"Is zodiac compatibility real?" full episode transcript

Isa Nakazawa: I really don't like when people, I know it's good in good fun and that's totally cute, but I think when people seriously don't date other people because of their sun sign like, if someone is like, I can't date you, you're a Scorpio. I'd be like, good because we're not dating anyway, you know?

Myisha Battle: [Laughs]

MUSIC

Myisha: Welcome back to KCRW's How's Your Sex Life, your sex and dating survival guide. I'm your host Myisha Battle and I'm here to tell you that sometimes your sex life could get a boost from the universe! So if things haven't been going your way, blame it on the planetary alignments.

Isa: That's a good one!

Myisha: Today, we're gonna hear from listeners who need advice on compatibility and navigating dating people over 40. And I'm here with Isa Nakazawa. Hey, Isa!

Isa: Hey, it's so good to be here! Thank you for having me.

Myisha: It's so great to have you here. Yeah, I know you have your own podcast called Stars and Stars with Isa, where you sit down with musicians, artists, actors, and you read their birth chart with them, which is super fun. I love that you go beyond stereotypes that we hear about astrology. And speaking of, I'm a Virgo!

Isa: Oh of course!

Myisha: There's a lot of stereotypes about us out there. And my partner is a Scorpio! I know you're a Scorpio too!

Isa: I am and I always talk about Virgo Scorpio compatibility.

Myisha: I was gonna ask you, any thoughts?

Isa: Yeah, I mean, I love Virgos. I think both Virgo and Scorpio are quite serious and I think the most serious people I know are also quite funny. So I feel like Scorpio and Virgo can find humor, which is such an important glue to me in relationships, and so finding that joy and that laughter and also not feeling judged or shamed when you do want to be intense. I don't feel like my Virgo friends shame me for my intensity, and we often actually bring out each other's lightness and levity because we kind of have a similar, like operating system of skepticism and being quite weary in general and being highly intellectual.

Myisha: You mean judgy?

Isa: Judgy! [Laughs] Oh, my god, yes, that's very true! Yeah, so but I also think the last thing I'll say is that Scorpios something that I always emphasize is Scorpios can be very quiet. And the way that we observe can be very stealthy. So I feel like Virgos kind of help me remember that in intimacy we must communicate our insides. And Scorpios can be difficult lovers for that reasons where we can be a little bit difficult to read, and hard to reach. And that's that kind of water element right of the psychic energy, which sometimes in relationships isn't great. You need to learn how to communicate. So I'm I'm always appreciative to Virgos for reminding me that relationships are not just telepathic exchanges.

Myisha: Yes, yes! I am happy that you said that reminder and I will be flagging this episode for my partner to listen to.

Isa: [Laughs] Great! But on behalf of all Scorpios I'm glad you're partnered with one, so good!

Myisha: Yes. Oh, yes! Love a Scorpio. Well we're going to talk a lot more about sign compatibility, because I know people have questions about that, but before we get into that, I have a question for you.

Isa: Yes, please.

Myisha: How's your sex life?

Isa: It's good! I'm in a relationship, just for context, and we're celebrating our one year in two weeks!

Myisha: Sweet!

Isa: Yeah, so and I feel like this is the first relationship in a minute where we live five minutes from each other. I live by the lake. He's in Jack London. And we see each other with so much regularity that I feel like our communication and foundation building, which for me, I'm pretty slow, I can be guarded, and I think sexually that has everything to do with like the way that I orgasm, I need a lot of safety and like emotional connection first with myself, then with my partner and so I feel like our sex life is a reflection of the safety I feel emotionally. And also all the work that I did before I met him. I did a lot of work the two years prior to meeting him where I was having casual sex and like open but I was really focused on unblocking some of my own kind of, I guess emotional blocks where I feel like yeah, and we can get into that but for me, a lot of my sexual blocks are not so literal as like, learning about my orgasm or my erotic, it's also something like taking vocal singing classes and realizing that there's something that like is trying to come out that can't and how that translates to my inability to orgasm. So for me, sexuality is so, it's so bound up with all these other things for me and so the way that my sex life functions is way bigger than just "am I in a good relationship?" It's like, how's my relationship to myself? Am I taking care of a lot of different things? Like my erotic and keeping it, like nurturing it, pretty much daily!

