Let's Talk Libido full transcript

[COLD OPEN] 

How can I increase my sex drive as a tired mom of three young kids?

Are there successful couples who have learned to live with having polar opposite drives?

What can I do to keep my long distance lesbian relationship spicy and exciting? 

Myisha Battle: From KCRW, its How's Your Sex Life? I'm Myisha Battle, back again. As you just heard this week, I'm answering questions that are all about sex drive in relationships. So let's get into it. As a reminder, the questions you're hearing are voiced by actors

Question #1: Hey Myisha, my husband and I have been married for seven years. I've never had a huge sex drive, but there have been times that I've been more into it than others. We have a three year old and twins that are one year old. It's been a wild year trying to manage three kids and as a result, I don't feel like having sex very often. My husband and I have a great relationship as a couple, but we're definitely lacking in intimacy. How can I increase my sex drive as a tired mom of three young kids?

Myisha Battle: First things first, get some sleep girl, I mean, you can not pull blood from a stone and I talk about this with new moms and moms of multiple children all the time. We expect too much from ourselves to be able to manage the situation that you're currently in. Like that, that is a lot to expect that after wrangling twins and a three year old, that you are going to a) be in any kind of headspace to be thinking about sex, you've been in child mode, the majority of the day or you know, even if you're a working mom, you're still like, reserving brain space to thinking about the well being of your child. It's just natural. So some portion of your day has been consumed by children. Some portion of your day may be consumed by work. And then you have this other portion of your brain which is consumed by the expectation of sex in your relationship, which is not sexy. So how do we how do we get through this? How do we navigate this? First, I want you to think about the time that you're in as a separate sexual season. You had a season of sex with your partner when you first met each other where presumably sex was hot and heavy. You've been together for seven years now, so that has ultimately changed over, you know, over time. And with the addition of children, so for the last four years, you have presumably been in a different sexual season. If you are still nursing, your estrogen levels are still quite low. Most women see a drop in libido directly after giving birth because prolactin comes online in a way that suppresses estrogen production and estrogen is our main hormone driver for sexual interest. So on a physiological level, you just don't have the same access to desire that you did prior to becoming pregnant even. Now that your kids are a little bit older you may, depending on your resources, be able to have a date night with your partner. Non-sexual intimacy can be a great friend to you right now. Non-sexual intimacy plus a hand job, let me be clear. Okay, but like full sex may not be on the menu right now. There may need to be a redefinition of what your sex life looks like in this season. The reason I keep coming back to seasons is because seasons change and you will have a level of estrogen that looked somewhat like it did prior to having children. But you still may have the stress constraints of child rearing. So that's a different season, we can consider that a shift but not you're not completely out of the weeds in terms of the things that sort of suppress and just sit right on top of our desire. A great book recommendation for low desire in general is 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski, and she talks about how important sexual context is to create and date nights are a great context to connect. Potentially, you'll start to feel sexual after a date night with your husband, but it's not a requirement. You know, I want you to feel like you can be as sexual or non-sexual during this time as you need to be or want to be. And you can hopefully create some context for non-sexual intimacy that can go a long way, and perhaps help you boost your libido generally speaking, but go easy on yourself right now in this season.

Myisha Battle: Alright, let's get into the next question. Sometimes in a partnership, there are times when you might want to have sex, but your partner just isn't feeling it. It's totally natural, but that doesn't mean that it's not frustrating. That's why our next question asker wants some advice on how to cope with those feelings.

Question #2: I don't think I'm sexually compatible with my partner. He's 38 and I'm 36. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. Things moved pretty quickly. We got together June 2022, and moved in together March 2023. We had a short lived honeymoon phase, and got comfortable pretty quickly. In the beginning, sex was about one time a week at least. After two to three months, it was every four to six weeks. Even when we do have sex, it's just okay. And I'm always left feeling like I needed more. Although his energy levels are generally high, he told me things have slowed down for him and he doesn't really think about sex. But when I asked if he masturbated or watched porn, he told me he did two to three times a week. I felt confused about the fact that he actually does have these desires, but doesn't direct them towards me. He's been receptive for the most part, whenever I vocalize my needs and concerns. I can tell that he tries, but it still doesn't feel like enough. How important is sexual compatibility in a relationship? And are there successful couples who have learned to live with having polar opposite drives?

