I love him, but I feel trapped! full transcript

Myisha Battle: Can each of you tell me in five words or less, how's your sex life? Who wants to go first?

Matteo Lane: Nick, you should go first. This doesn't look very good. [Laughs] Your sex life doesn’t look very good.

Myisha: It’s a long pause.

Matteo: You can't even think of a single word!

Nick Smith: Not. Nearly. Enough?

Myisha: Okay, that's fair! That is under five words.

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Myisha: Welcome back to KCRW's How's Your Sex Life? Your sex and dating survival guide. I'm your host Myisha Battle and I'm here to tell you that your sex life can surprise you sometimes, and that can be a very good thing. Today, we're gonna hear your questions about monogamy and hooking up with an old flame, and I'm here with Matteo Lane and Nick Smith. Hi, Nick. Hi Matteo.

Nick: Hello

Matteo: Buongiorno.

Myisha: Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show! You two are best friends and comedians. You also have a podcast together.

Matteo: We're not best friends.

Myisha: No? Frenemies?

Nick: We are mortal enemies.

Matteo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Myisha: Okay. Frenemy vibe.

Nick: Contractually obligated to hang out.

Myisha: Well that brings me to your podcast, which is called "I Never Liked You," so, very fitting title. In that podcast, you banter about everything from gay icons to the Olympics. So I'm really excited to have your take on some of the questions that we got for our show today. Before we dish out advice, though, I have a question that I ask every single guest that's on the show. So can each of you tell me in five words or less, how's your sex life?

Matteo: Nick, you should go first. This doesn't look very good. [Laughs] Your sex life doesn’t look very good.

Myisha: Yeah, that was a long pause.

Matteo: You can’t think of a single word!

Nick: Not. Nearly. Enough?

Myisha: Okay, that's fair. That is under five words! That's great.

Matteo: My sex life is currently tajin, lime and mango.

Nick: That was like twelve words, so you're already failing.

Matteo: Tajin, lime, mango.

Myisha: Yeah, I like that combination. Is there a significance to those flavors for you?

Matteo: A Mexican I married.

Myisha: Okay.

Nick: Yeah, we do stereotypes over here.

Matteo: Whatever, I'm also Mexican and it's true! The tajin is both sweet and spicy.

Myisha: Delicious.

Matteo: And then you get the lime, which is in a lot of Mexican dishes, and then you get the mango, because it's juicy. Look at that. A little love story, Nick. How's your dried up sex life, Nick? What's yours? Prunes, prunes and no sugar.

Nick: I could use a prune.

Matteo: Yes, I'm sorry Myisha. Go ahead, please forgive us.

Myisha: It's okay. Yeah no, I like that there's like, some balance here with the spice, the lime is like, it's good on everything, you know? It's consistent. It's always there for you. You know what you're gonna get. I don't know. I'm just extrapolating from what you said.

Matteo: Yeah, the more positivity we can read out of it I think is great. Nick can't eat three of, or two of the three ingredients that I named because they're too much flavor for him. So.

Nick: True. Very true.

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Myisha: Okay, well, let's get into our first question, and just a quick reminder, we use voice actors to keep everyone anonymous.

Question 1: A while ago, I was friend dumped over text and she didn’t want to meet up to fix our friendship. Then she started to pursue my husband’s brother. I was so angry at my brother-in-law. He knew about the tension between me and my former friend and he didn’t acknowledge what an awkward position their relationship put me in! I didn’t know how serious they were and whether my former friend, whom I no longer trusted, would end up being a part of my family. Am I a jerk for not wanting them to end up together?

Matteo: Sounds like that movie Gone Girl, remember? Where she like faked her own death and then murdered someone, and then like, remember?

Myisha: It's giving diabolical.

Nick: Okay well spoiled. Cause I didn't see it.

Myisha: There's something really diabolical about this. I don't know, like, I get this, yes, it feels telenovela. You know, it's like there's a lot going on.

Nick: It feels complicated.

Myisha: Complicated. What do we think first about this friend? What's our read on the friend?

Matteo: I think everyone needs to take a 10 minute break and come back together and realize it's not that big of a deal. But no, it does suck when you have a friend that you no longer talk to and then suddenly they're like trying to squeeze their way into your life. It feels very violating. And then you feel resentful towards the people that are getting involved, but they've not had that experience with that person. So then you're resentful towards someone for not having a shared experience, and then it's unfair to them as well. But I would say, let her date him and then let him learn his lesson!

Nick: I need to know more context because if the friend is just trying to have sex with a brother in law, and it's purely just sexual, who cares? Everyone needs to get dicked down once in a while. If she's trying to like further it to eventually marry and be part of the family, then it feels a little bit more invasive. But if it's just sex, like, what are we doing?