Myisha: Yeah.

Isa: So yeah! I mean, that's a really Isa answer, but yeah it's, I feel like it's in a good place right now.

Myisha: That's amazing. Yeah, I, there's a lot of webbing there with sexuality that I think it's good to think about and try to incorporate as like a daily practice of checking in because, before we were recording, we were talking about cycles, which is one of my favorite things to talk to people about. And just those, it's not just the hormone cycle, but it's it's the life cycle, like where you are, and of course that's going to take us back to planets and like where they are and how they affect us, so I'm really just excited for where this conversation is about to go because we have our first question, and I'm really interested to hear your take on it. Let's listen to it and as a reminder, our questions are voiced by voice actors, to keep everybody anonymous.

Question 1: Hi Myisha. I'm in my 40s and wary of women my own age who are single. It feels bad to admit, but I'm scared of the baggage. Got any advice for me?

Myisha: So this person seems to think that the older you get, the more baggage you have, and I have some thoughts on that, but I would love to hear what you think.

Isa: Yeah, I mean, the first thing that jumped out to me is like, it sounds like it's kind of a self directed skepticism that somehow is being projected outward, right? Like I think, which is, which I do think is very common, that oftentimes, like our anxieties about certain kinds of people are more, say more about where we're at with ourselves, our own anxieties about aging, our own anxieties about desirability. I'm 37, a lot of my friends are turning 40 this year, and there's a lot of anxieties that are popping up for folks around, "I'm still single. I have all these political and social critiques, and yet at the same time I'm feeling inadequate. I'm feeling like I'm falling behind." So right? We hold both of these in the same bodies and minds. And so that was the first thing that came to mind, but tell me what you think about the baggage piece because that sounds really something that resonates with me around that assumption.

Myisha: Yeah, I mean, I think of my 20 year old self and all the baggage I brought into relationships, because there's a difference between having baggage that you don't know you have. And then having baggage that you have unpacked a little bit along the way, and like left little things behind, or you've like, my Virgo mind goes to like, I've sorted that, I've organized it, I've folded it, I've put it away, I have like sprayed it with a downy freshener or whatever! [laughter]

Isa: Systems analyst!

Myisha: I've done something to it, you know? Whereas when I was in my 20s, and even into my early 30s, I had no fucking clue what my baggage was, I just was like, who's for me? I don't know!

Isa: Who am I?! [laughter]

Myisha: Do my thoughts and desires matter? Probably not! How do I like get attention and all of my needs met from somebody else rather than looking to myself and you know, figuring out how to take care of myself and I don't think I'm unique in that! I think that's a real sort of life stage unless you're really, really exceptional and you had like, a solid, solid upbringing, and you feel really secure in relationships, and you know what you want like, I don't I've never, I've never met that person.

Isa: Yeah, where are they at?

Myisha: I don't know and it could just be because, you know, us children of dysfunction like to party together, you know, but like, we don't go to the securely attached parties. That's not fun, until you get older and then you're like, oh, I like emotional intelligence. I like calm I like, you know, for my nervous system to be on neutral most of the time when I'm hanging out with, you know, loved ones, friends, as well as partners. And so I think there's a gift of age that can come if you're willing to do the work of, yeah, I know, I've got my baggage, but I know what it is, and I can articulate it. And that's what I love about a lot of my clients is that by the time they come to me, they're like, listen, I have insecure attachment. I have a history of trauma. These are my triggers. You know what I mean? And that is different. That's a different experience, but this person may not have you ever had a partner who has that level of awareness and can say, these things don't define me. They affect me and how I might show up from time to time, but I understand what's happening, and to me that makes so much more like intimate and robust relationships when you've got that.

