Queers Need Queers

Myisha Battle: Sex and dating should be fun. But when it's not, I'm here to help. My name is Myisha Battle. I'm a sex and dating coach here to answer everything and anything you want to know. From KCRW this is How’s Your Sex Life? Before we dig in, I want to share a little bit about how we got here. I've been a sexologist since 2016. And honestly, I've wanted to have my own advice podcast for pretty much my whole life. So this is an opportunity that I think is great for me. But I also think it's going to be great for you all who are listening. Because since 2016, I've amassed so much experience working directly with clients who are either seeking partners, are currently partnered, or trying to develop a sexual connection to themselves. So I know a thing or two about some of the stickier parts of sex and dating, pun intended. And I want to get into it. I want to hear all your weird, wild questions, things that you're afraid to Google, bring them to me, and you'll be provided with a safe, non judgmental space to get answers that are really impactful for your life moving forward. So a few months ago, I started sourcing questions from my followers on social media, and we got so many different questions that I cannot wait to answer. Today, we're going to kick off this episode with a question about queer dating. And just as an FYI, the voice you're going to hear is from an actor, not the real question asker. 

Question #1: Hey, Myisha. I got out of my first relationship of four and a half years about a year and a half ago. I've taken my time to process and heal and find my identity again after this formational first relationship. Since the breakup, I feel confident in the amount I've nurtured my self esteem, friendships, hobbies, and ideas about what relationships I want moving forward. I have little experience in casual dating and hooking up, but I'm open to trying it out and exploring even though I think I prefer relationships to anything else. I identify as a queer woman. Although my last relationship was with a cis straight man. I also have no experience in exploring relationships with people of other genders. So far, dating apps have been my only avenue of finding connections with people outside of my social circle. And it's proven to be a frustrating, unfulfilling and tumultuous experience that’s resulted in little to nothing. What's the best way to find romantic connections outside of one’s social circle, without primarily depending on dating apps, especially as someone new and inexperienced in queer dating?

Myisha Battle: Yes, queers need queers! We need to find our community. And apps are very difficult specifically for queer women looking for other queer women, because we are not socialized to make the first move. And so the process can feel really slow and daunting. I see this with my clients all the time. They're like ‘I'm on the apps, and I, you know, list that I’m bisexual, pansexual and all I'm getting is male attention.’ They're going to have to fight through some of that, you know, socialization to be more passive in the dating process, to really, you know, make the first move when you see somebody that you're interested in. And this extends to, you know, going out and being in community, with other queer people. You may be, you know, in a situation where you have to be more assertive than you're used to being, because you're dealing with a population that's not used to being assertive at all, typically and this can really work in your favor, too. So, what I recommend is going out more and being in queer spaces, and starting really small with just chatting people up, if you go out to a happy hour with friends, you know, turn to that person next to you who you don't know and just start chatting them up. You know, practice with ‘Hi, my name is’ it's totally fine. It doesn't have to go anywhere. Even if you think that person is cute. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to anything that day, you can get a phone number like practice, this is a skill. Dating is a skill. And most women are ill equipped to be in a position of assertive slash aggressiveness when it comes to getting what they want from the dating process. I don't know how many times I've worked with clients of, you know, all orientations, who identify as women who are like, ‘but nobody's really into me!’ and I'm like ‘but what are you doing?’ You know this is a time I think where we have a lot more tools for connection. So app based dating is great. But we have to figure out how to work with these tools because they're giving us almost seemingly endless possibilities. And we really have to hone our skills to identify what it is that we actually want. What kind of partnership do you want to build? If you're not interested in hooking up, that's great. Make that part of your profile. State that very plainly, and clearly. There will be a lot of women who will sign up for that when they see it. So your directness, your assertiveness, can also be in how you present yourself in the dating app space. Don't just have something up there that is static either. Be checking in to see who's responding to the tweaks and changes that you're making to your profile, be very, very specific about what it is that you want. So this may take you some time to journal about what it is that you want. If there were opportunities that you lacked in your past relationship that you want to explore, because now you're dating different genders, that's really important for you to have in your mind because as you meet people you can be assessing them for if they align with the experiences that you're trying to gain. The other thing I would recommend is read up on how to have sex with women. It's really, really important to understand the differences that might exist for you in that context, because you're coming from something that is not that and having a little bit of knowledge can give you the confidence to move a little bit more comfortably through queer spaces as well. Go forth and have fun! Find your queers like this is very, very important, and it will make all the difference. 

Myisha Battle: Alright, y'all, this question is about ghosting. 

Question #2:  I haven't been in the dating scene in three years after being ghosted by someone I was in a 12 year booty call with. Honestly, I'm bitter. How do I put myself back out there? And how do I get over the hurt?

