Is my partner addicted to porn? full transcript

Myisha: If you were making a sex playlist, what would you put on it?

Tomás: For me, Kali Uchis is like the girl, like, especially her song, No Eres Tu, Soy Yo. I like a very low volume, just like ambient sound.

Myisha: Yes.

Tomás: Cuz I like the sounds of sex! Sex is a good playlist, you know?

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Myisha: Welcome back to KCRW's ‘How's Your Sex Life?,’ your sex and dating survival guide. I'm your host Myisha Battle and I'm here to tell you that Brat summer is almost over, so I hope you've made the most of it. And for those bratty subs out there, I see you and I know that it's endless brat summer for you. Today we're going to hear your questions about meeting people IRL, porn addiction and dating standards. And I'm here with Tomás Mier. Hey, Tomás!

Tomás: How's it going? Hi!

Myisha: Oh so good to have you!

Tomás: Oh my gosh, thank you. I'm excited! You say it's the end of Brat summer, but it's about to be the start of demure fall, okay?

Myisha: Ooh, okay. Thank you for keeping me on trend. But it's not so demure that we're going into, you know, conservative territory, are we?

Tomás: Oh, absolutely not. Demurrity is a sense of being, and you can transmit your demureness, your mindfulness in the way that you would like to present it.

Myisha: Okay, I have a confession, which is that I love being demure as a Virgo. It's an outward projection of demure, but inside there's just chaos.

Tomás: No, because the way I'm a Virgo too girl.

Myisha: Noooo, really? What day?

Tomás: Yep! I'm a Virgo! September 1st mama!

Myisha: September 3rd!

Tomás: Oh, I love! Oh, my god, you're so Beyonce vibes.

Myisha: It's, yeah, we are 363 days apart.

Tomás: Wow, that's so iconic. I love that!

Myisha: Yeah. Well, you know what I love celebrating with Virgos. It's so much fun anyway, and we're gonna have so much fun. It's so great to have you here. You're a journalist at Rolling Stone, where you've interviewed everyone from Dua Lipa to Camilla Cabello, and you've talked all things pop culture on Tiktok. So I'm excited to dig in to our questions that we got today. But before we dish out some advice to our listeners, I have one question for you.

Tomás: I've been scared about this one.

Myisha: How's your sex life?

Tomás: She's giving very Bebe Rexha now.

Myisha: Okay, explain.

Tomás: Ooh. It's just me, myself, and I! [Laughter] I prepared that. I have to admit, I was thinking about my answer. I got out of a long term relationship, and I'm in that era of like, self exploration vibes as somebody who tends to be in a relationship, in long term relationships, and very monogamous. So it's been giving very solo ride until I die, as Bebe Rexha would sing.

Myisha: Yeah, I love that.

Tomás: But not until I die. We're looking.

Myisha: Okay! So if someone were to pop up tomorrow that you had an interest in, you would pursue it. You're not like cutting that out as a possibility at this moment.

Tomás: Not at all. I think that I'm just so like hopeless romantic vibes that I want to find the person and if she comes, I mean he in my case, but men also use she her pronouns —

Myisha: The proverbial she.

Tomás: Of course, yeah, then we will be connecting.

Myisha: Okay, okay! Well, you know, this audience is vast and wide, and you know they may be drawn to your radio voice, so.

Tomás: Oh my gosh, and going on Instagram to see my beautiful face! [Laughter]

Myisha: Ahh, okay, well, let's get started with our first question! And just a reminder, our questions are voiced by actors to keep everyone anonymous.

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Question 1: I have a strong dislike for dating apps, but I find it so difficult to naturally meet people I could date in my day to day life, even as an extremely social and extroverted person. Part of me wonders if this is even more difficult as a gay person, but I know my straight friends have the same problem. Got any advice?

Tomás: Oh, that's a good one.

Myisha: Yeah, when you were more actively dating, how did you meet people? Was it IRL? Was it on the apps?

Tomás: I think it was usually on the apps. I'm a serial Hinge swiper, or was at the time. And I think that you feel a pressure to do that a little bit, and you feel like maybe that's the only way to go. But this is such a good question, because I don't feel like I connect with someone until, like I'm chatting with them in front of me. I feel like I can tell on a first date whether or not I'm gonna vibe with the person. It's giving like, I'm not gonna see you again vibes, I'll like, end it there.

