Getting laid over 40 full transcript
Myisha: Is there sex after divorce?
Jane: Absolutely.
Myisha: You're proof of that yeah?
Jane: Yeah, I've been divorced twice!
Myisha: Keep having sex!
Jane: And I just had sex yesterday!
[MUSIC]
Myisha: Hi, welcome back to another episode of KCRW's How's Your Sex Life? I'm your host Myisha Battle. And today I'm here with my guest, Jane Marie. Jane is the host of the hit podcast The Dream and the author of the recently released book Selling the Dream. She also has an advice show called Dear Jean Marie. Thanks Jane for being here.
Jane: My pleasure!
Myisha: I'm very excited to chat with you today. Because you are in the advice world so you're no stranger. But before we dig into the questions that we have from some listeners today, I have a question for you.
Jane: Yes.
Myisha: How's your sex life?
Jane: I did it yesterday.
Myisha: You did?
Jane: Yes!
Myisha: Congratulations!
Jane: I mean, I — with another person.
Myisha: Yeah, sure.
Jane: Like I do it by myself all the time. But there was another person involved yesterday and it was thrilling. It's been like, a couple of years, honestly.
Myisha: I was gonna ask, yeah. Had it been a long time?
Jane: Yeah. Which is unusual for me. I - that's always been a priority in my life, but now I have a child and I'm a single parent. I don't, the other parent left and moved across the country, and it's just me now. So finding the time to like, first of all, meet someone. Second of all get to that place. Like where do I put the kid? But anyway, it happened to me. It happened to me yesterday.
Myisha: You make it sound like you did nothing to like, it like came upon you as an experience! It just encroached.
Jane: It kind of did. Well, I kind of let it you know, like, I was like, I need this. Go for it, buddy! And so fun. So fun. Yeah.
Myisha: Was this like a date situation?
Jane: Yes.
Myisha: Did you? Okay. All right.
Jane: It was someone I met on Feeld.
Myisha: Nice!
Jane: And we have been on a couple of dates before. And then this was like, the third date or something. And, yeah, mission accomplished Feeld!
Myisha: Maybe they'll be one of the first dating apps to actually publish their like findings, because they're not focused on people actually like, coupling up, they're focused on people like having sex, and that'd be easier to report!
Jane: I would love to see it. So I used to host Tinder's podcast called DTR.
Myisha: Oh, yes, yes yes! Okay, yeah.
Jane: I was the host of the official Tinder podcast and I did get access to all of their numbers and how things work. And it's really changed recently! Like, with all the premium products now on all the apps, like, subscribe, subscribe to this and that. And then you can see who looked at your profile, whatever, all the like bonus content you can get from these apps is expensive. But back in the day, 10 years ago, it was free mostly. And I did get to peek inside the world of a dating app. Very intimately. They had a house sociologist!
Myisha: Oh, yeah! And they they do. I know Bumble has one. They usually —
Jane: Dr. Jess Carbino. I don't know if you know her.
Myisha: Yeah, we did a panel together actually which was really fun. It was like, me, the guy from Modern Love and her. It was a fun time. Yeah, I mean, it's, I mean, we could talk about dating apps forever and ever. You probably were, like privy to some proprietary information that we cannot disclose here. But I want to learn more about it after after we do this. Okay, so let's dig into our first question. And as a reminder, these questions you'll be hearing are voiced by actors, not the question askers
Question 1: My wife and I have very different sexual tastes. I would like to explore a kinkier side of things. She was raised fairly conservatively. On one hand, consent is very important, and I want her to be on board with anything we try. However, I am left feeling sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. Is this something that you could discuss on your show, please?
Jane: Gladly!
Myisha: Yeah. So you're on Feeld!
Jane: I have a lot of thoughts.
Myisha: Yeah, you're on Feeld! You're no stranger to like, navigating desires in real time with partners.