Myisha Battle: That guy fucking sucks dude. You did not deserve that. I do not care whether this person was strictly a sexual relationship or not. Developing something with someone over 12 years deserves so much better than what you got. And I just want you to hear that, to feel that and to know that he was 100% in the wrong. I'm someone who believes that you can fuck someone and still respect them and the complete ghosting is absolute disrespectful fuckery. I hope that you have started some healing journey with a licensed professional, a coach, a counselor, someone who can help you unpack, like, why and how this really got you. You know, some people just really get us and get under our skin and they're hard to let go of. And if I could get whoo for a moment, we are in LA and I am a Bay Area girl, you might be interested in doing a cord cutting ceremony for this person. And what that means is you envision the perhaps tiny little thread that still connects you to this person, because you are clearly still thinking about him, you are still carrying a lot of hurt from him and you can envision cutting it. Take an instrument that you visualize in your hand, whether it's a big ol machete or it’s some scissors or you know a knife that you can wield very delicately and just start cutting away at this. You can do this as a meditation every single morning for just a couple minutes. Maybe in the first session of cord cutting, you'll get all the way through, maybe you won't, but the idea is that you give yourself permission to start disconnecting from this person who clearly has already disconnected from you, but there's still some psychic stickiness is what I like to call it. There's just like a little bit of something there that you can then reclaim. Once you cut the cord, you're going to envision what's left of the cord between the empty space and you to be pulled back into your heart because that is what you get to keep. You keep nothing from him. You keep everything that comes back to you for you and it's a fantastic visualization that I've used myself. I recommend it to clients, they find it very healing. But I also think that it's important for you to get some support and nurturance around this because this was a meaningful relationship for you, I can just feel it. And once you allow yourself to recognize how meaningful it was, and why it was meaningful, and go from there, then I think you'll be ready to open yourself up to somebody else, but right now, you're still processing this. So, I hope the cord cutting exercise is helpful for you. I know it has been for me and if you do it and it produces fantastic results for you, I would love to hear. 

Myisha Battle: We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're gonna tackle a question from someone who's dealing with painful sex, which is actually something that's more common than you may think. If you've been listening and want to submit your question, drop us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org. 

[BREAK] 

Myisha Battle: And we're back. We have two more questions left in the show. But first, we'll be hearing from a woman who has been dealing with some painful sex, and a partner who says he's not into oral sex, which is something she actually feels like alleviates her pain. What a conundrum.

Question #3: I've been in a relationship for three and a half years. I'm 72 and my partner is 76. My partner seems to prefer intercourse while it's painful to me. It's only recently that I've told him that it's painful. I've been to my gynecologist and use estrogen cream, and I've tried stretching my vagina, but I have to admit that I haven't done it consistently. He says he's into giving oral sex, but he doesn't initiate it. When I ask for it, he doesn't do that much of it and I haven't climaxed when he gives me oral sex. My hunch is that he's not into it, but he does like to be on the receiving end. He also told me that his past lovers have climaxed during intercourse, which I find a little unusual as statistics say that most women need direct clitoral stimulation to climax and that's been my experience. We seem to be at an impasse on this and I'd like to find a way to bring more satisfaction to both of us.

Myisha Battle: This is a great question with a lot of layers to it. So, I so appreciate the fact that you recently decided to share with your partner that sex is painful for you. That can be a major concern and barrier to pleasure and, you know, it seems like you've done a little bit of work to resolve this issue by getting estrogen cream and you mentioned stretching your vagina, which implies to me that you maybe were prescribed dilators. And if you have fallen off of the dilator exercises, I totally understand because they're annoying. And so for those of you who don't know what dilators are, these are actually a series of small dildos, that's kind of the closest thing I can really compare it to, that get larger incrementally. And so you practice inserting the smallest one that you can first and gradually increase the size based on your comfort level. This is something that my clients who experience vaginismus, for instance, which is kind of a tightening of the vaginal wall, they use to help open up their vaginas a little bit at a time, but they're also working on becoming comfortable with the idea of penetration because that can sometimes elicit a fear response that has a you know, tightening effect in our vaginas. So we want to make sure that you're getting as many resources as you can for the pain management and hopefully pain alleviation in the long run. I also want to commend you for sharing with your partner what works for your body. And unfortunately, that was met with a comparison to past partners. You know, my hunch is that your partner may have had some faked orgasms in their past because you're right a lot of women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to experience orgasm. There's just something about a tongue. There's a lot that can be done through oral sex and while you're working through the pain aspect of sex for yourself and exploring, you know what you can do to manage your pain, you also want to talk to him about really increasing your arousal through oral sex and clitoral stimulation. Because these also will have, hopefully, the happy side effect of increasing blood flow to your vulva, allowing you deeper pleasure sensations and you know, hopefully like lessening the pain that you experience during penetration as well. Sometimes it's difficult for partners to really hear what their female partners have to say and it's unfortunate that he's not fully committed to doing what you've asked. But I think with a little bit more conversation, you might convert him to, you know, understanding that you need this type of stimulation, and that he needs to be down there for a little bit of time, more than he would expect perhaps in order for you to reach orgasm. 