Myisha: Yeah but what about out and about? Like, I definitely coach my clients to have a multi approach. Like, don't put all of your eggs in the dating app basket. Like, definitely be out be social. And this person doesn't seem like they have a problem with that. It's just they're not meeting anybody. So have you had an experience where you've met somebody IRL and dated them for some period of time?

Tomás: Yes, actually, I think, yeah, somebody that I dated before. I'm like, trying to, I'm like, looking through my dating history in my brain, like going through the files.

Myisha: The rolodex!

Tomás: Yeah, and I'm like, yes, one person that I did date for a second. We met at a concert, and we had mutual friends, and I think that helped a lot. But since then, I don't think I've really met somebody that I've wanted to date. Actually no! You know what? I'm lying. I have gone on dates with people that I've met in person, and we end up connecting again through social media afterward. So we met in person, connected online, and then we're like, let's go out. And then I'm like, is this a date, or is it a friendship thing? Or you know?

Myisha: Yeah, that's the thing! That's the thing I think is kind of difficult for people now, meeting people in the, you know, in the wild, as they say. But for this person, I think they really would benefit from figuring out, like, what spaces they naturally do connect with people. Because if they're already going out, you know, are you going out with groups of friends? Are you going out by yourself? You know, some might argue that it might be easier even to find connection if you are venturing out by yourself and not in a group, because when we have groups of people, that tends to especially for extroverts, like you can just stay in your group and like, entertain and be kind of fed by the people you already know, instead of venturing out and, you know, forging new connections with people, just the real tea is that like people are not connecting online in the numbers that we would expect. I think it was a 2020 Pew research study. There were 12% of participants who said that they met their partner on dating apps.

Tomás: Interesting!

Myisha: And the vast majority of people are still meeting people through friends, through work, through other community connections. So even though we have these tools, they're great, you know, they help us maybe jump off, meeting different types of people or people beyond our community. And I think there's definitely something that can be said for that, but the truth is, most of us are meeting people just out in our day to day lives. I think what feels hard about it is that a lot of people, when they go out into the world, see that everybody is on their fucking phones.

Tomás: Yeah!

Myisha: And it's hard to connect with people who are always on their fucking phone.

Tomás: No, yo, I saw this tweet, and I don't know how real it was, but it was a person who like photographs queer history, and there was like a guy in a cruising area on his phone looking at Grindr as like another guy was checking him out walking by. Did you see that?

Myisha: No, but I love! Yeah.

Tomás: And it was like you're literally right outside the cruising area, and you could have had your little moment, but you were so stuck on Grindr refreshing! You're waiting for the dududu when you had a dududu next to you.

Myisha: That's right, that's right. I know, yeah. So it's hard! It's hard to break through, but you know, I think part of this too is like being mindful of that. Like, if you go out by yourself, do not distract yourself. Sit with the discomfort of not having anything to do. That's when connections happen. You know, like, I am a bit older, I remember a time where, like, you go to coffee shops to hang out, and nobody's on their phone, cuz phones weren't a thing. And you need to borrow a pen, or somebody has a napkin, and you turn to them and talk and have a moment, you know what I mean? And like, you aren't like, plugged in and completely separated from what's going on around you because you've got headphones in and a device in front of you that makes it very hard for people to connect with you. So first things first, make yourself open and available and check those things before you go out. Like, maybe even setting some ground rules of like, I'm only going to check my phone if I, like, get an alert, you know, or I'm only going to look at it if I really just don't see anybody there that I'm interested in. But if you get to a place and you are really open, I think that increases your chances of somebody connecting with you.

Tomás: I'm a big proponent of going to concerts alone, because you can make your best friend there or meet your future partner!

Myisha: Yeah, and I, oh, man! I'm like, yeah, I have! Those are experiences that I've had, and it's so nice.

Tomás: Definitely.

Myisha: Yeah, it's really nice to give yourself that space to just disconnect from everything else, but, but what's going on around you. Okay, I think we gave this person some good advice.

Tomás: We did.

Myisha: What do you think?

Tomás: I think so too!

Myisha: Okay! Let's move on to our next question.

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Question 2: My partner is in denial of how damaging his porn addiction is to our relationship. He is a frequent user of onlyfans and other sexual content. I'm no prude, but it's hard to accept that online sexual content is becoming more prevalent and normalized. I'm afraid I will never find a partner that understands how detrimental frequent porn use could be to mental health. Help!