Isa: Absolutely. And I would add that the point of love and the point of all relationships isn't to come to each other with a clean slate like the kind of like, I think we should demystify, what does it mean to meet someone without baggage, and just kind of questioning that concept, right? Like, I think that there's tools, right and I think the one of the reasons I think my relationship right now feels so different is that I have a map, right and my map also has the coordinates that are turbulent, the places of tension, it doesn't mean I come now, because I've done all this work as this Healed person who's like, oh, I don't have any triggers. I don't have any bullshit, right? Like, I think that actually, it's the way that we, as a couple, tag team conflict that can become part of our erotic like, wow, the way that we just held space for you know, each other's triggers is really beautiful, and it draws me closer. Whereas I think a younger version of myself, actually, even in my 30s, I think I did try and over optimize too much. I was binge reading attachment books and there was a kernel of shame, still very much guiding that work of like, I need to be the best Isa before I'm lovable. And so there was still a fear that at the bottom of it, I'm not lovable. And if I just figure myself out, then I will be worthy. And that wasn't working! I was kind of trying to win at healing. And it just didn't feel like I was being compassionate enough. And the problem with that is, then I wouldn't be able to be compassionate to my partner.

Myisha: Yes.

Isa: Right? So the less compassion we can give ourselves, the less grace, the less we often can extend that back to the world. So I feel like for me, it's not that I'm looking for people without baggage, but it's like, where's your map? Like, can we, can we show each other that we've done some thinking and done some work, but also understand that the work of love is precisely tha is, oh, here we are, right? So I don't know, hopefully, in your 40s there's been encounters with, you know, the hard stuff that makes you then invites you deeper into the world into your questions, and I think that's more what it is then like, oh, by 40, you should be at X place emotionally and sexually.

Myisha: I've seen so many times in shows or movies, like a couple lying in bed, and like showing each other their scars and being like, oh what happened here? Oh, this is a surgery I had when I was 10 and like, this is when I fell down playing soccer, and there's, there's something to that, on an emotional level of like, I've had this much life and it's left some scars, but like, there's some healing that's already happened. And to your point, I just wrote a piece for TIME called, "You don't have to be healed to be a good partner." Like, it's, it's okay, like you, you don't have to clean the slate, you know, like you were saying and make it fresh and perfect and pristine, because we need other people to help us heal our shit. Like, I wouldn't have been, I wouldn't be the person I am today without the healing that has happened in my current relationship over the last almost six years. And it's been the most healing and the most loving relationship, like it's been a solid foundation for me to do the work that I need to do, which has been much deeper than I've been able to do in the past. So I'm really grateful that I wasn't completely healed. I don't know if I'd have anything really to offer! [Laughter]

Isa: And I think that's why I like your work, too. And I'm really grateful to like Esther Perel, and certain, you know, folks too who are kind of complicating this narrative of optimization that I think is out there. And I think there's some really dangerous messaging to women around, especially women of color around, like over valuing our independence. And it really dovetails into the cult of individuality and capitalism, and like, how many messages do we get around, like, just get your bag, you don't need a man, but then the wink and the confusing messaging is like, well, hopefully, once you do get your bag, then a man wants you who's good enough. So it's, it's all these. It's really mixed messaging. And I think I was vulnerable to that, because I like being strong. And so that can be really problematic if you're someone who's like, yeah, I actually like that identity of being self reliant, is that you get older, you get calcified in your comfort and then you get calcified in your narrative around like, well, I'm Isa and I'm a strong woman and you need to level up and you need to be honestly this perfect ideal partner for you to be worthy of me. And that can be slippery and strange because the fact of the matter is, building intimacy requires tenderness, vulnerability and the bigger word for me as a Scorpio is embarrassment.

Myisha: Mhm mhm.

Isa: I don't like to be embarrassed!

Myisha: No, no one does, but definitely Scorpios don't.

