Friends with benefits full transcript

Myisha Battle: I know we can get really excited and fixated about things that we want to do with partners, but you gotta pretend like hmm, I don't care, we can do it whenever.

Rocio Contreras: Some reverse psychology action.

MUSIC

Myisha: Welcome back to KCRW's ‘How's Your Sex Life?’, your sex and dating survival guide. I'm your host Myisha Battle and I'm here to tell you that dating has its highs and lows and it can also feel sometimes like nothing is happening. But I want you to take advantage of the calm while you have it and enjoy the connections you already have. Today we're gonna hear from listeners who need advice on moving on from friends with benefits and what dating your long term partner looks like. I'm here today with Rocio Contreras. Welcome!

Ro: Hi! So happy to be here.

Myisha: I'm really happy to have you here Ro! So you know some of the KCRW listeners know you as DJ Wyldeflower.

Ro: Yeah!

Myisha: For those listeners who don't know you, can you introduce yourself and tell them a little bit about your show?

Ro: Yes! So I do DJ under Wyldeflower and I love sharing music. Both live. I'm a vinyl collector. And we go everywhere, but mainly the tropics. I'm a big fan of tropical sounds.

Myisha: And visiting tropical places.

Ro: Yeah, I love Brazil. I love beaches. You know, I love the calm, I love the water. It could be because I'm a double water sign. I got Pisces in my chart, and Scorpio with Pisces in my chart.

Myisha: Ooh, spicy! I love it.

Ro: Little Libra to balance things out in there.

Myisha: Okay! You always need a little sprinkle of that. Well, I am so happy to have you here to answer our listener questions today, but before we get to them, I have a question for you.

Ro: Let's do it.

Myisha: How's your sex life?

Ro: It is expansive. It is open. It is, you know! It's open!

Myisha: Okay! I like that.

Ro: We're open for business over here, you know. [Laughs]

Myisha: Yes! You recently shared before we got started taping that you are dating.

Ro: I am!

Myisha: You're starting that process. So if people like what they hear today, maybe they'll catch you out in these streets, on the apps!

Ro: Yeah, I just got on the apps! Oh, my goodness, it goes in waves, you know?

Myisha: Yeah for sure.

Ro: It's definitely one of those things that even just being on the app is opening up a part of yourself to allow connection to allow someone to come in. So even if people are hesitant to be on the apps, it's just about the rhythm. I feel like, you know, being open to just receiving.

Myisha: Yeah, you gotta, you gotta get out there. And you know, it's worth, it's worth shooting your shot.

Ro: Yeah, absolutely. It's the only way I feel like.

Myisha: Well we have some question askers who shot their shot when we asked for people to submit. So we're gonna get to those now. Let's get started! As a reminder, our questions are voiced by actors to keep everyone anonymous.

Question 1: Hey, Myisha. So what should I do if I want to be more than friends with benefits, but the other person doesn't?

Ro: Clear communication is the key to happiness. And then you know, I feel like not forcing anything. Because it has to flow, it has to feel good. So it's like, it's okay to get what you needed to get from the person and elegantly bow out because it's a time sucker, you know, staying in something. It's like, if the person isn't down, then keep it movin’.

Myisha: Yeah, I think there's also room for this question asker to think about what their ultimate dating goals are or what is their aim? You know, is their aim to date around to find a long term partner? Or is there something to be said for finding a connection that works at this friends with benefits level? And trying to make it something it's not might actually ruin what it is? I've been in this situation before where I expressed interest in someone, they were like, no, not open to it. Recently, you know, just got out of something. I'm dating around, feel free to date around, etcetera and it was hurtful to hear that but I respected it so much.

Ro: Yeah,

Myisha: It also helped me to set realistic expectations on like, what that was and to opt in or opt out, and I chose to stick with it. And we were, like hooking up for like, probably a year, year and a half or something, and it really helped me! I was in grad school, I was really stressed out!

Ro: Yeah! It did what it needed to do.

Myisha: Yeah! It did what it needed to do, and lovely person, but relationship was just not in the cards, and I think that it's important to, like, really hear people when they say what they want. And all you can do is respond accordingly, based on what your needs are. So if you need partnership, and this person is not able to give it to you, keep it moving.

Ro: Yeah, it's also being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes like those conversations can be a little, you know, uncomfortable and slightly, like embarrassing when you're like putting yourself out there, and you don't get back what you hope, but at least you're getting clarity, which is huge! That's like something I've wished for in other relationships, and now I feel like I'm a bit more just clear and direct, which maybe comes with age, maybe it comes with experiencing what people call, friends with benefits or situationships or whatever people are labeling these experiences as, it's like, the clarity of just being direct. And getting something back, getting an honest response is so beautiful to me, that it takes away the odd feeling of like, 'Oh, I just exposed myself to this person and let them know how I feel.' You know, even if there's no, you know, sexual element, there's still intimacy, because you're sharing yourself with someone, you're being open with someone. And I feel like that can be a really hard thing, but it's also very rewarding.

