Coming and Going

Myisha Battle: From KCRW it's How's Your Sex Life? Welcome back. It's me, Myisha Battle, your host. Sometimes we get questions that all seem to just fit together. So for this episode, we're going to talk about one of the main elements when we think about sex, and that's orgasms. Who's coming, how, when, and what happens when the focus changes. And our first question comes from someone who just can't stop thinking about their ex. So as you're listening know that we use voice actors, that means everybody's kept anonymous.

Question #1: Hey, Myisha, how can I stop thinking about my ex to cum? I'm so tired of only being able to cum while thinking about my fucking ex. It's awful.

Myisha Battle: So something about me is that I have a roster of exes that I can call upon for sexual release, shall we say, and I'm fine with that. I do not think that it is terrible to think about an ex in order to achieve sexual pleasure. It's not them. It's the experience you shared with them. It is like your body having a memory of something that gave it its most supreme pleasure. And there are stand ins for this, there are archetypes that we use, and so your ex might be this archetype of like, this supreme lover that you had in your life. And it helps you to create a connection to sensation that then gets translated by your body to arousal, and then orgasm. So you're thinking about your ex, yes, but you're not really thinking about your ex. That's the first piece that I want to talk about. Your ex is a stand in for the pleasure that you received, during whatever session you're fantasizing about, or the pleasure you received, even with them, you know, holding your hand or going to brunch with you, or moments of intimacy can also be these memories that get embedded in our bodies, and are safe for us to go to. Now, you're really frustrated that this is happening and unfortunately, that's keeping you in the loop of this memory. Unfortunately. It's a little bit of a Catch 22, but if you allow yourself to derive pleasure from this experience, it will fade over time. It will fade over time, regardless of whether or not you're holding on to it, but the more you're holding on to the thought that you don't like it, the harder it is for you to be able to let it go. So, something that you can do as a practice is redirection during these times when you think about your ex. So, say you're in a masturbation sesh, your ex pops into your head. You acknowledge them, you thank them for showing up because they're this memory of some sexual or erotic experience that you had that made you feel really good. So you're like, 'okay, cool, you're here. Awesome. I don't need you anymore.' So we're going to replace you with and then think of somebody else that either you're currently attracted to, or a more recent partner or a fictional partner, whatever the case may be, you want to have a gentle relationship with this experience. Not a, 'I don't want to be having this experience, please make it stop,' and then you can't make it stop. So then you're reliant on this image or experience or memory, and then you orgasm, and then you feel bad about it. And listen, I've been there, but that's why I know that this process works. So my homework for this question asker is to try this, I would call it a mindful practice of masturbation and awareness of when their ex shows up, try this once over the course of the next week and definitely let me know how it goes. 

Myisha Battle: Okay, moving on. It can be really hard to ask for what you want during sex, but communicating your needs and desires is so important and it's something that I work with my clients on all the time. Our next listener is working on that.

Question #2: I understand that for the majority of women orgasm does not occur during intercourse but through the massaging of the clitoris. I have orgasms alone with a vibrator often. So I know that I'm capable. I'm working on how to communicate what feels good to my partner, though. I don't currently have one now. Is the most opportune time to explain what I like during sex or in discussions before. Also, I don't like it very much when my partners always ask 'did you orgasm?' It really ticks me off, like somehow I failed or he failed, or what just happened was lame. I detest that question. Is it necessary? Can I request that this not be a point of our encounter?

Myisha Battle: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I love this question or set of questions because there's so much in there about you, and what makes sex good for you. And I love when that's the focus of a question. So, I am someone who believes that communication about sex should happen early and often. It can happen on a first date, if you plan to hook up with someone, before you have sex with them. You might say, 'hey, like I love a lot of clitoral stimulation,' or 'I need a lot of clitoral stimulation.' I think that is 100% fair to say before engaging in any shared activity. And I also think that it's fair to say that you would like to not have the focus be on your orgasm, you know, saying something like, listen, I may or may not cum, that's not why I'm here. I am here to have a fun time with you. If you cum great, I'm not gonna, you know, be keeping score here. This is not the point of this for me. And just letting people know that that's what you're here for. That's what you're available for. And that's the time, that's the way that you want to share your time with them. So, I have had clients who have been really surprised by how it can transform their experience to say on the outset exactly what they want and what they need, especially when they've done the work like you have. So you know that for your body clitoral stimulation is great. You know that for your body, you're able to achieve orgasm through that means. That's amazing. And essentially, when you give that person, that information about yourself, you're helping them to create the best possible experience. So, yes, definitely say this before you have sex, I think that's a fantastic time to open this conversation. The other thing that I think it does is it sets the tone that you are a person who wants to talk about sex very, very early in whatever the relationship is, if it's a long term hookup thing, you know, friends with benefits, etc. Long term partnership. This is something that's a priority to you, and that you're open to, and you want to explore all the possibilities for pleasure within the experiences that you have with your partners. So, kudos to you for doing the work of learning what it is that you like, and I want to send all the positive vibes towards you to, you know, be brave and say the things that you want, because you absolutely deserve them. 

Myisha Battle: We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, we'll be hearing from a couple who's been struggling with erectile dysfunction for over a decade. You guys this is our first question about erectile dysfunction, but I guarantee you it will not be our last. If you've been listening and want to submit your own question, shoot us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org.