Jane: I think. Yeah, I've had a lot of partners. I've been married a couple of times. I've had too many, a bunch! I've had plenty, plenty of partners. I think when it comes to kinky stuff, if you're trying to approach that with a person you've been with for a long time, like it really needs to be something that you bring up like in kind of in the moment, not scaring somebody with something. But when you're in this passionate situation you are making out or you're you're naked and touching each other all over, you could say, I got us a butt plug. I don't know how much I can say on this show?
Myisha: You can say anything! And if it elicits a laughter like that from me, then it's even better.
Jane: But I think that that's the, I think, you know, you should have the conversation, which it sounds like this person has already had the conversation with their spouse about their interests, but then making it like putting it into action in the bedroom, I think the best way to do it is to like, take the thinking out of it for the other person? Like, don't make them plan. Don't make them do the emotional labor of this thing that you are the one who wants, you're the one who wants it. So do all of the emotional labor, do all of the physical labor that it takes to like, get your dream scenario. And in the moment, and also, consent is key, as we know, if if she says no, in that moment, fine! But like, take all of the struggle out of it, please just like, have a nightstand drawer with your dream setup in it. And at the height of whatever you're doing, you can be like, what if we tried this other thing? What if I? Would you mind if I like tried some Japanese rope play for a second? I don't really know how to tie knots. I've never owned a boat, but I would like to try. That's my advice.
Myisha: Willing to learn.
Jane: Yeah!
Myisha: Yeah. Well, we don't know, actually, if this person has talked about their desire for kinkier sex, it just, you know, kind of is stated that they want to explore and they know that the wife was raised fairly conservatively. So maybe -
Jane: Those are some of the kinkiest people on Earth by the way.
Myisha: I mean, yes, yes.
Jane: Like, that's, I mean, tap into that and you know, you don't know what's going to happen.
Myisha: I know if we've got some Catholic schoolgirl fantasy that can come out, then that's easy roleplay, etcetera.
Jane: Yes. Yeah.
Myisha: Yeah. I mean, there are, there are conversations that I think would be helpful for, for this couple to have. Whenever I'm coaching clients about talking to their partners about their desires generally, like, you have to come with an enthusiasm for what it is. You can't come to it with, like, I know you don't want to do this and like I feel really bad asking for it and it makes me feel weird to even bring it up, right?
Jane: Don't hedge it. The reason I'm thinking of this thing is because I'm so attracted to you, and this would fulfill, I have so many fantasies about you. And I want to fulfill some of my fantasies about you.
Myisha: Yes, exactly. That place of positive enthusiasm for sharing an experience. And unlocking something for the two of you, I think would be really, really great. So it's also a turn on, you know, talking about your turn ons with your partner is a turn on! And that's what a lot of people forget and even miss out on in the early stages of dating by not disclosing like, hey, I have this fantasy or hey, I'm thinking about this. And then there's like a window of time it seems for people when that is okay, and then they close it and then they never talk about their desires again. So they forget that that is like kindling for sexual energy.
Jane: Absolutely and years can go by. Years can go by and you don't remind each other about you know, like I've dated all sorts of folks, pansexual person here, and usually when I start dating someone they want to hear about all my story, you know, my like tales of romps, my romps. And then we end up in a relationship and it kind of goes away as a like, as a like horny maker. But it's important to keep that alive. It's also important to be kind of selfish. Not in a, again, not in like a nonconsent way, but be selfish in your horniness. Like feel it inside of your body like I have to. I just need you in handcuffs for like 30 seconds. You know, babe, I just need like, please, please, please, please. I love you. I love you. Let me lock you up for 30 seconds. And then I'll stop and then we're done. And then and then that's fun!
Myisha: It can be a cute like playful thing as well. Yes. Yeah. And when you said selfish, I was thinking about another way that this person could address this if say, they bring this to their partner and they're enthusiastic about it, they might even bring it up in the moment and say, like, I have this butt plug, wanna stick it inside me, okay? Maybe that person is not into it at all. This is still something that you can explore on your own. You know, so I don't want to take that away. I think when people think about like, kink, they are thinking about it in relationship to another person, but kinky people are kinky in a lot of different ways. They're kinky with themselves in solo sex. They're kinky in their fantasy worlds in terms of what they're exploring through porn, or, you know, written media or even like, the things that they're watching generally that's not porn, but it has like spicy elements to it. So there's a way that you can tap into this and work with that energy, even if your partner is not on board with engaging with that with you.
