How Do I Get Over My Ex? full transcript

Myisha Battle: When we're talking about casual dating, I mean, I've done so much casual dating and and I'm better for it, you know, because I love a story.

Brandon Kyle Goodman: I love a story! I will stick around for a story!

[MUSIC]

Myisha: Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of KCRW's How's Your Sex Life Podcast. I'm Myisha Battle. Today I'm joined by actor and writer Brandon Kyle Goodman. Brandon is known for their work on the hit Netflix animated series Big Mouth, which is very fun. They also host a really fun series on Instagram called Messy Mondays, which we love, where they talk about sex, identity, relationships, and all the messy ways we all relate to each other. So excited to have you, Brandon.

Brandon: I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

Myisha: My pleasure. Before we get into some advice.

Brandon: Yeah

Myisha: I want to ask you

Brandon: Yes.

Myisha: How's your sex life?

Brandon: Fabulous

Myisha: Fabulous! Didn't even have to think about it.

Brandon: Oh, it's you know, it's always evolving. And I think it's, I think it's fabulous, because I have stopped shaming myself and putting expectations on what it should look like.

Myisha: Yeah.

Brandon: And I'm allowing it to be what it is. And sometimes there are periods of time where I feel super sexual and other times where I don't and I think it's still beautiful. And I still have ownership over my sexuality, which I always differentiate sexuality and sexual orientation, but like I have ownership over it no matter what, whether I'm actually having sex with someone or myself or not. So it's fabulous.

Myisha: This season, I've been interviewing and speaking with a lot of people who have a really robust sexual life that is not necessarily having a lot of sex.

Brandon: Yes!

Myisha: And I want people to hear that.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: And I want people to know that because I think there are a lot of assumptions that people might have about you. And they see, you know, that you have Messy Mondays, and that you, you know, you're married, and you probably are having a lot of sex.

Brandon: Every day, all day.

Myisha: Yeah, every second of the day!

Brandon: All I'm doing is just taking dick and giving dick and it's like, no, I have to walk the dog at some point babe. I've gotta work I've gotta make money.

Myisha: Right, right!

Brandon: Yeah! So it is about like, how do you redefine sex? And I think we've all been raised with this understanding that sex is penetration and that's kind of it, and really understanding that it's much more than that. It's about your soul, your spirit, your mind, your heart, that you don't have to be penetrated or penetrate anyone and can still have a robust and beautiful sex life. And I've really wanted to commit to that for myself and to sharing with others redefine what that looks like for you.

Myisha: Yes! Thank you for sharing that.

Brandon: Yeah of course!

Myisha: Amazing. Yes. Fabulous sex life doesn't have to be sex every day.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: Okay, you put a call out to your followers, actually, just through Messy Monday.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: And sometimes you get some questions, so we're actually going to address a couple of them today. Are you ready to help some people out?

Brandon: I'm always ready to help people out.

Myisha: Okay, let's listen to the first question. And just a reminder to our listeners, the questions you'll be hearing are read by voice actors, not the question askers.

Question 1: Do you have any tips on casual dating?

Brandon: Any tips on casual dating? For me, my tip is…my tip!

Myisha: Give them your tip!

Brandon: Haha give them the tip, baby! You know, I think it's taking pressure off of yourself and having fun. I think we get into expectations really quickly, like casual dating can become serious for people because it's like, well, am I gonna marry this person, are we gonna have kids, are we're gonna live together? And that's too soon. Like, for casual dating like really it's about your experience and also helping the other person having a great experience. It doesn't mean that we have to be together forever. We could have one night together. Some of my favorite stories are where people have met somebody in a foreign country and had a fabulous night or weekend together and that was it! You know like that to me is the joy of casual dating, that it's just experiences and being able to be intimate with another human and learn from them and grow with them. Even if it's just that one night. It doesn't have to be like, 'Oh my God, we connected and now you have to have my baby.' No babe like like, chill, release those expectations, those societal expectations and just enjoy. Follow the pleasure.