Myisha: Yeah.

Nick: Who cares?

Matteo: Listen to this advice from a gay man living in Manhattan. Well, it's just sex that doesn't mean anything.

Nick: I mean.

Myisha: My question is, did the friend start distancing themself from their friends in order to pursue like, did they have these feelings for the brother in law situation first? And then they couldn't bring that to the friend to say, like, yo, I want to get dicked down by your brother in law. Like, help, help a sister out, you know? I feel like this could have been handled in a different way if that's the case, but we don't know because we don't have the friend here to sort of plead their case.

Nick: Yeah I need to know what caused the falling out.

Myisha: Yeah, because it could be something, you know, Matteo, to your point where it's like something just happened with the friendship, and now there are new relationships that are being formed just because it's, this is like a community, right? And like, sometimes shit gets messy with communities.

Matteo: I guess a more interesting question is, who do you want to go out with, though, her or the girl writing the letter, because, sounds like the other girl's real messy and it would be a fun night.

Myisha: I do support this person taking a step back and like watching what happens, you know, because I do, I think it could be a popcorn moment for her, if she's able to sort of separate from the emotional component of what's going on, the feelings of betrayal and all of that. I think, I think that there is going to be an act three to this story.

Matteo: Act three? There's gonna be a series.

Myisha: Alright, let's get into our next question because I'm not sure that we're gonna be super helpful to that first question-asker.

Matteo: You might have the wrong guests. Me and Nick aren't particularly the warmest people.

Nick: We're like, just fuck him!

Matteo: Next!

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Myisha: All right, on to the next.

Question 2: I’m 28 years old and have been in a relationship, my first and only, for the past two and a half years. We recently moved in together after being long distance. He’s also the only person I have had sex with. I always had a hard time being intimate with men in high school and college, so if an opportunity for sex came up, I would panic, make an excuse and leave the situation. But with my current partner it felt so different. I couldn't wait to have sex with him and he was kind and gentle our first time and I had no regrets about waiting until it was with someone I trusted and loved…until now.

I’m starting to feel panicked or "trapped." I feel like a teenager going through my sexual awakening, but I also feel like I missed my chance to explore different sexual partners because I am now in a monogamous relationship. I love my partner and I see us growing old together, but I have this nagging fear that I am going to regret having sex with only one person my whole life and I don't know why this scares me so much. Do you think being more adventurous during sex with my partner would help ease this anxiety? There is no way he would be on board for me exploring with another person.

Myisha: So opening the relationship is off the table.

Nick: Well.

Myisha: That's what they said at the end, they said, this is new, there's no way that they would let them explore with another person, so.

Nick: But —

Myisha: Okay…

Nick: Would they together? Because there are variations to open. I mean, A, she should be having this conversation with her partner. But B, if she wants to explore with someone else, and he's not open to just let her go out and do her own thing, she could maybe propose, hey, would you be open to maybe trying to threesome so I have that experience shared with you, and we kind of figure it out from there.

Matteo: I think that there is nothing wrong. I think people feel when they're in relationships, that that means it's forever and I think we change as people all the time. So if you've gotten to a point where you have an urge to sort of explore your sexuality, I don't think because just sexuality means that it doesn't have any weight or meaning to it. I mean, that's a very important thing. We're human. It's a way we express ourselves. And they're young! It's 28 years old. You're young. So if you're feeling trapped and you're feeling like you want to be more sexually open, I think you just, the most important thing in those situations is even though it may hurt, just tell your partner exactly how you're feeling and thinking and say, I love you. I love being in this relationship, but I've realized that I want to explore more, and I want this, I want to explore that side of myself before I feel I start to resent you because I wasn't allowed to do it, or resent myself for not giving myself the opportunity to do it. So that is the problem with relationships, is we tell ourselves we're in a relationship, and we put these boundaries and walls around us and how we're supposed to act and behave, and we change! We change. So we should, even if, though it's not beneficial for both people in the relationship, if it's more beneficial for one person, then they have to get themselves out of that situation.

Myisha: Yeah

Nick: And those feelings certainly aren't going to go away anytime soon, so it's better to bring them up now than 10 years down the road and then all of a sudden you're like, I want to fuck your brother in law.

Matteo: [Laughs] Is this the prequel to the last one?

Myisha: Is this the prequel? This is the warm up story. How it all happened. Yes.

Matteo: It's the Ghost of Christmas present. We just listened to the past and now we get to see the future!