Jane: And I think that when you do that, your partner gets more turned on.
Myisha: I think being a happier person, because you get to indulge in what you like, does make you happier as a partner. Yeah.
Jane: Yeah.
Myisha: I just have a quick like, bonus question. Has there ever been something that you learned about yourself mid relationship, or kind of deep into a relationship that you had to reveal to a partner and it was positively received? Like, were you like, hey, I'm kind of thinking about exploring XYZ and your partner was like, yeah, I'm game! Let's do it!
Jane: No, well, I'm probably the wrong person to ask that question to because I've been wildly myself since I started having sex. Like very casual and open and fun. And just like, where's this gonna go today? It's more, I've actually had the opposite happen. I have not been the one bringing the ideas like, because I'll do whatever. An old partner of mine was um, had experience with, like, female ejaculation. Like the splashy kind? And I did not, although I've been successfully masturbating for like, 15 years at that point, I was in my 20s at this point. And he talked about it and I was like, I don't know, like, I don't know if I need to do that. I know, it's, like exciting for you, but I don't, it doesn't come up in my brain naturally. And then,
Myisha: Fast forward.
Jane: Hahaha I was so wrong!
Myisha: You just had to unlock it!
Jane: I had to unlock it. And I trusted him and it went great. And I didn't understand what was happening. And I trusted, you know, trust is the main thing, like someone saying, stay with me in this moment. Hold on a second, I, I'm promising you this is going to be great. And like really, really trusting that person? That's the key to everything.
Myisha: Yeah. And delivering, you know, I think with kink, like, the only thing you have to promise and deliver on is that it's gonna be like a fun weird time. It doesn't mean that you have to go to these like extreme edges, you know? In fact, I think some of the, the kind of best moments of kink are in those like, lighter, strange -
Jane: Vanilla moment. I'm on Feeld now and I would, my complaint about the app is that it, this dating app, is that it um, it skews toward people who aren't willing to be open about their kinks in their day to day, like in their real relationships. And so you often meet people who are married, who are cheating on someone, who have a relationship and they're not comfortable saying what they want. And that is so unsexy to me, like, you know, I'm not the one for that.
Myisha: Sure. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I think what they're trying to do, which is interesting, is provide a safe space for people to, like, have a dating app that supports being transparent. But I think what people have had a hard time grappling with is I can be sexually explicit, like not like, these are all the things I want to do to you, although some of the profiles read like that, but some of them are just like, hear the things I'm interested in —
Jane: You should go through my likes right now.
Myisha: Real time Jane Marie Feeld likes!
Jane: Seriously let's see what happens!
Myisha: Just the top one, what does it read like? I mean, I think it's good for people to kind of understand what, what's going on there.
Jane: Okay, this will be a ping. Probably. Let me see. Opening the app. What's going on? Oh, hello. Oh, I've got 10 pings! Okay, this is crazy. This is a crazy amount of pings. That cost someone a dollar.
Myisha: Nice!
Jane: To ping me. Um, the top one? 37 years old, no, no bio.
Myisha: No bio. Okay.
Jane: Next one. 52, pansexual. Artist, musician, still read books. Hello, there looking for a smart, sexy open partner open to a multitude of sexual turn ons and kinks. GGG, which is a term that Dan Savage came up with which is good, game, uh -
Myisha: Giving.
Jane: Giving! Right good, game, giving. I think that goes with an artist mind and life. Radical subjectivity and empathy. I don't know what radical subjectivity is, but open to lots and large in the right places! Oooh!
Myisha: Confident!
Jane: Do you want me to keep going? It's not that long, but it's -
Myisha: I mean, I think it gives people sort of a taste where like, this is explicit to me, in terms of, hi, here's who I am. Here's what I want. Does this person, this person has a photo?
Jane: So cute.