Tomás: Oh, I like I'm really excited to hear what you think about this

Myisha: Good, because I have so many thoughts.

Tomás: Oh, my gosh.

Myisha: My biggest question is, have you had a conversation about the impact that your partner's porn use has had on you? I have a lot of follow up questions for this person, and we don't have them here, but what I would ask you is like, what is the damage to the relationship? What are you noticing has changed? What are the behaviors that are impacting you as this person's partner? The reason why I want to know that is because I want to understand where you're coming from, but also your belief system about sex and what sex is for and what porn is for, because I'm not hearing any specific examples of, oh, you know, he's canceling dates on me to watch porn. He doesn't go to work because he's caught in like, the endless scroll. I don't hear any of that. And if all of that is happening, those are things that you must bring up with your partner to let them know that you are concerned for their health and well being. What I think may be happening here is a little bit of hand wringing about porn use in general, and you know, someone's proclivity for Only Fans. Which I don't think is that damaging to relationships. In fact, I think it can actually be a boost for relationships. In lack of the details. I just am kind of pulling from what this person is saying and that statement of, I'm no prude, but I'm concerned about the prevalence of porn. First of all, humans have had porn since the dawn of man. There are erotic cave drawings. There are all of these things, these artifacts from history, throughout cultures that show that depictions of sex actually have been something that we, as human beings, have been fascinated by and really enjoy. So another area that I would think you'd want to talk to this person about is, what do you get from your porn use? If it's not impacting their work, you know, they're not like violating boundaries or betraying your trust in any way, then what do they get from this that you're now feeling threatened by? Because I do think that people have issues with use of pornography within relationships, and it's harder to say that. Like, I don't like this, I'm uncomfortable. It's easier to say you have a problem. You can't control this. So again, I want to give space for the fact that like this, this person may have a general issue, like the partner may have a general issue with pornography use. And in fact, we do see that people who have anxiety and OCD are more prone and more susceptible to issues with overuse of pornography, right? And that's something that can be addressed through seeing a therapist. You don't just want to deal with the pornography use, but there's probably other things that they're doing to numb out and to seek pleasure and to escape the relationship, perhaps, you know. There's an underlying issue there that may need to be addressed. I also want to give space for the fact that this question asker might need to do some work in understanding what they think about porn and what judgments they're having about somebody who uses pornography.

Tomás: Can I advocate for our question asker, please?

Myisha: Yes!

Tomás: I'm just kidding. I think I get it. I think I get also what you're saying. It's a really good point, how you can incorporate porn into your daily life, or whatever that may be, and it might not affect your relationship. I'm wondering how it affects like libido and like wanting to have sex with your partner, if you're masturbating to porn and aren't making space for like, sex with your partner, and that's kind of what I thought about when I was reading this, like, maybe they're masturbating so often that their libido is dropping because they're using that on porn.

Myisha: Yes, so there have been studies that have shown that, you know, consistent pornography use can lead to erectile dysfunction, other sexual issues. It certainly may be used as a replacement for partnered sex. My point would be, why, you know, like, why? Because people usually have motivations for the things that they do, and some people find that pornography is an escape. It's a way to destress, and they may not be aware that the they're using this coping mechanism is actually impacting the frequency of how much sex they're having with their partner. Again, I think that's valid to bring up to your partner to say, listen, this is what I've noticed. Your porn, you know, habit has increased over the last few months, and we have not had sex in X amount of weeks or days, and that impacts me. So that's, that's, I want to definitely acknowledge that this can have impacts on relationships, just down to sexual frequency. But the question is, why, you know? What is this person going through that they're turning to pornography for that comfort, and they don't feel, perhaps, like they can turn to their partner for support and guidance through this, because sex isn't just, it's not just the sexual gratification, right? I think that's really important to state, that people seek out sex for a number of reasons, and sometimes that includes it's just easier, you know, like, I want this sensation so I don't have to feel the other things that I don't want to feel, whether that's stress, whether that's anxiety, whether that's, you know, other kind of racing thoughts, or I'm alone, you know, I'm, like, very, feeling very lonely. And people feel lonely in relationships! So, you know, I think there's, there's a lot here to explore as a couple.

Tomás: Can I ask a question about Only Fans? Because, as a music journalist, I think a lot about stan culture and parasocial relationships with artists. But I'm wondering if you've seen that happen with Only Fans models and maybe, like, online porn actors.