Myisha: I've actually worked with people who are in a similar situation to this. They, you know, met someone, had their first sexual initiation with this one person, and then, you know, fell in love, and then found themselves in a monogamous relationship, where they envision, okay, this is what's going to happen. We're going to do the engagement, the marriage and all that. And then, there's a moment of panic, you know, on one or both parties, you know, behalf. That's, I think, another reason why a conversation would be great. You don't know necessarily what your partner's feeling about committing to this relationship this young. You know for us, older in age.

Matteo: You gotta do like monthly check in with your partners.
Myisha: Thank you.

Matteo: And if you're gonna be with somebody, I think it's super important to not take offense to someone's feelings. You know and that's the hardest thing to do in a relationship, is to say to someone, I'm feeling this way. And the other person has to sort of objectively look at it and say, okay, you know, it's not about me. Because she's not saying I don't like my partner. He doesn't satisfy me. I don't want to be with him. She's saying there's another part of me that wants something that my partner's not able to offer. What do I do? But that's the hardest thing about relationships, is they become so finite so quickly, is that it's a hard time to sort of dig yourself out of that. Like, you know, it's like breaking out of a statue. Like, how do you change the mold if the cement is dry?

Myisha: Yeah.

Nick: And if he knows that he's her first real sexual experience, the chances are he's often thinking about this exact scenario, like, I wonder if she wants to sleep with others. I wonder if I fulfill her enough to only ever be her only sexual experience. I can't imagine that hasn't crossed his mind.

Matteo: Well, Nick, you're a good example. You're 46 and you've not had sex yet. So why don't you tell us, like, what that's like for you and what it's going to be like when you find that one, that one woman?

Nick: Look at the end of the day, communication is key. Just like I say to Matteo all the time, I never liked you, so it's important to communicate. We take few things very seriously.

Myisha: Yeah, same.

Matteo: It's hard with our crew, because it's me, Nick, it's Bob the Drag Queen, it's Monet X Change, it's Patty, it's Mitch. It's such a group and we're so sexually diverse in terms of how we express our sexuality, so it's hard to really judge with us, because we'll just,

Nick: But

Myisha: No, that's good! I want —

Nick: But straight and gay communication is always important.

Myisha: There's differences here. And also, like, going back to this conversation about how things get solidified in relationships, like, we don't talk about what kind of monogamy we want, right? Like that's, it's just expected that we're going to be moving towards monogamy, especially in hetero dynamics. It's just like, that is the course, and there's no real discussion of it.

Matteo: Well it's like everyone sort of downloads the generic template for what monogamy is, but they don't realize that it's editable.

Nick: Right. They just do it by default and fall into place.

Myisha: Right, without thinking, oh, there's nuance to this. There are desires that change. There's sexual functioning that changes. And so like when you say, till death do us part, does that mean when you can't have sex with me anymore? You know, and that's such a big part of how I connect with you intimately. And the answer may be yes and the answer may be no. So yeah, I think there's a lot for this person to actually explore with their partner, both in conversation and in the bedroom, like there's also things that they can do, whether that's to talk about, you know, their fantasies or desires. This person should definitely talk about her desire to fuck other people. I think that's great, and it will probably open up some interesting conversations for them, but it might also open up some really hot sex for them as well.

Nick: Or, it might do the opposite, and he might be like, this isn't worth it to me, in which you also get an answer out of it.

Myisha: You get an answer, one way or another, 100 percent.

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Myisha: We're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back, we have one more question about reconnecting with an ex. Don't go anywhere.

BREAK

Myisha: And we're back. Nick, Matteo, are you ready for our last question?

Nick: Now it's the sister in law.

Myisha: You know what, this does feel eerily related. Okay, let's take a listen.

Question 3: Is it ever a good idea to get back in touch with an old flame?

Myisha: Thoughts?

Matteo: How do we define old flame?

Nick: I was gonna say an old boyfriend? An old girlfriend? An old hook up?

Myisha: That's what I want. I need more info.

Nick: Definitely. It determines a lot.

Myisha: I know, let's for the sake of argument, it's someone that they just used to fuck a lot, who used to fuck their guts out.

Nick: Go for it.

Matteo: Oh go for it! Send a bottle, message in a bottle, smoke signals. It does not matter, go for it.

Nick: Tie a note to the carrier pigeon. Strap a dildo to the back of it, and let's get off to the races.

Matteo: Throw caution to the wind. There's absolutely, just say things that will make your skin peel off later. That's what hookups are for, not relationships. I think, for relationships, you know, I think it's sort of, it depends on how the breakup went, but hopefully people, after a few years, can kind of relax and just see they had differences, and that they worked them out, and it's okay. And you can kind of, hey, how are you, hope things are well, kind of thing. But yeah, if it's just a hookup? Oh! Who gives a shit?