Myisha: Okay, good! But I think sometimes there's this disconnect with like, I'm being explicit and I'm also, like, uncomfortable with that. So sometimes you get the explicit without the photo, or you get, you know, just the torso, you know, too. And I think that, yeah, we -
Jane: That's one of the things I learned at Tinder is you have to have a face photo, you have to like, outside of that you're only gonna meet weirdos. Like people who swipe right on a torso or like, a far off picture of you surfing or something. Those are don't, you don't want, you want. You want to hook up with actual people.
Myisha: I can't believe I'm going to defend the faceless torso. But I'm going to in that like, there are people for whom privacy is a concern. So the thing that I just advise people to do is like if you, if it's a headless torso, you like what they've got going on, you like what they say about themselves. Just ask for a picture. Right off right up front.
Jane: The good solve for that that I've seen is in their bio, the first line is match and I'll send you my photo.
Myisha: Yes, we need that.
Jane: And that is really nice, it's generous, I feel like for people who are scared to match and I'll tell you more about the person that I did it with recently, his bio did have a thing in it that I did not like. It had an acronym in it that I was like, absolutely not, and I texted him about it before we ever hang hung out in the first place. And he was very kind and very understanding about it. But I was like, this is not, I'm never gonna be this person in your life. Just so you know.
Myisha: Interesting.
Jane: Do you want to know what it was?
Myisha: Yes.
Jane: Do you know what DDLG is?
Myisha: No!
Jane: Gross. It's grossing me out even to say this!
Myisha: Your whole body, yeah, just convulsed a bit.
Jane: It's dom daddy or daddy dom little girl.
Myisha: Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Jane: Like, gross.
Myisha: For you! For you it's a yuck. For him it's a yum.
Jane: Yeah.
Myisha 18:25
I've had clients for whom it's, it's like a double yum. Yeah.
Jane: Woo. Not Me. No, no, I don't want to I said I'm never ever gonna be a little girl ever again in my life, even pretend in the bedroom. I can't go back there.
Myisha: But good for you! See the reason that —
Jane: He was so sweet about it, though. He was like, Oh, I was just listing the things I like. I wasn't saying I don't want to go out with you! I wasn't saying I don't wanna meet you and figure out what you like! I was just saying the things I like! And I was like, okay! So happy that he was honest.
Myisha: No. And that's what I think is. That's that's like, what some apps are missing is that that that interaction is really important by allowing people to be transparent and list a bunch of things and have the conversation you can get to that nuance of, are we the right fit, because some people have very specific kinks. And they're not trying to waste their time with people who don't, will not go there with them, right? But there's this world or universe of kink that there's a lot of subtlety and nuance and you have to have these kinds of conversations to be able to find out if you're a match so -
Jane: If you were gonna get with a kinky person, you need to be able to communicate, that's the number one thing like you are going to have to have, quote unquote, uncomfortable conversations.
Myisha: Yeah.
Jane: If you're not part of that world, or if you haven't explored that already. Your communication is everything like talking about everything and it's sexy like you were saying earlier like just talking about even if you're saying I don't like it, you're still talking about sex, which is really fun.
Myisha: Okay, well, we answered —
Jane: Is this a two hour program by the way?
Myisha: Exactly. I think we could keep going. We listen, we just bonus segment, for those who are thinking about dating kinkally, but I think we also gave our question asker lots to chew on. We're going to take a quick break, but when we come back we're actually going to be hearing from a 51-year-old virgin. Jane's gonna be sticking around for that. So stay close.
[BREAK]
Myisha: All right, we are back. Let's take a listen.
Question 2: I've been thinking a lot about sex lately and it's mostly because it's something I've never had. I'm a 51-year-old woman, and I've never been in a relationship, never been anyone's girlfriend, and I've never really dated. I'm very introverted and I've had feelings of inadequacy my whole life. The few guys I have been really attracted to were either already in a relationship or not interested in me. I'm starting to feel desperate, because I'm afraid that if I don't get a sex life soon, I never will and I don't want to miss out completely. I'm filled with so much regret and shame, and I don't know where to start. I've thought about meeting people through dating apps, but I'm worried about what a potential partner might think, when they find out that I have no experience. I should add that I'm not just interested in sex. I want to find a partner, really, but sometimes I wonder if I should just hire an escort.