Myisha: Yeah, it's funny that you mention like feeling exposed, because like, sex is one of the most exposing things that we do with other people. But it's the emotional part that can sometimes make us feel more vulnerable. The sex part. So, you know, for this question, asker, I think, you know, they're asking us what they should do, but they've got all the information they need, I think, to sit with what it is that they actually want from this person. And if it's to keep it casual, now, you know, that's all they're capable of, so you can continue dating to try to find a long term partner, potentially.

Ro: And also, it's one of those things where, like, if you're not completely honest with yourself, like staying in these situations, just because you're familiar, there's a sense of like, okay, I know what this is, you know, you're potentially setting yourself up for failure or for disappointment, because, yeah, you're into the rhythm, and you're into that flow. But if if it's not, you know, like you're watering a tree, that's not gonna give you fruit. You're just sitting there just wasting all this water. And, you know, we can't just be out there wasting all this water for no reason.

Myisha: It's true.

Ro: So it's like about being honest with yourself like, okay, I don't want this and although it is fulfilling something, it's also blocking the potential of something else.

Myisha: Yeah, absolutely. Okay, question asker, I think we've got some, some deep thought ahead, and then, yeah, let us know what you decided to do. I would love to hear from this listener and question asker. Yeah. Okay! Our next question asker needs some date night ideas. Let's take a listen.

Question 2: Hey Myisha, how do you continue to date your spouse and keep it romantic? Especially after so many years together?

Myisha: This is a great question, and I get it a lot as a sex coach, because I think that sex and intimacy often get conflated. And, you know, things that people think they should just be able to take as a given in long term relationships actually do require maintenance and work. So, you know, you might be having sex regularly, but you might not feel intimately connected to your partner, or the intimacy has shifted and changed as you've gotten closer or you feel like you, you know them to a certain degree, maybe you feel like you know them too well, and the mystery isn't there anymore to kind of cultivate that sense of, you know, who are you? That intrigue that can fuel sexual desire too, so one of the things that I work with my clients on is building in more regular one on one time for couples, because I think we think traditionally, the trajectory is you meet, you date, you get engaged, you get married, you move in, maybe somewhere around there maybe before or after, and then once you're married and kind of settled, everything should just flow. And I see a lot of couples who kind of hit autopilot at that point, and don't recognize the value in putting effort into having new experiences with each other. And this doesn't mean you have to spend a ton of money or go out every week and have this like designated date night. It just means, like seeing your partner in different ways in different lights. And sometimes that can just be spurred by a conversation, you know, a question that maybe you've wanted to ask them but never asked before? And you could be surprised by the answer. So I think there's, there are many ways to keep the romance going, as long as you're willing to admit to yourself that you'll never fully, fully fully understand your partner and know them. And that that's a good thing, that there's always something to be learned, and always some deeper level to get to. I know that's been true for me.

Ro: Yeah. To continuously date, to keep the mystery alive, to just surprise, in gentle ways. I mean, some partners don't like to be super surprised, but like little things that you know, thoughtful things, because that's what when I was in a very, very long relationship, I feel like those constant dates, concerts, those continuous just like, let's show up for each other, and, and have the hard conversations and, you know, really make up, you know, when things are tough, it's it, it's sexy, like, beautiful, long conversations and being present, and being very aware of each other's needs is a continual process. So one of the things when you were talking about like, Okay, what's the flow, you meet a person, you date, you get married, it's like the dating part, is throughout, is forever. That's the one thing it's like, you don't turn that off, whether you're married, whether, you know, it's part of it, it's a literal fuel, it feels like for the relationship. As someone who's not in a relationship now, I mean, it makes you think about like, okay, when I dive back into that, you know, you have the tools, and you have like those moments of reflection where you're like, I want to keep the spark alive. And just having that conversation with your partner, like, this is an active ritual that we're committed to is important. You know, if you're both on the same page, and you're like, yeah, we have to continue to do this. Because it can't be one sided. That's the thing. So if you're in a long term relationship, and you want to keep the spark, it's something you communicate. You know, communication is just the sexiest thing I feel like.