Isa: Scorpios are so and I'm all Scorpio and we really struggle with that, right? Because I don't like talking about embarrassing things even sex, right? That's been a block for me, I don't want to always talk about sex. I don't even like sexting usually, because I'm like, let's just show. Let's reveal. Like, there's something that feels threatening to the mystery that turns me on. Granted, that's not where I'm currently at, but it's been a struggle for me because like it feels unsexy.

Myisha: I want to leave this person with some action items and one thing that comes to mind is to allow for the possibility that someone's baggage could enrich your experience of them. That's my, that's my little takeaway is like, perhaps the baggage is not the thing that you're truly terrified about. Perhaps the thing that you're worried about, and you want to avoid, is the messiness of relationships and nobody can avoid that.

Isa: And that's where they're most delicious, like, hold out curiosity, hold out curiosity, that maybe that's even a gateway for joy and pleasure!

Myisha: Yeah. I love that. So we've got another question that I am really excited also to get into with you. Let's take a listen.

Question 2: What do you think about sign compatibility in astrology?

Myisha: So we have a lot of folks who, you know, they want to know, star sign, rising sign? What are you? How do we match up? Sometimes just for entertainment purposes, but sometimes people really do take it seriously. And they want to know, because they want to know, are you going to be a good friend to me? Or are you going to be a potential partner for me? So do you believe that there are certain signs that just inherently work better with each other? Or you started to get into some nuance about it, is there more to it than just the star sign?

Isa: Well, first, I view our birth charts as star maps. And I think that where astrology is so profound in terms of thinking of through relationship compatibility is that all of our birth charts, kind of map out our internal contradictions. So that's so helpful when you're thinking about how can you become really literate in your own landscape? Then how can you become curious about your partners? And then how can you start to like map out where there might be some harmonies and some points of disconnection, and then think about what you're going to do with that! So I really encourage people to get very familiar with their moon, get very much investigate their Mars and Venus and then really think about what is your rising sign? And the opposite of that rising sign is what's known as your descendant and your descendant, it represents the ideal qualities of a long term partnership. So as a Taurus rising I have more Scorpio! I have a Scorpio descendant, right? So that's really informative about what kinds of things I need to feel fulfilled romantically, which is intensity. I need someone to meet me there and again, like I keep saying, not shame that, but it is quite complex and I really don't like when people, I know it's in good fun, and that's totally cute, but I think when people seriously don't date other people because of their sun sign like that's, that's kind of like that's kind of a jump for me? Like, I don't know, that to me is taking it to a weird place because it also, and this is my Scorpio hater side, it also to me exposes how little you know about astrology. Like for someone who's making a huge decision based off the cosmos, like, there's really so little that your sun sign says that it also kind of doubly exposes how little you've investigated what astrology has to offer. So I don't think I would trust that person. If someone is like, I can't date you, you’re a Scorpio I'd be like, good! Because we're not dating anyway, you know? [Laughter] So —

Myisha: But what do you think is going on there when people date a certain sign over and over again, or they might be fixated like, or even when it happens organically and you're like, oh my god, you're the fifth Taurus that I've dated in like, five years, you know?

