some days you don't catch nothing at all. You didn't do anything wrong.

Myisha: Beautiful.

Brontez: Okay, so question, ever since my dad came out, I realized he loves cruising. I keep, unfortunately, thinking about him when I go to the dark room. How can I move past this?

Myisha: Okay, I don't know if you've had friends whose parents have come out, but like I have, and this is real, not only in cruising spaces, but just like places you hang out and like you don't want to see your fucking parent. And I think it's worth having a conversation maybe about, like, here's where I don't want you to be. Do you think that's fair?

Brontez: I think when you go in the darkroom, every time you grab someone's dick, you should be like, are you my dad? [Laughter]

Myisha: Okay. Two suggestions, have a conversation with your dad or just ask everybody if they're your dad.

Brontez: Yeah.

Myisha: Okay. Here's the next question. I got out of a throuple in January, and now anytime I try to get laid, the guy has ED. Is it me energetically making their dick soft? Or is it God protecting me, or am I ugly now?

Brontez: I think it's God telling you that you should just top.

Myisha: Oh.

Brontez: ED is fine. Like, we all get it, like, it's like. Maybe stop doing cocaine with people at the bar before you go home. Yeah, but if they're soft, it means you have to top, so there.

Myisha: Fair enough.

Brontez: Question, what do you do when you've lost your libido completely? How do you get your mojo back?

Myisha: Okay, I think people have some options here. One is crochet, as we have talked about at the top of the show, pick up different hobbies that connect you to different parts of yourself and focus less on sex. It's not terrible to do that every once in a while. The other option is, if you really want to keep active in your sex life, look at your sexuality a little more holistically and see where you can make tweaks. That might mean reading erotica. It might mean listening to things that make you feel more sexual. There are ways that we can sort of prime the pump a little bit, but there's also real things that are happening to our libido as we age that might be happening for you. I don't know if this person, you know, they didn't mention their age, so we don't know, but it could be that you are someone who is experiencing aging and the natural decrease in libido as a result of aging. And in that case, I think it's worth also thinking about your sexuality more holistically. And like, think about what season you're in, you know, like, maybe I'm just in fall, like things are kind of quieting down, and reflect positively on the times when it was fucking spring and summer.

Brontez: 100 percent. I totally agree with you. Totally agree with you.

Myisha: Okay, this is, this is the final one. I don't even love jizzem anymore. How can I get into male climax again?

Brontez: Okay, first of all, you should probably stop calling it jizzem, because it's like [laughter]. Okay, let me clue you in. I've always hated that. Whenever a guy is like, where do you want me to finish? I'm like, in the other room. That's like, ew when they like, get it on you. It's like you feel like you're on that show Double Dare and like, it's like, what's the word? Like, it's hydrophobic. It like clumps in the shower. Like, jizz is not cool. I don't want to swallow it. I don't want it on me. Like, you can put it in me, as long as I don't have to deal with it. You can get into male climax without being like, yeah, spray me. You know what I'm saying? Like, I, um, yeah. Like, every time a guy jizzes on me, I'm just like, there has to be an easier way, um, the biological functionality of it. You know, there's no real way for me to answer this question, because I completely agree with this person. Jizz is disgusting, and the money shot just isn't for all of us.

Myisha: It's not for everyone.

Brontez: I am a literal gay man, and every time like jizz comes at me, I feel like I'm like, dodging it, like I'm in the matrix, like I'm that slow motion, like moving past it as it flies past my head, like, oh, so gross.

Myisha: Yeah. And then, you know, for some people who I talk to in my practice, and they're like, is this, is it normal to not like it? I would say that, like, there are people who love it, right? And if you love it, great, but if you don't, you don't have to be subjected to it, if you don't want to. That's my, that's my thing.

Brontez: I am pro sex, but anti jizz. So.

Myisha: We know your platform! [laughter]

MUSIC

Myisha: It's time for our last segment. I have three questions lined up for you that are all related to sex and dating, and you get to pick which one you want to answer. How's that feel?

Brontez: Okay, okay, cool.

Myisha: All right. Here are your three choices. A, what are things you used to tolerate in relationships or dating that you no longer do? B, what are your sex and relationship goals right now? And C, what is a relationship or sexual experience that you haven't written about?

Brontez: I think I would go with one.

Myisha: Okay.

Brontez: I think just growing up, like in a hard kind of household with like, um, hard male figures, I, for a long time, accepted guys that were kind of mean to me. I think, I think I was about 36 years old before I finally dated a man that, like was nice to me and like held my hand in public, that didn't, I had this thing about always dating guys where there, they were very critical of my art, and I noticed that that's the first sign of an abusive man. He attacks the thing that's closest to you to make you feel insecure. I didn't know that for a long time, but here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is what I learned. Took me 36 years to learn this. Once you are loved the way that you are supposed to be loved, you will never go back to anything less than that. And it took me a long time to realize, I mean, that situation didn't like work out or whatever, but it was the first time I had a breakup where I was like, oh, but, like, I had this wonderful time with this person, and it taught me everything I needed to know. And even the breakup was just kind of like, oh, but I learned something about my worth, you know? And so I will not tolerate someone who I am with being mean to me. And it took me a long time to learn that lesson.

Myisha: Thank you for that. Man, I totally relate to that. Dating people who are critical of you and your art and that being a sign that shits, it's not right, yeah.

Brontez: No, yeah. It's like them, it's basically like someone, it's the equivalent of someone threatening your child or something like, it's like, not okay. But I mean, you know, better late than never.

Myisha: Yeah, I hear you. Sounds like we were on the same timeline too.

Brontez: Okay, takes a long time!

Myisha: It takes a long time. Yeah, for sure. Well, I hope that if there are people who are listening and they hear that red flag, maybe they can save themselves some trouble.

Brontez: Yes.

MUSIC

Myisha: Well, Brontez, this has been a joy. I've loved having you here. I love following your work. And speaking of which, where can people also find you and follow your work? Because you're always doing cool shit. You're just always doing cool shit!

Brontez: Oh, I'm always on Instagram or Facebook, I'm probably at the Stork Club or Eli's Mile High in Oakland having a non alcoholic beer. Come up and say hi. And when I'm in LA I'm in Wi-Spa.

Myisha: Okay.

Brontez: Or The Eagle, yeah.

Myisha: There you go.

Brontez: Come up and say hi.

Myisha: Well, thank you so much for this today. It's been a real treat.

Brontez: Oh my god, I had so much fun. Thank you.

CREDITS

Myisha: And thank you for listening. If you want advice about sex or dating, remember to drop us an email or voice memo at sex life at kcrw dot org. We might answer your question in a future episode.

MUSIC

Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. I'm going to break up the usual flow of our credits here to remind you that KCRW is a nonprofit based in LA with a lively group of members who love podcasts, music, culture and expanding our minds and hearts. Won't you join us and support all we do here at KCRW? You can unlock sweet member perks, like the cutest merch, exclusive events, pre-sales and discounts go to kcrw dot com slash give. Okay back to naming names of all the great people who work on the show. Our producer is Andrea Bautista, with help today from Myriam-Fernanda Alcala Delgado. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was mixed by Phil Richards. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission, Myriam-Fernanda Alcala Delgado, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And a big shout out to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

VO 1: This is Gina Delvac, thanks for listening.

VO 2: This is Lena Ransfer. Be sure to follow the show and share with a friend.

VO 3: This is Bennett Purser. See you next week for another episode of KCRW's ‘How's Your Sex Life?.'