Myisha: Yeah, yeah! Esther Perel, talks about novelty and the importance of it in long term partnership in mating and captivity and it's so so so, so real, I think that what I've seen in my practice is a lot of couples that, you know, got, they made it through the pandemic, which congratulations if you did as a couple and you didn't break up or get a divorce, because a lot of people did. But they made it through but then on the other side, there's like, this feeling of same, same same, you know, a lot of us move to working from home and not having a lot of variety or diversity in our day. And for couples who are both working from home, side by side or room next to room, etcetera, like, that's a really challenging dynamic to try to find novelty in. And, you know, I have couples that come to me and they're like, we're not having all that much sex. I'm like, well tell me about the time you spend together and they're like, well, we cook dinner, we put on Netflix, we go to bed. [Laughter] You know, like, that's really all the time in their day, or their week that they are able to spend time together. And while that is of value, it's not the stuff that excites and ignites us on like a soul level, the way that you know, like you said, going to a concert or just seeing your partner in a different context, I've had clients who like, once they started planning date nights, the guy planned for his wife to take her to this, like, knife making class like they made knives together. And it was this very unexpected thing for her like, she was like, what are we doing? Why are we doing this? But it was so out of the box that it brought them closer and brought a level of intimacy back into their relationship that hadn't been there for a long time. And I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about that closeness that you feel when you're with somebody who you feel like you do truly know and trust and love, and who cares enough about you to plan something special, or do something nice for you. And again, doesn't have to be something that you go out of your way a lot for, or spend a ton of money on. It can just be sitting down without the TV on and without devices and saying, how are you? What's going on with you? I want to know, I want to hear.

Ro: I mean even just a drive!

Myisha: Yeah! I love the drive.

Ro: Ugh, I love the drive. And as a person from California that PCH drive is so romantic! I've had some quite lovely situations just listening to a record like, hey, let's let's sit with this record and drive down and catch the sunset. It's so lovely, you know, and it's doesn't cost much. And it's just those moments of, of knowing that you're together, you put your phones away, you're present, you know, presence is also extremely sexy, you know, I feel like a lot of people get lost in their phones or in work, and it's so important to pause and be present with each other.

Myisha: Yes. There's a couple more things I wanted to point out to this, to this question asker, because I know I have clients with kids, and that's harder to plan for right? And what tends to happen is any moment they, the couple has without the kids and after work is is talking about the kids and work and logistics of the house. So my only, like, you know, ask here is that when you plan that time together, it really has to be a no phones, no kid talk, no logistics talk. Unless it's like, let's plan a vacation together. Let's talk about like something that we want to do, and we have to kind of work through the nuts and bolts of that. But for this person who wants to know how to keep that romance and spark alive it's so important to to have that designated time that's just for the two of you.

Ro: Yes! Like, just take it to the foreplay talk or something. Don't talk about work and how annoying your co-worker is, like don't ruin the drive, [laughs] Literally! The sex drive, the drive on PCH, just don't do it. Don't ruin it.

Myisha: I love how sex drive has a double entendre meaning there.

Ro: Mhm, yes!

Myisha: Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back we'll hear from a listener who's feeling some guilt over pegging?

Ro: Ooo, alright!

Myisha: Hmm interesting. And if you need sex or relationship advice, drop us an email or voice memo at sex life at kcrw dot org.

BREAK

And we're back! Let's listen to our last question.

Question 3: Hey Myisha! I want to peg my partner, but he's not as excited about it as I am. We're in a long term relationship and we both enjoy other forms of butt play, so it's not completely off the table. When I talked to him about it recently, he said it's my eagerness to peg him that's overwhelming. I was already worried I bring up the topic too much, so I felt pretty guilty when he explained his reason for holding back. How can I create a comfortable space for him to actually want to enjoy this?

Myisha: Chill on the pegging! Calm down! [Laughs]

Ro: Yeah!

Myisha: Calm down! I know we can get really excited and fixated about things that we want to do with partners, but as you've pointed out, that is a turn off to your partner with regard to this specific act. So I think you've got to kind of calm, you gotta play it cool. You gotta pretend like, hm I don't care, we can do it whenever, like, it's fine. Whenever you're ready, like you come to me. And I think that could actually get you what you want in the end if you release the pressure around this a little bit.

Ro: Yeah. Some reverse psychology action.

Myisha: That's right!

Ro: I don't even like that. I mean, a little, but you know, hey. It's one of those! You got, you have to. Psychology is, is a tool!

Myisha: Yeah! And it's not manipulation, because this person is interested in being pegged like you haven't said that this is a no for them, right? If this was a no, I'd be like, we'll just respect their no and keep it moving.

Ro: Yeah.

Myisha: Like just you know move on. But, you know, the two of you enjoy this, but there's just something about like, how you're so eager beaver about it that is, is really making this person maybe more anxious to play around with you.

Ro: And some of us are kind of rebellious. Like I know, as a Scorpio I'm like, don't tell me what to do. I'll do it when I want to do it, you know? So it depends on I mean, the partner's personality also, like, you could be triggering something for them. Just be gentle and it'll manifest.

Myisha: I believe that! I think this person has pegging in their future for sure.

Ro: I think so, yes!