Myisha Battle: I don't think you're dealing with a drive issue here. I do think you might be dealing with an intimacy issue. So when couples do move at a fast pace, it can be very jarring for one or both parties to go from the exciting early stages of dating where things are casual, and flirty, and easy to cohabitation, where things are more regimented and routine, and you're really depending on each other in ways that you didn't before. This can definitely change people's desire for sex with a partner. And I think that might be what's going on here, rather than there being issues with drive. You know, your astute observation of ‘he has these desires, they're just not directed towards you’ is a good one. I think that it's 100 percent healthy to utilize masturbation, and porn in a relationship. I'm not anti porn at all. Some people are, but it sounds like in your relationship, this is something that you are open to and accept as part of his sexual repertoire and that's fine. I think that what what might be happening is that he's seeking that out because it feels easier. It feels maybe more comforting in the way that a lot of us are able to orgasm by ourselves, but not with a partner. Because there's just that pressure there to perform or be a certain way or make sure the other person has a good time. With porn where we get to escape into fantasy and masturbation where our only focus is on our own pleasure we don't have the trappings of a relationship dynamic that we also have to take into consideration. So a question that you might ask him is, when you masturbate is it typically to you know, destress to decompress, like, how does it function for you versus how sex with me functions for you, and get a sense from him what his objectives are in utilizing masturbation. Like I said, I mean, the desire to have sex is there. When I work with clients who have low desire, they're not even seeking out pornography and masturbation, they tend to really not be able to think about sex within the course of their day or week or month. It's just not something that crosses their mind organically. So there's definitely something going on there with you in particular, and I don't mean that in a negative way. I just mean that having this focus be on sex within the relationship might be stirring some things up for him that he could benefit talking to you about initially, and then maybe exploring even more deeply with a therapist. Not to say that I think his porn use is problematic in any way, but I do think that we don't really take time to sit with the emotions that going deeper into an intimate relationship can stir in us. And we may start exhibiting behaviors of distancing ourselves, because we aren't quite sure how to proceed with the deeper levels of intimacy that come with cohabitation and deeper commitment. These are things that I think you should be exploring within the first year of your relationship, especially since you're cohabitating. It could be something that if you deal with it now, you might save both of yourselves some trouble later on in the relationship.

Myisha Battle: It's time to take a break, but when we come back, we're gonna talk about long distance lesbians, which long distance lesbian sounds like a porn to me, and definitely something I would watch. If you've been listening and want to send in your own questions, lesbian or not, drop us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org.

[BREAK] 

Myisha Battle:  And we're back. There are lots of folks out there who find themselves in long distance relationships, so I know this next question is going to resonate. 

Question #3: Hey, Myisha! I'm in a long distance lesbian relationship and I'm trying to keep things spicy and exciting, especially because it's often a month between our visits. We've sent some sexy videos back and forth, but I'm wondering if there's some other ways we can keep developing our sexual connection and deepening our intimacy while we're apart?