Myisha Battle: All right, can we all agree that dates can get pricey? Between dinners, drinks, movies, I mean, I could go on. Any kind of activities that you're doing you can't, you know, leave the house without spending $50 these days. And that's just you, right? That's why our next listener wants to know…

Question 4: I have no sex or dating life. How do you date when you're broke? 

Myisha Battle: I myself have dated while broke and it was quite a feat. There have been many times in my life where I have dated while broke and I think that I have to acknowledge a gender difference between women dating without any money, because I've worked with clients who are like, I have dates lined up so that I don't have to pay for dinner this week, you know. That's not a reality for a lot of men and I happen to know that this question asker identifies as a man, and is in relationship typically with women. So that expectation may fall more heavily on him to provide an experience financially speaking in the dating context. So here's where I think you can get a bit creative. There are various levels of broke, okay? If you are in a situation where it is difficult for you to pay your rent perhaps dating is not at the top of the priority list and shouldn't be. So the next level of broke would be I have very little expendable income for my enjoyment. It's difficult for me to make plans with friends because there's just not that much cash flow, there's no buffer, or, you know, you've maxed out everything and are feeling the financial pinch of that, again, I've been there. So, in those situations, I think there's a little room for dating and that room exists in being really resourceful in where you take dates. So for instance, I also happen to know that this question asker resides in New York City. There are a number of free date ideas in the city that yeah, other than the cost of taking the subway, you probably could get away with like a really fun, cute date. You can go gallery hopping, there's free wine at the galleries, you can take them on a walk over to the west side. I think during the pandemic too people got really creative and scrappy with dates. Another thing you can do that's based on pandemic dating is you can start with video dates, you know, you can be like, ‘Oh, my weeks really busy, like, can we hop on a video call? I'd love to meet you and maybe like have a glass of wine together. But you know, I just I can't like travel at the moment with my busy schedule.’ So being sort of open to these workarounds, I think could be really helpful. So those are like the free dates. The almost free dates that I can think of for you are things like attending a friend's pop up. This was actually my first date with my current partner was at a friend's pop up. And I actually ended up spending way too much money on that and we split it because that's how I roll on first dates. Both of us actually commented that that was the most we'd spent on a date, but that was because we drank a lot, and that part was not comped. So I think there's just ways that you can leverage community, whether it's attending a friend's pop up or going to a place where, you know, maybe you have friends in service and they bartend or, you know, they work at a restaurant, you're gonna get some kind of like freebie or hookup something that to like, take the sting off of like a full bill, that maybe you could still afford to cover that first date, if that's the expectation. The other thing too, is like, you can set the expectation on the outset that you would like to split, you know, and it's maybe not the most romantic start, but I think some people might appreciate that approach as well so I wanted to offer it. Bottom line is that I think it's good for you to evaluate your area of brokenness, and where you have opportunity to move and wiggle and make accommodations for taking someone out on a date that you feel is going to be really fun for both of you, and give you the opportunity to get to know each other.

Myisha Battle: I am so grateful for folks that send in their vulnerable questions, because let me tell you, I've received some version of all of these questions in my private practice. So if you are old enough to submit a question, just know that there are many, many people out there who are experiencing something similar. And I think that's really important to think about. I also want to address you audio voyeurs out there because you're probably thinking, ‘Oh, I don't have that problem, these people are, you know, not doing it right.’ And I am here to tell you that sexuality changes as we get older, as we develop relationships with new people, and all of that impacts our experience of sex. So while this might not be your issue right now, it could become an issue that you experience later on in life and that doesn't make it bad. You know it doesn't make it something to try to avoid or try to do like 75,000 kegels every day so that you can like, quote, unquote, keep it tight, or whatever your goals are right now. It means that we should really think about how our sexuality is truly fluid and changes as we change. And we're all going through it on some level and to find stories that we can all relate to, I think is really, really awesome. So thank you all and just remember, you know, your day may come when you can't cum and I'll be here. 

Myisha Battle: That's our show. There were so many good questions. If you have a question about sex or dating, I'm here to help. Just shoot us an email at sexlife at kcrw dot org. Until next time, take care, stay open, and enjoy the process. 

[Credits] 

Myisha Battle: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Nathalie Hill, Connie Alvarez, Meggan Ellingboe, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And a shout out to our voice actors Danielle Chiriguayo, Melanie Makaiwi, Kerry Prince and Ariana Morgenstern.