[BREAK]

Myisha Battle: We're back. As I mentioned, we're going to be talking about erectile dysfunction. And as I say that I realized that a lot of people listening have either first hand experience with ED or have been with a partner who's experienced ED. It's really, really common and it's something that affects a lot of penis havers as they get older. For folks with partners with ED, it can be challenging on a lot of levels not just physically but also emotionally. You know, how do you talk about this when there's no roadmap and how do you work through it when it's just such a point of pride right that we we think that penis havers are supposed to be rock hard at all times when it comes to sex, and that's just not the case. So let's give a listen to what this question asker has to say.

Question #3: My husband and I have been dealing with the challenges of erectile dysfunction for almost a decade. We use medication and sexual aids. As a result, though, he's very performance oriented. He feels that he must make me climax with the same intensity as he does. What can a couple do when a partner lacks sexual confidence and becomes solely fixated on making their partner climax as a measure of their self esteem?

Myisha Battle: Yeah, this is really tough. Obviously, there are whole industries that have popped up to support men who have this experience. And I think the flip side of that is that we don't really get into the minutiae of why this happens, and how this can be a natural function of aging, and how it can be a gift to a relationship to have the focus shift away from penetrative sex to things that are more sensual, more loving, to some degree. And I think that this intensity that can come from having the experience, maybe your whole life of reliable erections, and then having that taken away, or perceived to be taken away from you can result in these feelings of unworthiness, to sex with a partner, unworthiness to have an experience that isn't focused on that aspect of your body, that part of your body. So I think that it's really important to talk to your partner about how his focus on this one piece of your sexual connection with each other is getting in the way of you both fully exploring what sex can be in this phase of your life. There's a lot of people on this planet who do not have penetrative sex, or they have penetrative sex using different things than a penis. And there are so many people who have realized in older age that they need more resources, more support, and more work arounds than they did when they were younger. I think that this is, since you've been dealing with this for 10 years, this has got to be exhausting for both of you. And a little help might take the edge off. I know that you've looked into these medications, and perhaps even you know, cock rings or other types of aids, but what about just scrapping the focus on the penis altogether. And that's not to say that he can't have a really fun time, and even experience orgasm, because, believe it or not, ejaculation does not equal orgasm. Ejaculation is a bodily function that does accompany orgasm sometimes, but it doesn't have to. There are many people who practice certain types of meditations where they're able to orgasm without any stimulation at all. They're able to orgasm through breath work, and experience a deeper level of connection to their sexual selves and maybe even a partner than they would have if they had a rockhard penis that was ejaculating into a vagina. You know? There's just so much to explore beyond this, and the fact that your husband is hung up on this is clearly impacting your experience of sex as well. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some, you know, borderline unhealthy cycles that you're in when it comes to, you know, having sex be initiated in the relationship and like having to negotiate all these things that are going on because he's so driven to have penetrative sex and make you orgasm through that process. When you know, just the world is your oyster and there's so many things that you can both do to make each other feel amazing that don't center the penis.

Myisha Battle: As we're wrapping up, something that I want us all to think about is how sex can be constantly new to us all the time. New partners, new experiences, because of life changes, life stages. You know, I think we don't give enough credit to our hormones and how they impact our experience of sex. And boy, do those shifts as you develop and we just don't think about it. I mean, I think we have an image of like a horny teen, a kind of like, sad parent with no libido, and then like our stereotype of older people is that they just don't have sex. But I hope as you're listening to the show, you hear that no, like, as we get older, we can still have new experiences, we can still be new to ourselves and to our partners. And it can also help us take the pressure off of ourselves as we're connecting, you know, whatever stage we're in, in life, to realize that each time you're meeting somebody new and having sex with them, that is a new experience, that is a new person, and you will be new with them, you will be new to them. You might have to explain certain things about yourself and your pleasure and your desire to them. You can't assume that somebody is just going to come to a situation with a playbook. And I think that's actually what makes a lot of sex dissatisfying is that we don't acknowledge how new it is, and how special that time can be to just kind of be curious, and open, and allow ourselves to explore. And that's actually what sexual desire loves. It's a very curious energy. It's a very, like, if I had to categorize it, I guess it's kind of this young like, energy and sometimes I tell my clients that they really need to put on a more student mindset. Because if you go into sex thinking that you already know at all, you're not allowing yourself to learn, to grow, and to discover things that could actually help you to reach your goals to take your sex life to a whole new level. So that's my advice to you, dear listener, keep a student mindset. Stay curious, stay open, and be available for the possibilities of your sex life. That's it for our show today. If you have a question about sex or dating, shoot us an email at sex life at kcrw dot org. Be sure to give us a little background info or even send us a voice memo. That email address again, is sex life at kcrw dot org. You can also find me on socials at myishabattle. That's M-Y-I-S-H-A B-A-T-T-L-E. Until next time, take care, stay open and enjoy the process. 

[CREDITS] 

How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. Our engineer is Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Nathalie Hill, Megan Ellingboe, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And a huge shout out to our voice actors: Danielle Chiriguayo, Connie Alvarez and Mia Fernandez.