Myisha: Mhm we can be the babies for a minute.

Brandon: Yes, we are the babies! We're the babies. We don't need to have one! Yeah!

Myisha: The only thing that I can add to this is that I wrote a whole damn book about this.

Brandon: Yes, so you know!

Myisha: So if people want to read about the pros and cons. The thing is, is that I think casual relationships are everywhere in pop culture.

Brandon: Yeah.

Myisha: So much so that I think people feel like maybe that is what I should do.

Brandon: Sure! Yes.

Myisha: Okay, so I want to just kind of interrogate this person's motivation for the casual like maybe they are at a point where they've given it a lot of thought and they're like, yeah, okay, I'm done with like chasing after my baby daddy, baby mama situation. I'm really just here to have fun. My book is literally called “This Is Supposed to Be Fun” so.

Brandon: I love that!

Myisha: Yeah! And the subtitle is how to find joy in hooking up, settling down and everything in between. So fully fully relating to your idea of it is about the experiences, but it's also about interrogating why you want those experiences.

Brandon: Sure!

Myisha: A lot of my clients who are dating are like, I don't have a lot of sexual experience and I don't want to go to my grave saying I didn't try.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: Right? So that's a huge motivating factor and how you date, you know, is a direct response to that motivation.

Brandon: Right.

Myisha: So yeah, I'd be curious to hear what this person is really after, but I know that if their intention is really rooted that they're going to have some really fun experiences.

Brandon: Well what you just said also made me think that it's, well, two things. One, in your casual dating communication's everything, and like it's better to over communicate than under communicate.

Myisha: Thank you!

Brandon: And if somebody can't handle your communication, like, then they're not a match, and that's okay they're not that person. But like, over communicate for your safety and their safety. And then also for casual dating, leaving room for failure. What you just said like about like never wanting to go to your grave without trying, it's like, yeah, and in the trying, you might fail at this a couple times. And that's okay. It's not a reflection of you or your worth. It just might mean that like a couple, like, you have to find your match and that's okay. So like leaving space and grace for failure inside of casual dating, I think is important.

Myisha: Yes. Which brings me to another thing that I would love to hear your thoughts on.

Brandon: Yeah, please!

Myisha: A lot of my clients because they are, I typically attract very “Type A” people. And they're very much in their head, they're very much about self improvement.

Brandon: Yes.

Myisha: So much to the point where there may be, it's to their detriment.

Brandon: It's too much, yes.

Myisha: Like, they want to be the perfect person before they put themselves out there. They don't want the mess so much. They want to have a seamless experience, because they think once they've like cleaned up their side of the street that like they can just keep it clean, and nobody else's trash is gonna, like, blow over to their side. And they have to, like, pick it up or deal with it or be like, kick it over and be like, 'No, that's your trash, like, get back over there. I don't want that! Or this is your dog poop, like, clean it up!' So, you know, that's a big phenomenon that I think when we're talking about casual dating, I mean, I've done so much casual dating and I'm better for it, you know, because I love a story.

Brandon: I love a story! I will stick around for a story!
Myisha: I know it's bad! I've gotten myself into trouble, but at the same time, like I've actually been able to, like, tell those stories and...

Brandon: And learn from them!

Myisha: And yeah, so yeah, what's your thought about like, we are living in these times of like, self actualization and you have to, even if it's like, a casual endeavor, like you have to, like have read all the books about, you know, non monogamy and you have to, like know all the rules and everything before you put yourself out there. I think there's a lot of pressure to like, do it right.

