Dating Apps Broke My Brain

Myisha Battle: Hey, everyone, welcome back. It's How's Your Sex Life from KCRW, and I am your host Myisha Battle. You all had a bunch of different questions for me to dig into this episode and I'm so excited. From meeting the right guy who's not into sex with you, to what to do when a favorite vibrator has worked too well, and leaves you a little numb. We've all been there. We have all been there. But first, I want to talk to you about dating apps. There are a ton out there, Grindr, Tinder, Bumble, you know them. And even those exclusive ones like Raya and The League. But the thing they all have in common? People are sick of using them.

Question #1: Hey, Myisha. So here's the background. Dating someone for seven months, we really care about each other, but our time on dating apps left us both with a feeling of 'who's out there and is there someone better?' that has left me with a basic insecurity about where his head is at and how much I should care about this or take him seriously. My question is, how do I shake the way apps broke my brain? I hate that endless menu they've introduced to dating. I feel like I can't trust someone who says he loves me, because there's such access to other options.

Myisha Battle: Interesting. So it sounds like the two of you have had conversations about how you may not be each other's one? Yeah, I mean, that that is a possibility. In dating, always, and potentially, in this relationship. I'm curious to know if you have talked about non monogamy in this relationship, because you're also experiencing this curiosity around other people. And that to me may be a response to the fact that you're not getting this 100% solid commitment from your partner, but it also could just be genuinely coming from your desire to explore other relationships beyond this. So that's, that's a thinker, right? You've got to give yourself an opportunity to think, do I want this relationship to end in some kind of monogamous commitment? And that's why I'm feeling uneasy? Or am I just very enticed by the idea that there could be other partners out there for me? Who might deliver something that this current partner is not delivering? It's a big question, but I think it's one that you should start by asking yourself, and then I think you once you have your answer, taking that to your partner is the is the best next step. These conversations are never easy. But I'm getting the sense that you have hesitated in putting what you want out there. So it's, it's really important for your partner to know, so that he can also respond accordingly. He's probably, there's a world in which he is in the exact same boat as you are. So you're both saying I love you. But you both are expressing this desire to, you know, look elsewhere, or you lament the fact that you're off the apps. And he's thinking, maybe this person isn't a solid bet for me. So I'll continue to search, you might be giving each other the same message and not knowing it, but you're thinking that he's going to be the one to make the big gesture, towards commitment, when in fact, you have all have the capability to express that that's what you're looking for. And he has all the capability of saying, 'fuck yeah, or 'absolutely not, that's not what I intend for this relationship.' So it's a hard conversation, but it should be a fruitful one, you'll come out of the other side, feeling like you have some better understanding of where this relationship is going. 

Myisha Battle: Alright, let's move on. Sometimes you meet people who check all the boxes for you. Good sense of humor, caring, sexy, excellent Wordle track record. You know, just somebody who gets you, right? And our next question asker says she's found that person for her. There's just one problem.

Question #2: He has no interest in sex or affection. How do I safely approach the subject without shutting him down?