Isa: I mean, it honestly contributes to my faith in astrology. I think that, you know, most of my life I wasn't an astrologer and so when I started to map all of the significant relationships in my life, from best friends to lovers, from a young age there's an enormous amount of patterns that surface. So if anything, it's like, wow, you don't even have to believe in astrology for it to be playing out. And for me, it's like energetic patterning. We can call it you can use psychological frameworks, you can use energetic frameworks, or astrological ones, but I really believe in that. I mean, my sister and I have the wildest karma romantically where we fall in love within the same week, with a person of the birthday within the same two days of each other. And then we break up with them the same week. So like, we've had multiple cycles of dating this, and we're both Scorpios. So we've had multiple cycles of dating Libra sons with the same Venus and the same week and then ending our relationship, right. So I don't have an explanation for that other than it's the mystery of life. And I've learned not to, I don't need to analyze it. It just is. And I think there's some true beauty and mystery there. I know that for me, my kryptonite is Libra sun, Scorpio, Venus, and that those are always the people that I have the most burnout loverships with where it lasts, like anywhere between two days to six months, and never beyond that. And it takes me under in a way that is not even dope! [Laughter] Like, but I'm never looking for it! I never know they're a Libra, Scorpio, you know? Like I think now that I'm an astrologer, I can call it out quickly, but you know, in those moments before astrology, it's just like, there's a force field between us. And I feel entrapped in it. And I realized through like what you said earlier that that dynamic was something I was not questioning enough. And I felt like this has to be love. Love has to be this dysregulating, feeling of intense passion, and when it's not that I don't trust it. And then I had to stop and be like, you're kind of the through line in this pattern of getting super burned out on these quick flames. And if what you want is like a deeper knowing, a deeper witnessing with someone, then you have to do the work to figure out what your threshold is. My new obsession is talking about thresholds of ambivalence. Like, that was something I just didn't tolerate. Like, the minute things became ambivalent, I was out.

Myisha: Yeah, yeah. I feel that totally. Oh, I'm always talking to my clients about they, they're like, I don't know if I like them. And I'm like, that's okay! You just met them.

Isa: Well, what do you, what is your advice on that around like, what's an appropriate amount of ambivalence in the beginning?

Myisha: I think a lot of ambivalence in the beginning.

Isa: Yeah?

Myisha: I think that yeah, I mean, I think back on friendships, even and some of the most powerful friendships that I have was like, I don't like I mean, part of it was like, when you meet, especially for me, I meet another woman who I think is really cool, then there's like, a lot of insecurity, am I going to be good enough to be like their friend? Or is this good? Are they too cool for me kind of thing? And so there's that just like ugh, I don't know but I like them! You know, I, there's something that like, there's something that I like, and I don't know where this is gonna go. So there's that, like, it's like, I don't, I really don't know, we could be friends or not. And I think it's similar with relationships, too. I, you know, I liked the first date vibe, great! You know, is this going to be my partner forever? You don't know that! You know, like, let's just stop and be like, no, you don't know that yet. And that's okay! It's also like really okay to proceed with that unknowing, and be like, I still don't know. And I have a lot of clients who are very anxiously attached. So they're like, I don't know, I don't know if it's a yeah and I'm like, that's okay, like, you are still getting to know there's so many things that you don't know about this person to be able to make an informed decision about them. So give it some time. See how you feel like literally see how like you feel with them over time. And that usually reveals a lot.

Isa: The last thing I'll end on with this question is one thing that I would really love feedback, just to hear about from from other astrologers, is I've observed that one of the things that's true really cool with birth chart compatibility is if you light up each other's fourth house, there's a lot of discussion around the fifth house of romance and pleasure, which is the house of Leo and then the seventh, which is the relationship Libra house, but I've actually found fourth house to be a really underrepresented house of synastry because it's the Cancer house and it's where we feel at home. And I've noticed that a lot of my most safe partners, we have a lot of fourth house synastry, and I think for me I'm realizing how deep it is, it's because it's the place where we feel like we can become undone together. And it's the it's actually an uncurated intimacy house. So it's like, you know, where you feel belonging without the like, quote, unquote, armor, or the drag that you feel like you need to be lovable. And so I, I would love to hear other people let me know if they they found that to be true, but I really think there's something there.

Myisha: Yes! Hit Isa up all you astrologers out there who have many many thoughts about compatibility. Well, this is a great place to take a break, and when we come back we have a question from someone whose partner doesn't respect their witchy ways. Oh, no. And if you want some advice about sex or dating, drop us an email or voice memo at sex life at kcrw dot org.

BREAK

Myisha: And we're back! Isa, are you ready for our last question?

Isa: I am so ready.

Myisha: Great! Let's take a listen.

Question 3: I'm a 37 year old queer cis woman partnered with a cis woman. When we met, we talked about our star signs. She's a Sagittarius, and I'm an Aries. Astrology and other witchy practices are a big part of my life, but after a year and a half of dating, I realize it's not that important to her. She even seems annoyed when I bring up some weird astrological thing that's happening that I find super interesting. Is this the wrong relationship for me?