Brandon: Yeah, I mean, I would say and I would say it plainly because I feel like sometimes I was in when an acting school and have a teacher that say maybe you just need permission to know like you already know this, but maybe you need permission. So you already know this, but let me give you permission to not be perfect, right? That you just like, let me say that directly. You are not perfect, nobody's perfect. You can't create a perfect experience. So the sooner you can put that down, the better. And you kind of have to jump in and let it be messy. I think that's why I call the thing Messy Mondays, because there's no way around it and there's no blueprint for everyone to figure out how to put down the perfectionism as somebody who is a recovering perfectionist, it takes time, and it takes fucking up and it takes you know, just like saying this feels uncomfortable, but I'm gonna try it anyway. And processing and having your community to process with whether it's your therapist, or your friends, or family. But like, I think having people to process it with and hearing other people's stories as well helps mitigate the shame that you might carry inside of that perfectionism. But it is like ripping the band aid off and just saying, I'm going for the experience. I just said that to a best friend of mine. I was like you can, he's you know was debating about going on a trip to meet somebody or not. And I said, hey, like, you can just like make it an experience instead of putting the expectations of like, I'm gonna meet this person and is it going to be the best or the worst, go in it as an experience, your personal experience. So no matter what happens, you'll you'll keep your side of the street clean, right? They might mess it up too, but like, you'll communicate, you'll set your boundaries, your expectations, all that and then go forth and have an experience. I think that's all we can really do.

Myisha: I agree.

Brandon: Yeah.

Myisha: Thank you for that.
Brandon: Of course.

Myisha: Amazing. So to this, this question asker there's a lot to think about and there's a lot of personal interrogation for this person to do first and then...

Brandon: And then jump in!

Myisha: Yes, send Brandon an update!

Brandon: Yes!

Myisha: Send us an update!

Brandon: Yes!

Myisha: I want to hear! Okay, here's another question from your audience.

Brandon: Yeah, please!

Question 2: How do I get over my ex? It's been six months and she's still got me in a chokehold.

Brandon: Oh, this is a common question.

Myisha: Very.

Brandon: Exes are hard.

Myisha: So hard.

Brandon: Especially if you feel like they are, they were the one right? Or the love of your life. I think one of the most important things is to be easy and gentle. That the feelings are gonna change and shift and grow and then sometimes you're going to feel extreme sadness. And sometimes you're going to forget about it. And like all of those feelings are valid. And to not ignore them, not push through them, but to move through them, right to let them kind of be. And then I had a mentor who said, if you're your own parent, how would you take care of yourself? And so I think, when you are dealing with grief, which a breakup is grief, how can you take care of the little you, right? The little version of you, how can you protect that person? Or how can you pour into that person? So maybe like, today, we're ordering a bunch of chocolate chip cookies and that's what we're doing. And we're sitting on the couch, and we're watching our favorite shows, you know, I'm watching Traders right now, I don't know anyone else who's watching Traders, but it's fabulous. You know maybe it's let me just like call my bestest friends and like, have them come over to my place and just like, let's vent for a little bit, you know like, what are the ways that you can take care of yourself? And it's day by day. Stop looking to be healed, right? Like, don't be looking to be over it, just move through it. And then you will one day look up and time heals, you know, so with time you'll look up and be like, oh, I got through that, but don't try and fix it today. It's not gonna get fixed today.

Myisha: It's true. And that was like the last thing that I wanted people to tell me when I was going through the worst breakup of my life.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: There's a lesson here, you're gonna get through it. Your feelings will change and all of those things are true! So I just want to empathize with this person who is like, I mean, when they describe their ex having a literal chokehold on them, I just feel that so much because, you know, in the wake of a breakup, there's so much to deal with, right? It's like, it's not just that person is physically gone, but you have a thought about them, and you can't text them.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: You have things that are in common that you don't get to share anymore.

Brandon: Yes.

Myisha: So that that feeling of loss is really, really strong in the first months of separation. The other thing I think about that happens to me personally, I call it psychic stickiness. So it's not just, it's a weird thing that I get really, historically, I have been really enmeshed in partners, to my detriment, and that means that like, I even, like, you know, if I'm looking at their social media, I'm like, feeling what they feel or like, going through things that are not really my place to go through with them. And so...

Brandon: Is that empathy? Or is that like a deeper?