Jane: Number one, escorts are great. Go for it. If that's where, where you can get your introduction. Now number two. This. It sounds like this person might be scared off of sex because of the P and V idea of what sex is? Like the penis and vagina sex. That's not what sex is. Sex is like rolling around with another human doing all kinds of stuff. So first of all, you don't have to like have a broken hymen to be a sexual person. Also, I think getting on the apps would be a really great idea for this person and being completely oh my gosh, you would be like fish food to these apps!
Myisha: Maybe in a way that would be overwhelming to them because they're so introverted, though.
Jane: Perhaps, but you get to take your time and figure it out! You know, and it also sounds like she has good taste, because she picks people who are in good relationships, it sounds like. You know what I mean? Like, like, her picker is aligned to people who know how to commit and who, like, are solid folks, right? That that's her attraction is people who are already committed. So that is I take that as a positive, like you can spot marriage material. You know what it is. But it is a, loosening up though is the hard thing. I don't know how to tell someone to do that, do you?
Myisha: Well, I have a couple suggestions because I have worked with people who have had very little to no sexual experience. And so this process of trying to find someone for this explicit purpose, maybe to start or you know, as like, I want to get some experience under my belt and then maybe think about a relationship. Yeah, it's, it's, it's really daunting for them in ways that it's just, it's not for other people. So there's two kinds of approaches that I think could work. One is the like, DGAF, like I'm just in this I don't need to tell anyone what my situation is. Everyone is here for individual reasons. I can have sex with whomever I choose at, you know, putting my sort of standards and measures in place so that I'm finding somebody that I connect with that I trust enough to have you know, physical encounter with. You can go that route! You don't have to disclose that you've never had sex before. Honestly, like not a lot of people are gonna know that. First time having sex with a new person is always a little bit like —
Jane: It always feels like the same time, the first time!
Myisha: Yeah we're getting used to each other, we don't know what each other likes like, there's a learning curve at least there should be you should never just assume that you you know all the same moves from your last relationship are going to work on your new partner etc. So just know that and hear that like once you've made that connection and I love your suggestion Jane Marie, which is don't think about the lack of experience that you have, think about all of the possibilities and don't think of the goal as being I have to have sex tonight. It's I am exploring this connection. I'm exploring new people. I'm learning what I like. I'm learning with these people who I'm connecting with like, and I am collecting some experience along the way.
Jane: And I know very few people who wouldn't be into helping out with that.
Myisha: That's true. Yeah.
Jane: Single people, you know, like, I would have such a blast. Like, let's see what you're into!
Myisha: Exactly. So I mean —
Jane: And being communicative and careful and mindful, and all of that, but I think, yeah, just not feeling the shame around. Because I think they said, shame, in the question, right?
Myisha: Regret and shame.
Jane: Shame and regret, oh, gosh, number one, regret. Waste of time. Because we can't, we don't have time machines. Number two, you can feel you can feel like you want to, like, apologize to someone now, or something, but regretting things from your past? Waste of time. Shame, that's a hard one. That feels ingrained, like something you know, your family gave you about, around your body, or around sex or something like that. So also, I would recommend just going to a therapist that's like, understanding of this. My therapist is like, sex is like one of her areas of interest and focus. So you can see that on her website, if you would look her up, like it says, like sexual health, and, you know, gender identity and all these things. So I would maybe find someone like that to help encourage you, because you may not if you if you use the word shame, you may not be able to speak to your friends and family. Like if you're already feeling shame, but you could find a stranger that you can talk to about this, who can guide you and help you not feel that shame. Because good sex is shameless.