Isa: So many layers! [Laughter]

Myisha: Yeah! What are your thoughts?

Isa: I feel like we're gonna have to talk this one out. I feel I love this question. I think it's so vulnerable and honest. And I think this is something I want you to speak to is one of the things that I think terrifies all of us in falling in love is that we always are changing. And so sometimes the point in which you meet someone, you know, is a moment of compatibility. And then the whole, like, art of relationships to me is how do we grow together? When I was dating, and I met my partner, Lo, I was very upfront about astrology because I don't think it's a great thing to hide. And I think if it's your profession, if it's a really big deal to you, you need to let people know, early on, don't surprise people with things like that. I think I used to do that and it was because I had shame around it. So I just want to say props for being upfront about that, and it sounds like there's also maybe a deepening and a realization of like, wow, this is really important to me, that's what I heard in the question. It's almost like this person's coming to terms with how important it is that they want to talk about it every day that maybe they want a thought partner in it. I don't necessarily need my partner to be the thought partner in astrology or spirituality. I need them to be open. I need them to be supportive and loving. I need them to understand the boundaries that I have to deepen my own practice, to pursue my own teacher and my own learnings, but I don't necessarily need them, at this moment in my life to be in it with me if that makes sense. So I have my own friends, I have my own colleagues and community members and so maybe ask yourself, before you make a big jump to what does it mean with some sort of finality or like diagnosis, I would say well, have you done enough to outreach to other community? Witchy community? Can you find other folks or other support groups online or in person where you live at who maybe could satisfy that hunger, right? Because Esther Perel talks about this, we can't always expect our partner to be our one stop shop for all of our needs, and what if you experimented with that? What if you gave that two to three months and see how it shifts, you know, your irritation at your partner? Maybe your partner gets turned on that you're taking so much initiative. And just, I think, do that kind of deeper questioning around do I need a partner who's like also doing this practice? The answer could totally be yes, but maybe the answer is not really! I just need to not let their judgment of it, or their skepticism, determine how I relate to it.

Myisha: Right, right. Yeah, a big question I have is, is this person annoyed that you're into astrology and witchy things or are they annoyed because you just talk about it all the time?

Isa: Oh, good one!

Myisha: Because that's real! Like sometimes, like you said, we really do try to make, you know, our thing, our partner's thing. My caveat to that would be like, for a lot of people, they do consider these types of practices their spiritual practice and we might consider this to be like an interfaith relationship. One person believes in astrology, the other one is maybe agnostic, and you know, doesn't have a kind of religious or spiritual practice that they're based in at all, we don't know, they might, but for all intents and purposes, they just don't agree on what they believe. And those types of partnerships exist! They do, but I think there has to be a level of respect of I understand that this is what is meaningful to you and while I don't agree, or see the value in it the way that you do, I respect that you engage in these practices, and I support you having an altar in the spare room, not our bedroom, you know, or in a place in the house that, like, I don't have to engage with all that much. I support you having friends and community that help you to, you know, engage in these topics and conversation and, you know, host your new moon and full moon rituals and all of that fun stuff, but I'm not gonna go! You know? So I do think there's a way to sort of think about this, and question the dynamic a little bit before, like you said, jumping to the conclusion that the relationship is doomed completely, but yeah, if you want to consider this an interfaith relationship, then a conversation might be, I need you to respect my faith, my beliefs, my spiritual practices, if you really love me that's what you're getting. That's not going to change. And it actually helps me be the person that you love. And I will not force you to engage in these conversations, because I know that you don't believe the way that I believe.