Myisha: Absolutely! Oh, yes! I mean, it's kind of baked into the model, right? You're giving someone direct access to you, or at least they feel like that, right? It might be a video that they send to a few people, but you're getting content that you feel like is catered to you, and that is a very intense parasocial relationship. And so there can be feelings that develop from that, for sure. And again, it's built into the model, because the more you feel like you're connected to this person, the more you are likely to give the performer more of your money and your time and your energy. And not to say that it's predatory, I think again, like there are lots of industries like this, but when it's sex, we do tend to carry in our own baggage about what that means. There are also people who would say Only Fans is cheating and it's not okay in my relationship, and I fully respect that boundary, right? Everybody has the right to set the terms of what their monogamy is, or, you know, what their line is of betrayal. So, yeah, that's worth having a conversation about, too, where it's like, if it feels like this person is straight up kind of like cheating on you with Only Fans, folks, they need to realize that, you know, and understand the impact of what their behavior is doing to you as their partner.

Tomás: I like this. That's very interesting. I'm learning so much! We're two questions in and I'm learning so much about this.

Myisha: I try to, like, you know, toe that line of like, hey, we don't know, so let's try to attack this from a lot of different angles. But I also know that I've been listening to a lot of, like, cult podcasts lately and porn addiction is something that comes up in like, more like, socially conservative circles of like, retaining your semen and all of this stuff. And so pornography, any pornography use, we can really overly stigmatize that. And I've had, you know, the uncomfortable position of having someone come to me and even tell me that their therapist has said I'm a sex addict and I need to see a therapist. I watch porn too much. And when I actually ask them about their porn use, they say it's two or three times a week, you know, for an hour, but like, an hour on those days, but they're like, I'm living at home, I don't have a job, and like, I'm really trying to get my shit together. And I'm like, yeah, you would escape into porn for an hour a few times a week. I'm not, like, you know, like, that's not an addiction!

Tomás: Well, earlier I said me myself and I and I'm like, well, me myself and whatever creator I'm following on my fake Twitter that nobody should know about, but now they do. I'm just kidding. It's not, it's not tied to my name, y'all, I promise. But it's just the thing where it's like, it becomes a little bit of a habit, like, oh, we're about to go to bed, let's pull out the tissues and the Twitter, you know? So I think that's part of it too. It's like, it kind of gets built in, especially for somebody who might be single or if they don't feel as connected with their partner.

Myisha: And then, you know, I just, I am just very careful when somebody is kind of lobbying that accusation of pornography addiction, like we really have to be careful about that term. I think that there are impacts that this has that are valid for this person. Can we talk about that instead? I think that's the best way to move forward.

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Myisha: All right. Well, we're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we'll dig into more of your questions from your audience speed round style.

Tomás: We had so many good ones!

Myisha: So many. Don't go anywhere!

BREAK

Myisha: And we're back! Tomás, you asked your audience to write in about their dating woes and you got a lot of responses. I want to get to as many as we can in a speed round. How does that sound?

Tomás: I'm excited for this!

Myisha: Amazing, okay, why don't you ask our first question?

Tomás: Okay, so this one says I'm a gay man in my 40s. I've noticed my erections don't last as long, and it's affected me mentally, especially since I'm in a community that I feel can be hypersexual and superficial.

Myisha: Mmm. Yes, yes. I just want to validate this person's experience and feelings that you know male centered dating and sex is it can feel really hypersexual, really focused on penetrative sex, but I also want you to know that there is such a wide variety of experiences in the gay community that you, I just don't want you to feel pigeonholed into just relying on penetration as your worth in a sexual dynamic, because there's so much more that can be explored. That being said too, I think turning to examples of older gay men who are in partnership is really great. So if you can, follow social media accounts of older gay men, find YouTube channels, there's amazing content out there where men are talking about, like, how their relationships have changed over the years and maybe the focus isn't sex all the time anymore. Maybe the focus is, you know, travel or, like, supporting each other's hobbies or doing other things that are very healthy and are the foundation of really strong, long, lasting gay relationships. We just don't have models for this, like what we see are young, hot, fit, thin men, and especially in pornography, which we were just talking about, the depictions of gay male sex is very focused on penetration and not just penetration, it's like multiple penetrations, like five guys penetrating. It's just a lot, right? So it's, I think we have to really expand for ourselves what it might mean to be someone who is aging in this demographic, right? And to actively look for representations that kind of counterbalance what we see in the media. On top of that, I think that your connection between not being able to have erections like you used to and that mental shift is a big one to notice. So I want to just also point that out, because a lot of erectile issues can get worse, because we are anxious about having erectile issues. So if that is you, sometimes it does help to have a little extra something to help you out in those moments. So I'm talking about a cock ring, which is great because it's non invasive, you put it on, it helps your erections last longer. And it is something that I think is pretty common practice.