Myisha: Yeah, yeah, I love that recommendation too, to enroll someone to help you and to support you on this journey, because as much as you can devise a plan of okay, I'm not going to take this so seriously, I'm just gonna go out, I'm gonna have fun, I'm gonna see what happens. Emotions are going to be stirred up by the people who you meet, and having a sex therapist who's there to help you process what's happening in real time, as well as tying it back to those feelings of maybe early childhood shame. You know, we've had some really excellent guests who are not sex therapists, but I just wanted to pass along to this listener, some of their words of wisdom. I loved my interview with Brandon Kyle Goodman, where he talks about their experience with body image and just coming to terms with the fact that they're not going to always be everyone's vision of beauty, but the people to whom they are, are the people that they want to fuck with, right? And I loved my conversation with Elle Chase, where she talks about her coaching clients on body image and just basically saying, like, who are you to say who can and cannot be attracted to you? Right?
Jane: Dude, like I just, you just blew my mind, because that's what I say to people when people are insecure around me, I'm like, you don't get to decide what I think is hot! Right?
Myisha: Everybody has a different concept of it. But we're really, really conditioned and impacted by what we think people are searching for, what we think people want, and constantly comparing ourselves to that instead of taking a stance that you know, whatever you want, in this moment, is possible! There's somebody, and multiple somebodies in my opinion, for everybody. No matter how unique you think you are. There's somebody who aligns with that and would appreciate who you are. So, you know, the second approach that I would say is you can be fully transparent. You know, you can be fully transparent on your profile. You could say, I am a 51-year-old virgin I am here looking for sex and possibly a long term relationship, which is basically what you told us that you want
Jane: It was! That's the perfect opening, by the way.
Myisha: I mean, I do this for a living, so.
Jane: I know, but it's perfect! It's perfect!
Myisha: You can just take it!
Jane: That person should just type out! What's the rest of the profile?
Myisha: The rest of the profile is I've really struggled but I'm now really open to the idea of being with another person. Looking for let's see, kind hearted, I think that would be a good you know, phrase to stick in there, kind hearted,
Jane: Serious.
Myisha: Serious, open individuals who want to share time with me. Yeah, I think that'd be like, just an off the cuff, good starter profile. Pop up
Jane: And just a pic of the abs? I'm kidding! It's a woman.
Myisha: Looking for ab pictures! No, I think, you know, a couple pictures of you, one full body shot, one headshot, that's okay. Let's just start small, start with a little like sketch of a profile, see who's interested. So again, you can, you can be a little bit more ambiguous and just keep your goals internal, as you're moving through dating, or you can make them very explicit. And I think either way, you know, it's your choice. But either way, I think you're going to be successful in finding what you want.
Jane: Also, what I want her to know is if you open yourself up that way to the opportunity of finding love, or, or even a physical relationship, you will soften to the idea of someone being someone being attracted to you. Like that can be such a barrier is like your own idea of yourself as attractive or not, or, you know, lust. Like, if no one can lust after you are all those ideas that we kind of are conditioned to think. I think if you open yourself up, you will find that people are more kind, generous, interested. It's there, it's not all bad guys out there is what I'm saying. There's very, very sweet people who are in your same position or understand what you're going through, and you won't meet them if you don't try.
Myisha: Yes. And I'm also thinking about. Thank you for saying that, because I'm also thinking about clients that I've had, who are maybe just as nervous starting dating again, because they've had a divorce, and they haven't had sex in 10 years! And for them, it's like having sex for the very first time. They feel very vulnerable. They feel very shameful. They feel a lot of regret of what have I been doing the last 10 years. I'm out of practice. I don't know what I'm doing, who's going to want me, all of these things that you're grappling with that feel so unique, are not as unique as you think. There's a lot of people that are going out there and dating with the same kind of feelings, and if you identify them, people can go hey, that's me. Yeah, we can take our time like we can really build up to this, great. Yeah, yeah.
Jane: For the most part when it comes to sex, people are kind of understanding. We hear the bad stories! We hear the bad stories from our parents, grandparents, family, friends, whatever. You don't hear, like what I told you at the beginning of this episode, like I said I got laid last night. We don't tell each other that. So there's so much of that out there. Like just very kind, sweet people that want to snuggle.