Myisha: I think it's an empathic connection with people that I tend to, tend to have and it's something I've had to like work to consciously strip down.

Brandon: Yeah.

Myisha: Or just be like, I'm not doing that, or I'm gonna hold what's mine. So I've actually recommended on the show cord cutting rituals.

Brandon: Tell me about that.

Myisha: Cord cutting is where you envision the other person. And you, you envision that imaginary string that maybe connects your hearts, maybe connects your stomach, wherever. This person has it, has them on their neck.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: So you might want to like envision like a collar or something that's like on your neck and it connects to this other person. What you can do is start to, and it's a meditative practice where you, you know, kind of pull on whatever rope or twine or chain is connecting you and find a place that you feel comfortable cutting it in this kind of spiritual plane. And then little by little, you start pulling back your piece of it. You know?

Brandon: I love that! I just love the idea of any kind of ritual. Like, it's not that that will immediately cure it, but that there is an activity to really. 'Cuz listen our relationships good or bad like they do teach us something and at one point there was love there. That's why we stayed in it for as long as we did and so can you still honor whatever that is by closing that chapter and a cord cutting sounds like a wonderful ritual to close the chapter. Or we're lighting a candle or we're burning something like what is.

Myisha: Yes oh I've burned lots of things! Lots of names!

Brandon: Or take a bat and beating something up like whatever it is you know, don't get in trouble! But like, like, what is the physical thing that you can do to close the chapter a little bit I think is so beautiful.

Myisha: Yes! Yeah and you get to own the story a little bit more than…

Brandon: Take back your power.

Myisha: Yeah, than, you know, this person left me. That's a terrible story to tell yourself, you know, because with hindsight, you will realize all the things that weren't working for you.

Brandon: Yes.

Myisha: It's just harder to see in the moment.

Brandon: When you're in it you just like, you have all the pieces you can't see it and that's why time right? You really do, it sucks, but like time is what what will allow the healing because you need distance, you need space. And so it's like, what can you do with those immediate first months or that first year or two? And I think it's it's community. I think it's…

Myisha: Yes!

Brandon: Chocolate chip cookies. I think it's trash television and being as gentle with yourself as possible.

Myisha: All those things got me through.

Brandon: Yes!

Myisha: So, I agree. Yeah, okay, we're gonna take a quick break! But Brandon, are you going to stick with me to finish answering some questions?

Brandon: I would love to, of course I'm here!

Myisha: Amazing, amazing.

[BREAK]

Myisha: We're back! Okay, I think we have one more question and this comes from one of our listeners. Oh my god I love it!

Question 3: Hey Myisha, I'm a 39 year old cis woman on the asexuality spectrum. I've been in one long term relationship with a cishet man that ended in 2012. I had a couple of sexual encounters before meeting that partner that were one time only and mostly for validation. Since that time, I've done a lot of self reflection. I don't drink anymore, I have a much better understanding of my mental health struggles, and give or take a drunken makeout or two, I have not engaged in any potential dating activities since 2012. I've had two crushes both on cishet men. Both were unrequited. One went on just long enough to make me miserable. The other just happened so I'm still nursing a bruised ego, but otherwise, pretty much over it. We really weren't likely to be a match. So all this to say my questions around dating and sex are all a version of how? And why? and could I even? Everything listed above is a very understandable red flag for a potential partner, my age and resume gap included. I also don't consider myself to be conventionally physically attractive. There has been plenty of feedback throughout my life to confirm this. I know that physical attractiveness is subjective, but it does feel relevant, especially since I'm grey ace. Mutual attraction has been such an elusive concept for me for most of my life. Help!

Myisha: So there's a lot there! There's a lot there. Any immediate reactions?