Tomás: It's kind of hot!

Myisha: It's hot too! There's different designs you can get into, coordinate them with your outfit, whatever you want to do! So that's one intervention, and another one, of course, is medication. So I've had clients who have dealt with erectile issues, and sometimes just having the prescription, like having the pills on hand, can help to alleviate that mental stress, because you know that if you do experience it, you have this pill that you can take. But I think the biggest piece is really getting that representation of, like, gay male relationships are not just about fucking, you know? There's so much more to explore, and you don't necessarily need to put that pressure on yourself to keep up this standard for the rest of your life.

Tomás: Yeah, I see the hypersexual thing. I'm not a big hooker upper, but I feel like I sometimes am supposed to be. And so I relate to our caller, I'm just kidding, to our question asker, because I think that's part of it. I like I'm on PrEP, even though I'm not hooking up on a regular basis, because I kind of see it like I need to be, just in case the moment comes type thing. And so I relate to that part of feeling like you have to fit into this hypersexual environment. About cock rings, Lenny Kravitz once wore a cock ring, so you should too! [Laughter] He's hot. So you should wear a cock ring.

Myisha: That's some insider music journalist tea! [Laughs]

Tomás: No, it's because there was one time he was on stage and his pants fully split. Do you know that video?

Myisha: Yes. Oh, I know that video! What are you talking about?

Tomás: And if you, not that I have, according to people who zoomed into the video, he has a cock ring on so you can be more like Lenny Kravitz and try it next time you're having sex.

Myisha: Okay, yes, amen.

Tomás: Thank you Lenny Kravitz!

Myisha: I'm gonna read our next question. Is it worth it to lower your standards when it comes to dating, or do we level up? What do you think?

Tomás: That's a really good question, and something that I've thought about a lot, because I think that sometimes I have a very set thing of what I want. It used to be a reverse BLT. Do you know what that is?

Myisha: No, tell me.

Tomás: Tall Latino bottoms. [Laughter] That was my, that was what I looked for in a man, and I think that's changed over time. But also, standards doesn't necessarily have to be, you know, looks. I think that once you find a person that really matches your freak when it comes to who you are as a person, also, I guess your sex life, and, like, if you guys vibe on a different level and have the same like, goals in life, I think you can find yourself connecting to a person that doesn't necessarily match the physical attributes that you might have expected at one point.

Myisha: I know I'm kind of curious about this person's like, what they mean by standards. Because, no, we are not here to compromise standards of how you're treated.

Tomás: Exactly.

Myisha: We're leveling up. There's the absolute floor of how somebody should treat you. And I don't care who this person is, I want you to be treated at ten levels up from that. I think every person deserves to feel that in their relationship. So if you're talking about, like, accepting breadcrumbs when you should be getting a whole fucking feast? No, no, we're not doing that.

Tomás: Exactly.

Myisha: Yeah, but I agree that there's gonna be some compromise that happens in every single relationship. Like you're not gonna you could create a picture in your mind, but also that picture would be limited, because it's limited to like, our own shit and what we think we want and what we think is going to be good for us, but being open to something that is different could actually give us more of what we need. So physicality, it's important! You have to feel attracted to your partner, or maybe you don't, if you're asexual or, like, don't find that, like, physical attraction is your thing. Maybe that's not huge on the list, right? But if you are somebody for whom, like, you really want to feel physically attracted to your partner, then yes, you should look for partners who you have that connection with. Otherwise, like, it sucks to be somebody who is in a relationship with someone who they feel like they've been like the partner settled for them.

Tomás: Totally. I was talking to my therapist about the idea of like, settling, or like looking to make something work, and she was like, once you make it work, then you're not going to feel the love that you want it to feel. Does that make sense? And I was like, oh, wow. Like, that's real. And so I feel like, for this person, if you want to lower your standards with physical attributes, fine, but as you said, you deserve to eat good, not a crumb.

Myisha: Mhm. I hope that helped this person.