Myisha Battle: Ouch. Oh, no. Oh, I don't know that there's any way that you can, quote unquote, safely approach this conversation. I think that it's a hard conversation, by the very nature of it. You are noticing something about someone who has not disclosed a reason why he is not interested in sex with you. That's going to be hard, it's just going to be tough, it's going to be awkward. I think that the best thing that you can do is to prepare yourself for that conversation. What I like to do is envision several different outcomes to a tough conversation that I'm approaching. The first one is a very positive experience. So you might envision that, you say, 'Hey, I noticed that our relationship hasn't really gone to a sexual place. Can you tell me more about that? Can you tell me why that is? I'm interested in it are you?' And his response may be, 'I was just waiting for the right moment and now that you've said, you're interested in it, I feel like it's the right moment.' And that might feel really, really good to hear. So let yourself sort of experience a positive response. And then the other side of that might be to experience a negative response. There are a lot of reasons why people may not want to engage sexually, not just with you specifically, but in general, and that might be going on for him. So for instance, when you ask him, you know, I've noticed that this isn't happening in our relationship, can you tell me what's going on, he might respond with, you know, I have a history of sexual trauma and it's very difficult for me to feel intimately connected with someone enough to take it to that place. And it's been very hard for me to talk about that, because there's still so much pain associated with my history. Or he might say, 'I'm asexual, I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with you. I really enjoy the romantic connection that we've been building, but I could go like this forever.' Okay, that might be devastating to you, even though he has told you a core truth about himself, right? Somewhere in between there is a neutral response. And you might experience him saying something like, 'you know, I just am not a really sexual person. You know, I need a lot to get me in the mood sexually. And I just haven't felt that way. It's nothing personal, but you know, I'm maybe on the lower sex drive spectrum.' That is useful information as well. And something that you could definitely work with in the partnership. It helps you to understand what kind of experiences you can expect from this relationship. And it also allows you to have some follow up questions like what do you need to feel sexual? Are there times in the day or the week or the month where you feel like you have more access to sexual energy? How can we capitalize on that, because that's something that's really important to me to build into our relationship. So again, there's no safe way to approach this, but there are ways that you can arm yourself to expect the unexpected to a certain degree. He could still throw you a curveball, I'm not saying that. But it's important for you to kind of give yourself permission to explore what it would be like to receive a wide spectrum of answers. So yeah, I really hope that you are able to have that tough conversation. I believe in you. I think tough conversations, actually, in the end, deepen relationships, no matter what happens. If that person feels like you've given them space to share more about themselves, and they take that opportunity. I mean, they have to take that opportunity as well. It can deepen your intimacy tremendously. So I hope that you go forward and have that tough conversation with them. 

Myisha Battle: We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back we'll have a question from someone who is experiencing something that's so common in dating these days and that is utter despair. If you've been listening and you want to submit a question of your own, drop us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org.

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Myisha Battle: And we're back. I am really excited to dig into this next question because the sentiment behind it is something that I hear a lot in my coaching practice. People are really, really baffled by how to meet people that they really connect with. And, you know, maybe their friends and family can't figure it out for them either. And so they're getting a lot of feedback about, oh, you should be in a relationship. And, you know, it just feels so hard at times. And this next question asker, I think summarizes those feelings really well.

Question #3: Hey, Myisha. I feel like whatever I'm doing, it's the wrong thing. I've tried to take advice from friends and family to heart and connect to others, but to no avail. I've also tried blind dates and online dating. At times, I fall for people who aren't even into me. Friends, family, and co workers have told me I'm a nice guy, and I shouldn't be single, but here I am responding to a Google form. This has been happening for the past 20 years, more or less, and I need help in finding the right person, or at least figure out what I'm doing wrong. I hope you can help.

Myisha Battle: I hope I can help too. But there's not a lot in this question about your experience, specifically for me to glean what I can do to help you be a better dater, which I think, is one of the goals that I'm hearing from this question. Another goal that I think is buried in there is that you are wanting a long term partnership, and that just hasn't materialized for you. So you've been on dates, blind dates, which is great, you've been set up, awesome. You've used the apps, etc. If I were working with you, we'd really be looking at your profile to see what's there. And what we could do to tweak it to show people who are looking for something similar. So a long term partnership, show them who you are, and how you live your life. There's also not a lot in your question about you know, who you are to the world at large. So what are your interests? What are some of the communities that you're a part of, and I would also want to know how we could leverage those connections so that when you're going about your life, you are taking those opportunities as a way to engage with people, meet folks, and potentially find romantic partnership through those channels, which might be a little slower going than being on the apps. But I think in your case, because you've been stuck in this place for the last 20 years, I can sense that there is some urgency to try to find a solution to what's you know, what, what has been your pattern in the past, which is, you know, relationships not materializing for you. So between the apps, which are a lot more fast paced, you know, a lot of matching swiping around, we could develop some strategies to help you manage all that app based dating entails. But also, we would want to be looking at your in person opportunities as well, to meet people to be social, and to put yourself out there. So that's a strategy. Obviously, it involves working with a professional like me, a dating coach, I think this could be tremendous also for you, because there's that question of what am I doing wrong. And it may not be that you're doing something wrong, but there may be behaviors or patterns that you're engaging in, and you don't know that they might be getting in your way of getting to know people on dates, getting to show yourself and who you are on dates. That is you know, it's somehow causing some friction between, you know, people who are interested in you initially when you match and then not really interested in you after you meet them. So without that data, it's really hard for me to give you more advice, but just know that I do believe that there are people out there for you, who you just have not yet met. And that working with a dating coach can provide you a lot of feedback about what you're doing on dates and how you're approaching dating, so that you can get more detailed information more than just you know, your lovely friends and family who are telling you what a great guy you are. That's not really helpful because they don't really know the intricacies of what's happening for you on the dates and what might be, you know, creating a barrier between you and that really important long term goal that you have for yourself of a partnership. Don't give up. Moving on now to our last question, let me set the scene for you a little bit. You reach for your favorite vibrator for a little me time, fire it up to your favorite setting, lean back and start exploring all the things you love to explore. Except things are taking a little longer than usual and maybe orgasm isn't anywhere in sight? That's what's happening to our next question asker. Let's take a listen.