Myisha: But in the meantime, deep breaths are your friend, you know? And just playing it cool. I love your approach of just like, I don't even, who me?

Ro: What? No!

Myisha: I'm not even interested in that.

Ro: I mean like if you wanted to at 3pm, but no pressure! [Laughs] Oh, man.

Myisha: Yeah, just, you know, pack away your toys and your lube for a moment and then let things unfold. And you might be surprised.

Ro: Right! But don't pack it too far back. Just kind of leave, like leave it, you know, just just there. Because then they'll walk by and be like, oh, yeah huh, that. They haven't brought it up, so maybe yeah, maybe I'll bring it up. Just a little product placement, just leave, just leave it right there in the bedroom!

Myisha: Not on the pillow! But someplace nearby?

Ro: Maybe not on the pillow, maybe not the nightstand either, but just maybe, like in a drawer that gets opened every so often.

Myisha: Yeah.

Ro: Yeah.

Myisha: Yeah. Okay. I think I think we're good here.

Ro: I think so!

Myisha: Okay, we're gonna move into our last segment. Basically, I have three questions lined up for you and they're all related to sex and dating. And you get to pick one and answer it. How's that feel?

Ro: That feels great.

Myisha: All right, here are your choices. A, who was your first celebrity or IRL crush? B, what's the best way someone's asked you out? Or C, what's your favorite thing about being single?

Ro: Those are tough ones! You know? I don't like celebrities, so we're gonna, we're gonna just get rid of A. And what's my favorite thing about being single? I don't like being single right now! No, I'm just kidding.

Myisha: That's a fair answer!

Ro: These are hard! No, I feel like I spent a lot of time being single, like being in control, you know? I, I like that. I like knowing my surroundings. I like to feel like I have control over the situation. And, and being single and having, like, I'm going to call it like rhythmic partnerships, because they're the partnerships that I've been in I've been very clear with my my partners that you know, although I'm only dating them, there's no pressure on who they're dating, as long as it doesn't bring me any drama or bring me any complication. Just because I was so focused on on work and, you know, producing and being in like music and just trying to stay focused. I did enjoy the perspective of, of being single and chatting with my single friends and, and, you know, having like that rhythmic person there like my go-to person. And I'm also happy that I'm kind of out of that mind state and open for my person. And, you know, that honesty, I feel like took some time to develop. And I needed that, that, you know, that that moment of being single I needed that. So I feel like I'm super grateful that I didn't like fill my space with with confusion and, you know, I was focused and did my thing. And now I'm focused and trying to do another thing!

Myisha: Yes! As you do, you know, you jump off one wave, you catch another. [Laughs]

Ro: Mhm! It does go in waves and that's one of the things that I always like to tell my friends and myself that, you know, life just definitely goes in waves and sometimes the waves crash stronger than others, you know, and it's all about just learning, learning to ride the wave.

Myisha: Mhm, mmm I love that. I'm so happy you did this and I want people to know where they can find you so they can listen to the show, but also those of you who are listening, maybe you have heard this episode and think Ro could be really good for my friend. Forward this episode!

Ro: Yes! Let ‘em know!

Myisha: You're on a mission! I want, I want to like spread the love here. I want to share it. I want people to find you. The right person will find you and I want to be a part of that.

Ro: Yeah. I love this. I'm so here for this. You can just holler at me on socials, w-y-l-d-e flower, wyldeflower, that's me on all the platforms. And check my show out! Every Wednesday at 10pm PST on KCRW. I have 207 archived shows. So you know, take a peek at how my brain works musically.

Myisha: Tropical vibe for the summer.

Ro: Tropical vibes!

Myisha: Very appropriate. I will be listening in Palm Springs. Thank you very much.

Ro: This was lovely. Thank you so much Myisha.

Myisha: [Laughs] Thank you!

Myisha: And thank you for listening. We talk a lot about romantic love on this podcast, but we also want to talk about platonic love. So what do you need advice on when it comes to friendships in your life? Are you not seeing eye to eye with a friend? Maybe you feel like they're jealous of you? Or maybe you're having a hard time staying connected? Whatever you're going through, we want to hear about it for a special episode on friendship. Just drop us an email or voice memo at sex life at kcrw dot org with friendship in the subject line. Again that email is sex life at kcrw dot org.

CREDITS

Myisha: ‘How's Your Sex Life?’ is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was recorded by Hope Brush and mixed by Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to SF Podcast Studio, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And a big shout out to our voice actors will let them introduce themselves on the way out.

VO 1: This is Joey Ponticello. Thanks for listening.

VO 2: This is Mike Vogel. If you liked this episode, follow the show. And please share it with a friend!

VO 3: This is Lena Ransfer. See you next week for another episode of 'How's Your Sex Life?'.