Brandon: Yeah, a few. One is to acknowledge that this is challenging for you. I can only imagine the heaviness that you carry around in how you see yourself and view yourself and how people have affirmed or not affirmed you. And so I just want to like, honor, the courage to still have hope for yourself to write in to say, this is what I'm up against, but I still see sex for myself, and I still see pleasure for myself, I just, I've just needed some guidance. So I just want to hold that for a beat. This is a lot and challenging. And we got you. And so I'm grateful. Because what I always say is like if one person is wrestling with it, a lot of people are wrestling with it.

Myisha: That's right.

Brandon: This is, this is a lot of people's stories and feelings. So I want to just hold that space.

Myisha: Mhm.

Brandon: For me, it's like there are a lot of tapes that are clearly being played that have to get interrupted. Tapes about sexual orientation, tapes about attractiveness, tapes about worth and also like, 'Am I doing things right? Am I not doing it right? Is what I want right or not right?' We have to put a little bit of a magnifying glass on that. The short answer is anything that you desire, as long as it's not hurting yourself or others, is valid. If that's what you that's how you want to operate, as long as you're not hurting yourself or anybody else, it is perfectly valid and normal and fabulous, and wonderful. And so you should pursue that. You should pursue pleasure. If it feels good, if the person feels good, if you feel good in the moment, like being aware of that stuff. And if it doesn't pivot! There's a reason a car has a steering wheel as they say, right? It's not for you to just go into a wall, U- turn! Give yourself the power. I feel like I'm going to use this example as like actors. I always tell actors, you have autonomy as well when you go into an audition, it's not just 'Pick me, pick me, pick me.' And sometimes in dating, that's what we do 'pick me, pick me!' No, no, no baby, like, you also have to pick. You also have power and I think there's a balance and sometimes the balance is too much on the outside of us. And so how can you bring that balance back to yourself? I'm of power, I get to choose how I want to have sex, how I want to proceed. So that's, that's, that's one side of the table. If you could see me, I'm moving my hands.

Myisha: There's a lot of gesticulation.

Brandon: There's a lot of gesticulation happening cuz I'm trying to show this is really divided up and then there's the self love and self worth. And that piece is harder. And I know that firsthand, you know, as somebody who really struggled in my dark skin, in my non binary identity, and like, you know, the body dysmorphia of it all. I grew up having gynecomastia, which is when the body produces extra estrogen and so I had what we'll just settle as man boobs, but just like little breasts that I ended up having surgery for, I'm very open about this, but there was a lot growing up with a lot of not seeing myself in beauty. And I'm not gonna lie, it was a, it was a massive journey that included a therapist, couple therapists to find the right one. It included affirmations, it included meditation, it also included me interrogating what I was exposing myself to. If I am exposing myself to visuals of white men, muscled body white men as the pinnacle of beauty, guess who's gonna get left out of that? Dark skin me, right? So I had to really start to broaden what I thought beauty was. And so it really meant, and I say this on social media, you might gotta unfollow a lot of people. Like who are you following? What shows are you watching? What books are you reading? Are the characters and the people that you're interacting with, do they reflect you? Or are you always the side character in that thing? Are you always the punch line in that thing? You have to readjust that, because as as little as we give thought to what we watch, it is everything. It's just everything. Like, if you are watching a show after show where like the protagonist, and the person who is sought after and who wins is a white man, you're going to internalize that no matter what. And so you I think interrogating where are you finding beauty and who are you defining as beautiful, and that is uncomfortable at first. Because you're relearning a tape, right? You've learned that things that look like this, people who look like that it's a skinny white woman. It's a muscled white man, and they're cis and they're hetero, like, we've learned that that is beauty. And so it's up to us who are who do not fit into that box to then explore and expose ourselves to other versions of beauty. There are so many different bodied people that I follow who are stunning and you can't tell me otherwise. But that took work to find them and to find them standing in their own power to inspire me to stand in my own power. So that's, that's, that's a first approach is find those people, they are out there, who are standing in their power, who resemble what your experience is and latch on to them, honestly, like latch onto them. Use them as their lifeline. Watch how they hold themselves, until you can feel like you can hold yourself in that same way. It's a really long answer, but that's what I got for right now.