Isa:I love there's so much like, yeah, intelligence in what you just talked about, I think just having those healthy expectation conversations that are really specific. I feel like sometimes we get addicted to drama in these unconscious ways of like, and I'm not saying that this caller is doing that, but sometimes we're not having the conversations that would just create some clarity like, you know, my partner is a mechanic, really into cars, I don't even have my license. And I'm, like, so old. So you know, that's hilarious and there's a lot of explicit ways that we support each other. And that it, it makes us fall in love with each other, that we're both so passionate about things. And yet, we still are sure to have these expectation conversations, like, you know, and also sometimes we we actually surprise each other like he the other day wanted to go in my tarot nook and pull a card. And it was something he wanted to do! And it was like so spontaneous, and it was so moving to share it with him, but it's not something we're going to do regularly and it's not something I expected! It was a surprise. And so I like those moments, but I don't let them define my relationship. I make sure to have those conversations and invite them so that we don't harbor that resentment of like, oh, I feel like they always change the subject or, you know, like you're not, you're observing something real! Like they are shifting the conversation away, so maybe just invite a direct explicit conversation about it.

Myisha: Well, much like your partner pulled the tarot card, I do have a friend who got her license at 50, so —

Isa: This is my year y'all! Hold me accountable! Blow up my comment section like Isa you at the DMV yet girl? I'll be like nah, but now I'm headed! But my best friend thought it was amazing. They were like you're with a mechanic who was sick cars? Like I think everyone was like annoyed that I like had a glow up that way. [Laughter]

Myisha: Yeah, you got that, even though you don't have that interest. Yeah, I mean, you know when you make these, when when we, because I'll include myself in this pot. But when we make sweeping generalizations about the type of person were supposed to be with yeah, you know, he could have passed you up because you're not into cars!

Isa: True!

Myisha: How sad! How sad.

Isa: And on our first date I was like, you know, I love being older because I just keep it so real on first dates and I was like, okay, here's a couple of things. Really into astrology. Don't have my license. Not a car owner, you know, like, I think when I was younger, I would just hide stuff and I don't know if I was consciously hiding it but I just felt embarrassed. Again, the Scorpio embarrassment hang up, and it just feels like yeah, like you don't feel confident in who you are and then you're just awkwardly avoiding revealing these major parts of yourself. So I feel like I really front loaded it probably overcorrected, but I was like, if you want a car girly, she is not I! And I think he found it really funny and was like, okay, you're very self possessed and like, keeping it real, you know, but I feel like that's cool. It's a nice energy,I think.

Myisha: Yeah. And you started from a place of honesty.

Isa: And humor! I think humor is important. I wasn't coming at him like, dadada, I was like joking in a jovial spirit about it.

Myisha: Yeah. Yeah. Love it. Love it. For our last segment, I want to pose three questions to you that are all related to sex and dating. Cool. And you get to pick which ones you want to answer. How's that? Feel?

Isa: Great! Feels great.

Myisha: Okay, cool. All right, here are your choices. A. What's an immediate turnoff for you? B. What's the best date you've ever been on and what was their sign? And C, what was the worst date you've ever been on and what was their sign?

Isa: Oh god, these are all so good. Um, I'll do the first one!

Myisha: Okay.

Isa: Because I'm kind of struggling with it and my boyfriend will laugh really hard but my biggest turnoff, that I'm working through right now, is political, closed mindedness and like rigidity, and also anything that I feel like I perceive as conservatism, or like, like a flippant, like attitude to like people's real suffering, I just get very angry very quickly. And so I think I've had to really work on that. And that's still something I really struggle with, because I'm in a relationship with someone where we're not necessarily always sharing the same politics and I would argue that I've never been in a relationship like that and that I was kind of deluding myself, narratavizing that I have, and I think these things are actually never shared. And you always need to be very open minded and approaching each other, and creating a safe, engaged, like context to engage, and I don't always do that. And I think I have a lot of like, self righteousness in me and a lot of like, true emotional ties to people's convictions, which is a very Scorpio Aries thing and so I feel like there's awareness that I'm creating around myself or like, I don't think I always make the environment feel that safe. If you're not saying something that sits well with me, I can quickly, it's not what I'm saying, it's the energy suddenly switches in my body language, and it's like, adversarial o'clock, and I've grown a lot in it, but I'm just going to name that it's like, still a struggle for me. And I feel like we're living in a in an extremely charged time. And I'm sure that I'm responding to the pace, and the nature of the arena that we're living in right now which is fast and urgent and intense and fraught. But for me, that's not like a chill one. Like other people's turn offs are like, don't, you're rude to waiters! For me, it's like any little comment. I'm like, what side are you on? You know, like, I get very, like, what, how down are you for the? You know, and it's something that I just, is a very Isa one, but I wanted to offer that because I don't know if other people struggle with that, but I'm really I'm really holding myself accountable. Like, you have to create a loving, curious environment in your relationships.