Nick: Now, if it's just a hookup, who gives a shit? But if you're wanting to revisit just the hookup, to try to see if there's more

Myisha: Hmm

Nick: That I don't know about because I don't think that ever really pans out how you want it to. Now, I think if you purely are just revisiting an old hookup just to have another thrill, go for it. But if you're like, oh, maybe there's something more there, it's not going to work out. It's a bad idea. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it come. [Laughter]

Matteo: I don't think that that metaphor has anything to do with what you were talking about, Nick. You lead a horse to water, you can't make it come?

Nick: Yeah, you lead the guy to where you want him to go, but you can't make him do something!

Matteo: You can make him come, but not be in a relationship. There's a big difference.

Nick: Well this isn't about bestiality. I don't know what you're doing with horses, but I'm not making them come.

Matteo: You talked about making the horse come! You did! I just saw your, I saw your eyes double think about what you said!

Nick: You're, You're not —

Matteo: You're not what, Nick?

Nick: You shouldn't make a horse come.

Myisha: I think that's the moral of this story, really.

Matteo: The moral of the story is never make a horse come!

Myisha: All right, we're gonna move on to our last segment,

Matteo: [Laughs] Okay, on that note!

Myisha: Because I am very interested to know where this is gonna go. I have three questions lined up for both of you that are related to sex and dating. But Matteo, I want you to pick the question for Nick and then vice versa. All right. Matteo, which of these do you think Nick has a good story about? A, what's your biggest pet peeve about your partner? B, what's the funniest thing that's ever happened to you during sex?

Matteo: B.

Myisha: Or C, what's the worst relationship advice you've ever gotten and tried?

Matteo: B. Nick, what is the most interesting thing that's ever happened to you during sex? I'd like to know.

Myisha: The funniest thing! The funniest thing.

Nick: To be honest, there are so many, I mean, especially in gay sex, funny shit happens all the time.

Matteo: No pun intended.

Nick: Unexpected shit literally happens all the time.

Matteo: The toe, Nick.

Nick: I was gonna say. We find this funny. Some people might not, but we find this very funny.

Myisha: Okay.

Matteo: Mind your language, Nick.

Myisha: No. No, no minding language.

Nick: Well I gotta, I gotta mind it a little.

Myisha: Okay.

Nick: I was toe assaulted. But, okay.

Myisha: Mhmm.

Nick: But, my toe! [Laughter]

Myisha: Oh no!

Nick: So that's what makes it funny! So look, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that's on me. Okay, I own that. It started with, I was in a threesome situation, and I was in a position that I could not move, and my legs were out and my toes were up.

Matteo: And keep in mind, Nick is like 7 foot 12, like he's so tall, so he's got long toes.

Nick: And about a hundred pounds on a good day, so I wasn't moving. I noticed the other guy is sort of massaging my feet and legs, and I'm thinking, that's so nice of him! And what I thought he was using was like, lotion, wasn't lotion. He was using lube, and then, in which case, he just sat on my toe. And I immediately thought, huh, I didn't see that coming! But I'm also not here to kink shame!

Myisha: No.

Nick: So I have no sensations down there. So it's not going to get my jollies off, but if it's getting his jollies off, who am I to say anything?

Matteo: Right.

Nick: And maybe had he said, can I sit on your toe? I would have said no. So, that's where I say, sort of —

Myisha: It's the consent piece.

Nick: Right. But again, it didn't really matter, because it was my toe. Now this is the fool me twice, that's on me part. There was a part two. A few months later, the toe guy and I were chatting, and he was like, oh, I'd love to come give you a massage. And I don't know if I just forgot what happened the first time, but I thought, I love a massage! So he comes over and he's legitimately giving me a massage, and then I flip over and he gives me more of a massage, and he's massaging my feet. And this time I'm thinking, okay, you know what? It's just a massage. And then proceeds to lower himself on my toe again. And guess what? That toe did not go to the market that day. That toe went somewhere else. And, that's on me. Second time, I take ownership of that. I invited that into my home. I knew it was coming. He enjoyed it, which did kind of bring me joy, that he enjoyed it so much. And the only part that didn't bring me joy is he finished and then left.

Myisha: Oh no. Rude!

Nick: Yeah, not great, but um.

Myisha: Wow.

Matteo: Nick, the indignity of this story. [Laughter]

Nick: Again, you don't have sensations on your toes. So for me, I didn't ever feel violated. And more so, I was just like, all right, get your rocks off if this is what you like. It's doing nothing for me, but clearly, this is taking you all the way to the bank right now.