Myisha: I'm gonna make it longer.

Brandon: Yes, beautiful! Let's go. Let's fucking go!

Myisha: Because there's so much in here! There's so much in here. And I just want to thank you so much for sharing what you've gone through that pertains to and relates to what this person is experiencing to you. Because, you know, like we said, before we were actually rolling, when you talk to people, you find more commonality. You start to, you know, there's just there's always more stuff.

Brandon: Everybody got a story. We all going through it.

Myisha: Everybody's got a story and that's something too actually that I would love this question asker to hear is that when you come from this place of lack, then it automatically feels like everybody else has it figured out.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: And when you are sitting at brunch, and your friends are gab gab gabbing away about 'Oh, you know, all the sex that I had over the weekend dah dah dah, and I'm dating this guy and that girl and blah, blah, blah,' you know and that's not your experience, that's also a point of disconnection.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: So what I recommend to my clients who do identify on the ace spectrum is finding community that's like you because then you can start having productive conversations.

Brandon: Yes!

Myisha: Then you can start saying the things that are true for you and have that validated back because someone else has had a similar experience and you can find those people online too, but I think this person needs to be in group situations. Maybe a virtual group if you know, I don't know where this person lives, you know, there may not be an asexuality group that meets near them, but if there is, I think it's really good to be in community with people who have a similar experience to you.

Brandon: Absolutely.

Myisha: And you can talk about what dating is like for them! Because it does look different.

Brandon: It does and you want to you want that validated!

Myisha: Yes, another thing too, is that a place for you that you might find comfort is a place like Feeld, a place like Her, where these are dating apps that kind of allow people to self identify in these ways, and it's not a big hassle. It's just like, I'm asexual.

Brandon: Yes yes!

Myisha: This is what I got going on! And you will find that other people are like, 'Hey, me, too, or my last partner was ace, and I fully understand that. And, you know, to be honest, like, I don't really connect, but honestly, you know, I could see dating you and maybe having my sexual needs met in other ways.' Like, there are a lot of different ways to engage with people who are meeting you where you're at, you know, but I think that this person has to come to a place where they're accepting who they are and what they have to offer, because you do have something to offer. That's another thing that I heard coming through in the beginning was all these red flags, right? That's what they said their gaps in their resume were, but to me that's just life, that's just dating!

Brandon: That's your life. That's your experience! Yeah!

Myisha: So I've worked with clients who hadn't dated or had sex for over a decade. And you know, they were doing other shit! It's not like they weren't being a human out in the world, and having experiences and learning and growing. Our priorities shift and change, so for instance one client that I had became a single mom by choice and ended up high up fucking executive in an international corporation, okay so she was doing things!

Brandon: She was doing things!

Myisha: I'm not trying to compare this person and say, like, you have to, you know, prove that, but I'm saying that that client also had the same kind of feelings of who's gonna want me.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: You know, no matter, it's just, it's such a weird segue. I'm like, I can clearly see why you were busy, you know, raising a child by yourself and climbing the corporate ladder as a Black woman. Okay?

Brandon: Wow, wow, wow!

Myisha: Wow, wow, wow right!? We should be in awe.

Brandon: Yes, I am!

Myisha: And no matter where this person is, you know, whether they've the last 10 years just taken time to figure themselves out. Wow, wow, wow!

Brandon: Yeah

Myisha: Thank you for doing that.

Brandon: Absolutely

Myisha: Thank you for doing that work. That's what's going to make you a better partner.