Question #4: I feel like my clitoris has been completely desensitized by my Hitachi magic wand. I know I need to rewire my neural pathways and stop using my Hitachi wand altogether. But I feel like this process is going to take a long time and it's going to be hard. Do you have any recommendations on what I should do?

Myisha Battle: Ah, the Hitachi number. I understand that taking something away that has felt so reliable and so much like a shortcut, for all these years might be really difficult and even painful, but that is the process. That is what is necessary. So you know, what you may want to do is set up a schedule for yourself where maybe if your masturbation pattern includes like using the Hitachi, two to three times a week, you back that off to one time a week. So you're not going cold turkey, but you're giving your vulva a little bit of a chance to reacclimate. You can still masturbate, but I would recommend using your hand, and why I recommend using your hand instead of a lower vibe vibrator is because it will give you more of a connection to yourself. And I really want to kind of push back on this feeling of like, it's taking too long, and it's hard. You don't always have to come. You know, part of this will be exploring through physical touch through skin on skin, what your vulva actually wants, and what it needs. We do have a tendency to create these shortcuts for ourselves and become really reliant upon them. But I think part of having a really robust sexual repertoire is that we have tools in our toolbox that we get to use, but none of our tools limit us. They're supposed to help us increase our options, not limit our options. So Hitachis are great and I recommend them all the time. But if you're experiencing that the, you know, consistent use of one is limiting your full experience of what your vulva can do and what your clitoris can do, let's take a break, it's fine, you know. You don't have to, again, fully, fully take it out of your life. But try to rework your relationship to it so that you think of it as, alright, like when I am super ready to just come really quickly, I use my wand. That's the function. That's the purpose of it. Not, it's the thing that I use every single time that I want to masturbate, and you can start exploring some really, really cool things. I'm just going to tease that. I'm not going to tell you what they are, because I want you to figure it out on your own. 

Myisha Battle: Before we leave today, I want to talk about a major theme that came up in these questions, which is pushing past discomfort. When I work with clients, sometimes it feels like my role is helping them to have the tough conversation that they've been avoiding to take the step that they've been fearing to take and to do the thing that they know they should be doing. And this is for a range of issues, right? I think we all need support and motivation. When it comes to making changes in any aspect of our lives. Why would our sex life be any different? And sometimes you just need that person to say no, yeah, you're you're on the right track here. My biggest piece of advice to folks who are hesitant to take that next step is this is going to be uncomfortable. You are not going to like it and that's not the point. I have a friend and colleague in the field, I guess, who has said to me in the past, the quality of her relationships is in direct proportion to her willingness to have tough conversations. So, if she's not willing to do the work, then her relationship quality suffers. And I think that that's true for ourselves. You know, if we're not willing to do the work for ourselves, then how is our relationship to ourselves going to be impacted by that? And sometimes people just need to hear, yeah, it's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck for a minute. But then the ultimate reward is that you get to know more about yourself, you get to know more about your partner, you get to know more about the relationships that you're trying to build in your life. 

Myisha Battle: That's it for our show today. If you have a question about sex or dating, shoot us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org. Be sure to give us a little background info or even send us a voice memo. That email address again is sex life at kcrw dot org. You can also find me on socials at Myisha Battle. That's M-Y-I-S-H-A B-A-T-T-L-E. Until next time, take care, stay open and enjoy the process. How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Women's Audio Mission, to Nathalie Hill, Meggan Ellingboe, Connie Alvarez, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And an extra special thanks to our voice actors Lena Ransfer and Kerry Prince.