Myisha Battle: I totally appreciate that this question asker is thinking about not just keeping the spark alive through sexual contact, which it sounds like they have a pretty good system already with sending videos, but also wants to deepen intimacy, which can be one of the hardest things to manage in a long distance relationship. I've worked with many couples who are in long distance relationships, and they all kind of stumble in this area of feeling like they're making progress in the relationship, because phone calls, which tend to be pretty scheduled and regimented around work schedules, end becoming check-ins about 'How was your day? What did you do today? Oh, was that meeting that you were worried about as hard as you thought it was gonna be?' You  know, it's just not the meaty, substantive, you know, stuff that we get when we're in person face to face and seeing each other in maybe more organic circumstances. So yeah, having a Zoom date where you, you know, both have a beverage of your choice that could be a glass of wine, or some kombucha or whatever, where you have a couple questions, you know, keyed up, that you want to know about each other can be helpful. There's also an app for this. This app called Paired was recommended to me actually, by clients of mine, and now I refer people to it constantly, especially my long distance couples, because you don't have to be in the same space to answer questions. And it keeps the communication lines open in such a way where you're not just checking in about your day, but you're asking them how they feel about their relationship with their family, or there are packs that you can buy, and one of them is specifically about sex, sex and intimacy. So learning, you know, what are some of the feelings that come up for them around sex, and connection, and intimacy. And there's also a way to ask follow up questions through the app. So you don't necessarily have to transition this into your regular check in calls. You can keep the conversation going through the use of Paired or some such app. I'm sure there are plenty on the market right now Paired is just one that I think my clients have enjoyed the most. Yeah, it's just a way to like ask those questions without having to do the legwork of thinking of which questions you want to ask. Having these technological tools can feel really helpful and supportive, especially for those long periods of time in between visits. Another suggestion that I would have is yes, you are sending spicy videos, but something that I have heard is that when someone sends an erotic video or pic through like text, it can be kind of jarring, especially if you're going through the course of your day and you're not really expecting that. And it's within the thread of like logistics of, you know, when are we going to see each other next to like, you know, for some people that can be really fun to have an unexpected sexual, you know, ping in throughout their day. But for others, it may feel safer, slash more fun and titillating to reserve that for a different app. So I encourage my clients to have kind of just like a general clean thread for basic communications with their partner. But maybe you want to create a WhatsApp or Signal chat, that when your partner sees that they have a message there, they can infer that it's something spicy, and they can tend to it when they feel ready to receive a spicy text from you. And they can, you know, revel in the mystery of what that little present is before actually receiving it. So this can actually be really, really fun as a lead up to a visit, where you're talking about the things that you want to do to each other, the things that you want to explore. And having this little spot where the two of you can engage this way can be really, really fun.

Myisha Battle: The questions today were all oriented around this idea of libido, sexual energy, sex drive. And this can be one of the most elusive parts of navigating a sexual relationship with another person because we have our own ideas of what that energy looks and feels like for us. But we have to take into account what that energy looks and feels like for our partners. That can create a lot of friction. As we heard, you know, having desire to have sex with your partner and having them not want to have sex with you on a pretty consistent basis. It's not easy for either party. What I've seen in my practice is that typically, there's the high libido partner who's more of the initiator, because they have that energy available to them more regularly. And initiating and getting rejected is, you know, it's a really hard place to be. On the other side, the low libido partner is someone who has to gatekeep sex, you know, they're the ones having to say yes or no. And often when they say no, that's the end of the conversation. There's not a 'no, I'm not, I'm not really feeling like it, but you know, once I get past this busy period in my job, I know I'm going to be more open and available for sex,' that those are conversations that I think we all have to learn to have and they're just not happening on a regular basis. And I think something else that we really need to acknowledge is that this is an energy that needs to be fed. So like we heard in our long distance lesbians question, sexual energy can be something that kind of falls by the wayside, and this is true for people who live together, too. You know, just not something that's top of mind when you connect during the course of the week. You're talking about schedules, you're talking about work, you're catching up on family stuff, and none of that stuff is really sexy, is it? So how do you create space for that energy to be present in the relationship? It's a great question and I think that it's a question that we could all ask ourselves and ask our partners. What do we need to make sex a priority in the relationship just like we make all of these other things a priority in the relationship? Thanks for listening. I hope that you're thinking more about libido, you're realizing that it is something that has to be negotiated. It's not a given and that you're getting curious about how to maximize both of your experiences when you're navigating your libidos within partnership.

Myisha Battle: That's it for our show today. If you have a question about sex or dating, drop us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org or send us a voice memo. That email again is sex life at kcrw dot org. You can also find me on socials at Myisha Battle. That's M-Y-I-S-H-A B-A-T-T-L-E.  See you next week! 

[CREDITS]

Myisha Battle: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission, to Nathalie Hill, Megan Ellingboe, Connie Alvarez, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. I also want to give a big thanks to our voice actors Megan Jamerson, Sarah Sweeney, and Danielle Chiriguayo.