Brandon: Yeah, I would also like to say this person, deeply, you are beautiful. You are gorgeous. And that's not just about whatever our conventional beauty types are, right? Because beauty is just like I said sex is more than just about penetration, beauty is more than just about like your waist size, right? Beauty is about who you are, how you show up, how you love, how you give, how you receive. The fact that you have the awareness, to write this out and send this into us and to like, to me is a reflection of the beautiful person you are. You're somebody who is self aware, who is trying to evolve and expand and grow and get to a side of healing. And so I want you to hear that you are beautiful. And so let's interrupt that, that tape immediately. Let's lay that down. And so if you've got to look at yourself in the mirror 10 times a day and say 'I am beautiful,' do it until you feel it, whatever that is, but like, start to interrupt. It's going to be uncomfortable, but start to interrupt, every time you hear yourself say I'm not beautiful, I'm not worthy, I'm not pretty. Replace it. I am beautiful, I am worthy. I am enough. You have to. If one version can be true, the other can be true. So if it's true that you can live in this place of lack, it's also true you can live in the space of abundance, but you're just not used to it. And so you're going to have to start being intentional about moving towards abundance. Moving towards the idea that how you love, how you fuck, how you don't fuck, whatever it is, is valid and beautiful. So I just want to leave that with you.

Myisha: Well, I want to thank this question asker.

Brandon: Yeah, thank you!

Myisha: Yeah, this was really great. All right, well, I have no more questions, but a fun game.

Brandon: A fun game! I love games.

Myisha: Yes! I love that you create a space for the messy because as you know we can all be messy every single one of us. And sometimes we should celebrate that.

Brandon: I think all the time. Messy, never sloppy! There's a difference! I've been both!

Myisha: I'm gonna give you some messy scenarios. And you tell me which one you'd rather put up with.

Brandon: All right!

Myisha: Would you rather be with someone who wanted to have sex all the time, but only had sex one very specific way? Or go six months between having sex, but it was wild?

Brandon: Yeah, I would say six months. I'm very particular about energy and vibes. And if it's like, one way, I would get bored. And every day? Like my hole needs a break, oh my god, like I can't. Like, you know listen when I was in my early 20s, every day babe, but you know there are bills there are things like I'm tired I gotta catch up on the Housewives, like, not every day babe, relax! So give me every six months and we'll we'll do like all day! We'll do like a morning till night, but every six months and make it wild.

Myisha: You're willing to wait.

Brandon: I'm willing to wait! I am I, to me, it is quality over quantity. It's, you know, sex is energy. And when I have sex, I like to really be there with the person or the persons. You know, like really, like, engage, and it's intimate. And so it's a lot of energy to expel. And I can't do that every day. And I can't do it as like a, in a way that doesn't feel pleasurable, so yeah, how bout you?

Myisha: I have had partners in the past where it's like, it's just always it needs to be the same thing. And I'm, I'm thinking that it had something to do with their sign.

Brandon: Possibly!

Myisha: Yeah, it was just kind of yeah, boring and routine.

Brandon: Yeah.

Myisha: It wasn't the frequency that really got me. It was the same, same, same, same, same same

Brandon: Yeah and sex is supposed to be play time! It's supposed to be fun! And like, some days, you wanna play with your dolls and sometimes you wanna be on the monkey bars. So like, to me it's the same thing. Like, we should be switching this up and that it feels mutual.

Myisha: Yeah.

Brandon: The one way feels like it's very much done for that person.

Myisha: Right.

Brandon: And I'm not involved. And it's like, if I'm here too then like, it's gotta be fluid.

Myisha: It's got to be a collaborative effort!

Brandon: Yes! It's a group project babe!

Myisha: Mhm, so tell me would you rather date someone who's a bad kisser?

Brandon: Aha, no.

Myisha: Or who had such a full bush that going down on them

Brandon: Full bush.

Myisha: Became a...

Brandon: Full bush.
Myisha: A real hairy situation!

Brandon: Full bush. I will pick, I will pick it out my teeth. I will have a floss and a toothpick at the bottom. Yeah, bad kisser I can't. It's for me…I can't! Or I have to like train you like I just kissing to me is like, it tells me everything I need to know about the experience I'm gonna have. Like to me somebody who, in my experience and there's an exception to every rule, but a really good kisser also eats ass well. You know, like, they know how to use their mouth in other ways. And I think the kissing personally, like I could just, kissing could be enough. Like, if the kissing is like, correct it can be enough to like, get me off. So if it's not good, then it stresses me out. So yeah, the bush!