Tomás: I hope so too.

Myisha: I know it helped me! When I was dating like, I was just like, I have a wide range of people that I could be attracted to, you know, and so that wasn't the issue for me. It was really the treatment. And like, being on dates with people where I was like, this isn't it. This is not it, like, I think I can do better.

Tomás: No, I also, I did go on a date at one point with somebody that was really, really sweet and nice to me, and that I think that we could be really good friends, and they were extremely sweet, and I hadn't really felt that in a relationship, but I just wasn't getting the physical attraction or the sexual connection with that person, and I was beating myself up over it, because I was like, this is somebody that could treat me pretty good, but I love them as a friend. Like, I feel like we could be great friends, but I don't think it's giving more than that, and that's okay too, right? Me asking you, Myisha, help me!

Myisha: It's one hundred percent okay. And I'm leaning in close to the mic because I want everyone to know that. It's okay. I see people who made the choice to be with the person who felt like more of the friend. I see them 10 years later when their marriages are falling apart.

Tomás: Wow!

Myisha: Because there's no sexual connection, right?

Tomás: Okay, period, I did the right choice. Thank you. Thank you caller number two! I have our third question if we're ready?

Myisha: We're ready.

Tomás: When is the right time to ask what are we? And is there such a thing as asking too early on?

Myisha: First date? Don't ask! [Laughs] That's too early! No. I mean, I get this question a lot, like, how long should I wait to figure out? Like, I think it's a personal question. What do you think?

Tomás: I'm somebody that starts feeling feelings very quickly and I also ask myself this a lot. I think it's giving third date.

Myisha: Third date? Okay!

Tomás: Yeah.

Myisha: Well, okay, when you say, when this person is asking, what are we? Do you, when you ask that, or if you want to have that conversation, are you asking, like, do you see potential? Or are you trying to lock it down after date three?

Tomás: Well, I, that's a good question. I think depends on where we stand sexually, because as a monogamous person, I don't think I want to, once I get to a third date, I think that's when I want to set the boundary of, okay, if we're going to keep having sex, I want to make sure that I'm the only person that you're having sex with. And that's when I would bring up that question. And if it's giving, we're just getting to know each other, maybe we made out there's no sex involved, I'll give it maybe fourth or fifth hangout. I think that when sex is involved, that's when I get a little bit, cauteloso. I don't know how you said that in Spanish, in English, cauteloso where I'm like, I want to just make sure that I'm doing the right thing and that we're both on the same page of we're going to be exclusive for each other.

Myisha: Mhm. So yeah, it sounds like that's like a cautious approach for you, know, for you. And it's, it comes from this place of knowing yourself like you know that you catch feelings early. You know that it makes you feel more safe and secure in a relationship if you define that it is exclusive. So it sounds like that timeline is flexible for you based on how the relationship has been progressing sexually and emotionally, and so that's exactly what I would tell this person.

Tomás: Oh, I love that! No, I mean, I get it. It's like you want to know what you're doing. You want to make sure that if you're going to be dating somebody, that you're both on the same page on what it is you're doing. The worst thing is to feel like you're investing so much more time and effort into relationship, and then realize that the other person just sees you as a hangout or like somebody that they're just getting to know where you're like, oh, wait, I'm ready to date you, you know?

Myisha: Yes, and I have seen time and time again how freeing it is for my clients to ask someone like, hey, like, what do you see? You know, I'm feeling like this could be a relationship eventually, how are you feeling? You know that check in conversation can be so clarifying, because you might scare that person away. And guess what? Good, because they're not ready, they're not feeling what you're feeling, and moving at a pace that you know is in alignment with your pace. And sometimes it's helpful too, for your own expectations, if you get a no, like, I'm not available for a relationship, I'm really, like, I'm just, I'm stuck on my ex. I'm like, processing some shit. I've got family stuff. I got work stuff, whatever, like, then, you know, earlier on. So I think in those first let's, let's call it, because three dates in LA could be like a month and a half.

Tomás: That's true. Just a drive to the date is a date.

Myisha: It's, yeah, exactly! So let's, let's call that like, you know, the one and a half to two month mark, you know? There's some kind of like, 'hey, I see potential, do you?' kind of conversation. Or if you do feel like, in order to move forward in the relationship, you would like some kind of exclusivity. And it's not to say like, hey, we're going to be together forever. It's just to say, like, let's minimize our risk here. Let's focus on each other and just see where this goes. That's a perfectly valid conversation to have within the first couple of months. I also think that it's so individual, because there are people that I've coached who are like, can I can I lock it down like tonight, and it's like date two.