Myisha: Yeah, I mean, my friend calls it punk damage, you know, when you've been punk your whole life, and then you have to, like navigate the world with like, you know, some squares. You know? It's really rough. You've got to be like, you know, that that impulse to be like, this isn't punk enough for me, you know.

Isa: That's. You have no idea the levels of hilarity that was, yeah.

Myisha: Yeah, it just rises up in you and yeah in relationships, you're going to disagree, generally, regardless of whether or not you suffer from punk damage, or the whiplash, the political whiplash that we are all living through currently, you're going to disagree with your partner on certain things and have to talk through points of divergence when it comes to really touchy tender, big things, and it's not always easy. So I'm glad you have that awareness. I'm glad that you shared that because I'm sure people will relate. Yeah, and if people do relate, oh, I'd love to hear some voice memos from people who have navigated this in relationship that would be amazing and a gift to everybody else who is struggling with this. So yeah.

Isa: And just to tie it, just to tie it to astrology in case anyone finds it interesting, is that my boyfriend is Aquarius rising and moon and Aquarius for those who don't know is a sign that it's the rebel it's it's here to shake things up and it's not really interested in popularity or being on beat. Or in tune with what everyone's saying. And so when you're and I come from a long line of Aquarius suns, and so I was made in the fire of people who are contrarian, and so just that adds a little humor for the astro heads listening, but yeah, it's, yeah, it's part of, it's part of who they are. They're not trying to. They're not trying to diminish you. It's literally part of how they understand the world is through questions. Right. So.

Myisha: Yeah, which can be a challenge, I'm sure. [Laughter] Yes. Yes. Isa, thank you so much for playing along. This was great. I loved our conversation! Before you go, please let people know where they can find you and encourage you to get your driver's license.

Isa: [Laughter] Thank you so much! I loved talking to you and yeah, I'm so honored that I could be on the show. Yes, I am the host of Stars and Stars with Isa, which is a weekly podcast where I read artists birth charts, and we just had Rico Nasty. We're gonna have Roxane Gay soon. It's really been a joy. 

Myisha: Oooh!

Speaker: Yeah. So tune in whether you're an astrology believer or not, there's always, it's you know, it's a really hybrid conversation. We talk about artistic process and we go deep on love and family, so there's something for everyone and it comes out every Tuesday. And you can find me at isanaka, i-s-a n-a-k-a on all platforms, and Stars and Stars with Isa on Instagram and Tiktok.

Myisha: Awesome. Thank you so much for being here Isa.

Isa: Thank you so much!

Myisha: And thank you for listening! We love getting your questions, please keep sending those in, but we also want to hear your messy gossip and your stories! We're deep into Pride Month and we want to hear all about your queer hookups. Have you run into any exes? Maybe you've just fallen hard for someone? Tell us about it. Just send a voice memo to sex life at kcrw dot org and we might feature it on the show. We promise we'll keep you anonymous.

Myisha: 'How's your Sex Life?' is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was recorded by Phil Richards and mixed by Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And last but not least, a big shout out to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

VO 1: This is Mike Vogel. Thanks for listening!

VO 2: I'm Elina Shatkin. Be sure to follow the show and share it with a friend.

VO 3: This is Marion Hodges. See you next week for another episode of How's Your Sex Life!