Myisha: Yeah. Okay, let's switch it up. Nick, which of those questions do you think Matteo has a good story for?

Nick: I'm gonna go with, funniest thing about sex as well. And I can think of a couple of things. So I'm curious which one he'll choose.

Matteo: I can't think of any, refresh me!

Nick: Well, one you do a bit about in your show.

Matteo: Oh, yeah, once, this is like 7 years ago, 8 years ago? Whatever.

Nick: A long time ago.

Matteo: This is a long time ago. So I was, Bob the Drag Queen was at DragCon, and so all of us were in LA and so when you do DragCon, you have all these, like, shirts and merch and stuff. So we're spending hours, all of us are folding each shirt and doing this. And so there's this guy I was talking to and he was like, come over I got a hotel. I was like, got it. And he does porn, and so he's super hot and sexy and all this stuff. So I’m like, oh, I can't wait! So I go to his hotel, and I'm thinking I'm just like, hot shit. I'm like, work, and we're like, making out blah, blah, blah. And then, as we're making out, getting naked, I start to feel like, god, my nose is really runny. I don't know why it's so runny today, but, and then we’re still going, and then all of a sudden I go like this, and there's just blood everywhere. There was blood all over me, all over the bed, all over him. I was like, oh I have a nosebleed! And I haven't had a nosebleed since I was like, five. Like, I don't remember the last time I've had a nosebleed. Last I had a nosebleed, I was going to my first grade teacher, Mrs. Collar, saying, I have a nosebleed. So now I'm in a bed with a porn star trying to impress him, blood everywhere, and then I'm humiliated, and he's like, don't worry! It's okay! It's okay! I'm like, it’s fine I’m just gonna go home. And I go back to Bob's apartment that he had and I go, well, that didn't go well. I need one of those shirts that I just folded because I have blood all over this shirt I currently am wearing.

Myisha: Shit. Oh! Oh, that is a bummer. Ah, well, any nosebleeds since then?

Matteo: No! Not a single one.

Myisha: Fuck! [Laughs] Have you fucked any porn stars since then?

Matteo: I already have this on, I think it was for Netflix, but, yeah, during the pandemic, Diego Sanz who's a porn star, visited me. And when you, you know, someone new is over, you put something on TV to watch. So he picked, not me, Lilo and Stitch and which is fine, but like when you're blowing someone in the background you just hear ohana means family! [Laughter] But Diego's a very nice guy!

Myisha: Yeah, clearly, that's a very sweet movie. [Laughs]

Matteo: Yeah. One time years ago, I hooked up in Chicago. I hooked up with a guy to the Golden Girls, and right before he came, you just heard Bea Arthur go, "Ma."

Myisha: I don't think that's the first time that's ever happened too.

Matteo: No [laughs]

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Myisha: An amazing soundtrack. All right. Nick, Matteo, thank you so much. This has been so fun having you. Please tell everyone where they can find you and hear more uproarious stories.

Matteo: Well, you can see me on tour at the Can't Stop Talking Tour. Go to Matteo Lane comedy dot com. But Nick and I have a podcast called “I Never Liked You,” and you can listen to it, download it, wherever you reach podcasts, and you can see the video on YouTube. And Nick?

Nick: Yeah, we're also all over social media. I'm NickSmith09 on Instagram and on YouTube.

Matteo: And you can follow me on any social media at Matteo Lane.

Myisha: All right. Thank you so much for being here.

Nick: Thank you.

Matteo: Thank you! This was very fun.

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Myisha: And thank you for listening. Next time on How’s Your Sex Life I’ll be joined by comedian Dylan McKeever.

Myisha: What’s the most important thing for you in a partner? Looks, smell or sense of humor?

Dylan: Sense of humor.

Myisha: Totally.

Dylan: Easy!

Myisha: Yeah.

Dylan: But I am shallow, so the other two are also very important.

Myisha: Oh 100 percent.

Dylan: Yeah, I’m very superficial. As a Taurus.

Myisha: If you want advice about sex or dating, drop us an email or voice memo anytime at sexlife@kcrw.org. We might answer your question in a future episode.

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Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was mixed by Hope Brush. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission, Myriam-Fernanda Alcala Delgado, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro, and a big shout out to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

VO 1: This is Mia Fernandez. Thanks for listening!

VO 2: This is Emma Rothenberg. If you liked this episode, share it with a friend!

VO 3: This is Michael Joson. See you next week for another episode of KCRW’s How’s Your Sex Life.