Tomás: Oh wow! Take a step back.

Myisha: Let's give it some time. Yeah!

Tomás: Maybe we need to, I need to make an appointment after this. We gotta talk.

Myisha: I am available for that, Tomás. Okay, we're gonna move on to our last segment. Basically, I have three questions lined up for you that are all related to sex and dating, you get to pick which one you want to answer. How's that feel?

Tomás: I'm excited.

Myisha: Okay, good. Here are your choices. A, how long do you wait before you introduce a partner to your family? B, what's the worst way you've ever been broken up with and C, how has the chaos of Brat summer manifested in your dating and love life this year?

Tomás: You know, C seems really pandered to me, but I'm gonna answer A. I think I want to talk about family.

Myisha: Okay, let's do it!

Tomás: I'm very close to my family and coming out as a Latino, super Catholic person was very difficult. And I've introduced my parents to two of my partners. The first one did take quite some time, maybe like almost a year and a half. The second partner, a little bit less than a year. And I think that as their comfort level has grown I think the sooner that I can introduce them. But I think once you think that this partnership is going to be long lasting, that's when, I think is the right time, when you're sure that this is going to be somebody that you see with long term because I know that as soon as my mom meets you, she's going to start asking, as soon as my mom meets you, she's going to start asking, how are you doing? How is that person doing? What are you guys like? And once that breakup, if it ever comes, it becomes really difficult, because there's a song by Ingrid Andress called More Hearts Than Mine, and she's like, my mom falls in love way faster than I do, like, if you break up with me, you're breaking up with her, and that's kind of why I want to wait a little bit longer before bringing my family in, because they're super important to me, and their opinion on our relationship is going to play a role. And I want them to love you, and I want me to love you already as much as I can, so that when I introduce you, they're like, okay, this is somebody that's gonna it's giving Thanksgiving dinner, you know?

Myisha: So at that point, you would have already said, like, I love you. You would have exchanged I love yous with your partner before meeting your parents.

Tomás: I told you earlier that I'm a quick girl, okay? When I was in high school I had a girlfriend for three weeks because I said I love you to her. It was over after that, but there was other issues involved. As you can tell, I'm a queer man, but I think I'm somebody that does move pretty quickly when it comes to starting to feel things. And I think I would make sure that I'm already on the I love you stage with my partner before I introduce them to my parents.

Myisha: Okay, that makes sense. Ugh, I love this! And, yeah, I really enjoyed your your take on on all of these questions. I'm so glad that your audience submitted a bunch of questions, and I'm glad you were so open to addressing the personal questions.

Tomás: Of course! You know, I'm just looking for somebody to love Mexicanly.

Myisha: Well, you've heard it here, folks! This is what we're looking for. Thank you so much for being here. Tomás. I really appreciate it. Where can people find you on the internet?

Tomás: Thank you for having me. You can find me at Tomás Mier on Tiktok or Tomás underscore Mier on Instagram and Elon Musk's online platform X. [Laughter]

Myisha: Thank you, I'm sure your DMs will be flooded momentarily.

Tomás: I'm looking forward to that. [Laughs]

Myisha: Thanks Tomás!

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Myisha: And thank you for listening. Next time on 'How's Your Sex Life?' I'll be talking to Matteo Lane and Nick Smith, co-hosts of the podcast I Never Liked You.

Myisha: Can each of you tell me in five words or less, how’s your sex life?

Matteo: Nick, you should go first. [Laughs] This doesn’t look very good. Your sex life doesn’t look very good! [Laughter]

Myisha: That's — that’s a long pause.

Nick: Not. Nearly. Enough?

Myisha: Ok! That’s fair. That is under five words.

Myisha: If you want advice about sex or dating, remember to drop us an email or voice memo at sexlife@kcrw.org. We'll keep you anonymous.

MUSIC

Myisha: 'How's Your Sex Life?' is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was recorded and mixed by Phil Richards. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission, Myriam-Fernanda Alcala Delgado, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And a big shout out to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

VO 1: This is Michael Joson. Thanks for listening!

VO 2: This is Michelle Pantoja. See you next week for another episode of KCRW's 'How's Your Sex Life?'.