Myisha: And the world could use a lot more snuggling. All right, well, we've got one more question. And it's kind of related. We're going to be hearing from someone who is going through a divorce.
Question 3: After 24 years with the same partner exclusively. I'm staring into the giant maw of divorce. And I find myself late at night and early in the morning wondering what life will ever look like to find somebody who I trust enough to engage in deep and meaningful sexual connection with. I'm not a one night stand kind of a girl. So yeah, it's maybe a question for the ages. I don't know, but that's my question.
Myisha: Is there sex after divorce?
Jane: Absolutely.
Myisha: You're proof of that yeah?
Jane: Yeah, I've been divorced twice!
Myisha: Keep having sex!
Jane: And I just had sex yesterday! With someone who was not either of my ex husbands! Um first, I want to compliment this person because that's a long marriage where you, it sounds like you had a good sex life. Or you know what a good sex life looks like.
Myisha: Potentially.
Jane: Potentially, right! Like you feel like, I need intimacy and I'm, you know, you're you understand a little bit of your needs. And give yourself time, just give yourself a little grace. You don't have to, if you're like super horny, again get on the apps, but if you're trepidatious about any of this, like just put it on hold for a minute like it absolutely. Also divorcees, like people go nuts for divorcees, I'll tell ya. Yeah, people are very attracted to divorcees because they feel a lessening of the pressure on themselves. For them. This is what I've experienced anyway, is when people find out I'm divorced or twice divorced, they feel like oh, she and I, like, I don't want to do that again. They're like, oh, cool. We can just relax and be ourselves, like this, this woman has done the white dress thing. We're not, that's not where we're headed. Also, if she's been married for 24 years, I'd imagine she's approaching perimenopause. At the youngest, she could be 42. So that's coming right up. That's also a very sexy time. It's the worst time for you.
Myisha: Tell me more. Tell me more. Yeah.
Jane: You get on these great hormones that bring you back to life. Like it is fabulous. The I'm on testosterone now. Teeny bit every day! Testosterone, estrogen, progesterone. And I can't get pregnant, that I'm not doing unprotected sex, but the other person who wants to have sex with me, them understanding that there's just literally no chance is so hot. It's like so fun!
Myisha: I think we could end there just because I want this person to feel how excited you genuinely are for them. And really reframe this for them as a completely new, amazing time to explore sex.
Jane: Yeah, an opportunity.
Myisha: An opportunity that could look and feel very, very different. But in very, very good ways. I think that's great. Yes. Amazing! So yes, there's sex after divorce. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Jane: Plenty. Too much sometimes.
Myisha: You're gonna be swatting them off! Jane, this has been so great. Before we go, I would love for you to tell people where to find you. Online. In person. What do you do and where can people find ya?
Jane: Happy to talk about what I'm doing! I am old like our last caller and I have the same internet social media handle everywhere because I got it 15 years ago. It's @seejanemarie. S like Sam, E-E Jane Marie. I have a new show out, Dear Jane Marie, where my friends come into my studio and we answer questions. Some of them about sex, some of them about radon mines. Yeah, it runs the gamut. And I also am producing a show called Finally! A Show About Women That Isn't Just a Thinly Veiled Aspirational Nightmare. So check that out.
Myisha: Amazing. Well, thanks again Jane Marie! Really appreciate having you here today.
Jane: My absolute pleasure. This was great.
Myisha: That's it for this episode. We're taking a couple weeks off for spring break, but we'll be back with brand new episodes. Until then, be sure to listen to some of our past episodes, check out my book about dating, This is Supposed to be Fun, and catch up on what I've been writing about in my Real Love column for Time. And if you want advice about your love life you can always reach out to us at sex life at KCRW dot org. See you soon!
Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was mixed by Phil Richards. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to the San Francisco Podcast Studio, Little Everywhere, Katie Gilchrist, Arnie Seipel, and Jennifer Ferro. And as always, thank you to our amazing voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.
Voice actor 1: I'm Andrew Burton. Thanks for listening.
Voice actor 2: This is Mia Fernandez. Follow the show and share this episode with a friend.