Myisha: I'm just gonna let you in that like, these two things are things that I see a lot in my practice.

Brandon: Bad kissing and a lot of bush.

Myisha: Yeah, recently I had someone say how do I give this feedback?

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: About...

Brandon: I love hair!

Myisha: Like I respect it but...

Brandon: Yeah, yeah!

Myisha: But my suggestion was like, well, this is like a practical

Brandon: When it hinders. Yes.

Myisha: It's causing you to have like, take you out of the moment.

Brandon: Yeah!

Myisha: You know? And then can we have a conversation about trim? Like we don't need a shave! We don't need a closely shorn.

Brandon: Yes, yeah.

Myisha: But we need a little maintenance to make this experience mutually exciting.

Brandon: I think that that's fair because I love hair, no hair, I love it all. But I do think that sometimes with hair and I have to be cognizant of this myself it can get to a point where oh, you might just need to like a little a little scape so that we make it easier for the person so that they're not choking on hair and you know dick so yeah, I think a trim conversation but yeah, I would definitely choose the bush over the bad kissing.

Myisha: Okay, I've got one last one.

Brandon: Oh, okay beautiful!

Myisha: Would you rather have to hide a part of yourself in front of your partner's parents or have to not acknowledge a partner in public if they're with their primary partner?

Brandon: Oh okay.

Myisha: So then in the last instance this is in an open, you know, ethical non monogamous situation, but they've let you know, "Hey, if I see you out, I can't acknowledge you. That's one of our rules."

Brandon: I think I would rather that over the parent because I understand rules and like what makes, you know, especially if you're in like an ethical non monogamous situation, I understand we're doing whatever makes people comfortable, and that those things can evolve. And so it doesn't feel so much like I'm being hidden so much as it like, we're protecting your relationship and my relationship with you. Whereas the hiding me or piece of me from your parent feels a lot more personal. And feels like there's an embarrassment about me or a shame about me. And so I would prefer the don't acknowledge me in public with a partner. Like that's a clear rule. We can even make that a little sexy! We're both strangers.

Myisha: Wink wink!

Brandon: Absolutely! But the parent thing feels a little more icky for me.

Myisha: Yeah, I hate both.

Brandon: I hate both, yeah, yeah!

Myisha: But that's the point of this game!

Brandon: Yes! Would you rather!

Myisha: Well, thank you for being such a good sport. Before we go, where can people find you either in the virtual world or in real life if you're doing anything live?

Brandon: Oh my goodness. You can find me on Instagram at Brandon Kyle Goodman and that'll take you literally to everywhere that I am on the internet and in person? You know, I'm in my solitude phase so I'm at home resting and relaxing but…

Myisha: You will not find Brandon!

Brandon: You will not find me in person! If you do, you know, wave and keep walking cuz I'm in my solitude mode, but hopefully this spring and summer I'll be back out hitting hitting stages.

Myisha: Amazing. We are looking forward to that.

Brandon: Thank you.

Myisha: Yeah!

[MUSIC]

Myisha: That's it for today. Thanks for listening. If you want advice about anything that's going on in your love life, send an email or voice memo to sex life at kcrw dot org. Again, that email is sex life at kcrw dot org.

[CREDITS]

Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was recorded by Hope Brush and mixed by Nick Lampone. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Sue Margulies, Arielle Torrez, Malorie McCall, Adam Serrano, Connie Alvarez, Arnie Seipel and Jennifer Ferro. And last but not least, a huge thanks to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

Voice actor 1: This is Bennett Purser. Thanks for listening!

Voice actor 2: I'm Marque Greene. Follow the show so you never miss an episode.

Voice actor 3: This is Gina Delvac. Share this episode with a friend!