Are My Sexual Fantasies Misogynistic? full transcript

Myisha: I have a really good friend who many years ago said if I date queer women, I'm in a queer relationship, like, that makes me part of the community. I'm not just an ally.

Diosa: That's a conversation my partner and I have been having as well. He kind of had that moment of like, well I'm not queer, but we're not in a straight relationship, so what does that mean? And so I think then you're confronting how fluid sexuality really can be.

[MUSIC]

Myisha: Hi! Welcome back to another episode of KCRW's How's Your Sex Life. I'm your host Myisha Battle. I'm here today with Diosa Femme. Diosa is the co-host of the hit podcast Locatora Radio, where she breaks down moments in pop culture, feminism and sexual wellness. Diosa, thanks for being here!

Diosa: Thank you for having me! I'm so excited.

Myisha: Yeah, I'm excited too! We are going to get into some questions, but before we do that, I have a question for you.

Diosa: Okay.

Myisha: How's your sex life?

Diosa: It's great.

Myisha: Oh, good!

Diosa: But there's a but.

Myisha: Okay! What's the but?

Diosa: It's a work in progress.

Myisha: Okay. Well, aren't we all?

Diosa: We're all a work in progress. Yes, but I think that's the area of my life where I'm like, okay, this is great, but it can be better.

Myisha: Oh, so you want to like, you have stretch goals?

Diosa: Yes.

Myisha: Okay! Do you mind sharing what the areas of opportunity are for you? Or what you see them as at this moment?

Diosa: Right now I think it's the quantity could be more.

Myisha: Okay!

Diosa: I think it's something that my partner and I both want. And the quality is good. The quality is great, but the quantity could be more.

Myisha: This is something that a lot of our listeners struggle with. Yeah, you know, finding the time. We have busy lives. So have your partner and you talked about strategies for increasing frequency?

Diosa: We're just we're just starting, we're just approaching that conversation, but I would say that's really something that I'm like really thinking about this year.

Myisha: Okay New Year's resolution in action!

Diosa: Yes, something like that!

Myisha: All right, well, that's amazing, it's really good to hear that you're in a good place. And that you also see that there's like, more that you can explore. We love that here. So you put a call out to your followers. And we also were, you know, welcoming all questions from our listeners. So we have a few that came through on your side that we want to dive right into. Let's go ahead and get into the first question. And just a reminder to our listeners, the questions that you'll be hearing are read by voice actors, not the question askers.

Question 1: How do you nurture your bisexuality when you are in a seemingly straight passing relationship?

Myisha: This is an excellent question.

Diosa: That's a great question, because as a fellow bisexual, I think about that all the time.

Myisha: Are you in a straight seeming?

Diosa: I married a hetero, a cis hetero man! So I did the thing, right? And yeah, I constantly think about that. So when I got this question from a listener, I thought, yes, we can definitely talk about this.

Myisha: Yeah, so how do you personally reconcile this in your partnership? Is it something that comes up often? Is it something where you think about maybe opening the relationship or having some kind of arrangement? Or is it more subtle than that? Just acknowledging who you are in the relationship?

Diosa: Yeah, you know, I think for me, I very much try to find a sense of belonging, you know, before, you know, in relationships with queer women, my past relationships, I didn't feel I needed to prove anything. I was who I was, it was a part of me, it was authentically me. And I would show up the way I showed up! And whether that was at queer spaces, queer parties, or non queer related things I showed up as my full self. Now it feels like something kind of compartmentalized to other people. And to me, it's still present and it's how I move through the world. It's how I view my relationships with others, my friendships, having like queer friendships as well, but it's more now I think, finding my sense of belonging within the community. I'm very, you know, I don't think or I don't, I'll speak for just myself, I don't want to be the person that brings their straight partner around, you know, so it's like, okay, there are things that we can do separately, and this is going to be one of those things. It's not necessarily it doesn't mean that I'm going to be out here playing. And I'm not which I could right but that's not what I'm getting at. It's that I can be in these spaces by myself with my friends and find that sense of belonging for me and I think it's one of those things where you have to get it outside of the relationship. And I think that's for anything. You know, there's your one, if you're in a monogamous romantic relationship with someone, they're never going to fulfill all of your needs. So you have to go find them somewhere else.

Myisha: I agree. I think community is a really great place to start. I don't know, the age range of the person who's asking, but I do know that for, like, older queers, like I think there's more of an emphasis now on queer spaces hosting, like a monthly party. I have not yet been to one of these parties. Maybe because of the Sunday I actually have like, very busy Sundays for some reason. But no, I know the reason I go to therapy, I have groups. A lot of self care that happens on Sunday. But yeah, it's it was cool to see like, oh, there's like places that I can go. And actually, there's a really cool space that I just got a an honorary membership to in SF called the academy and they are like a queer community organization. So I'm really happy that I, you know, have this membership to the academy. Are there spaces here in LA that you would recommend people check out?

Diosa: Yeah, I think they're there. I mean, there are lots of parties, but the two that I can recommend, one is Cumbiaton, and it's hosted by DJ Sizzle, a longtime friend, she's been doing this party for seven years now. And it's a queer, undocuqueer party, they throw parties all over LA, they've been doing it for a long time. It's like specifically made for queer, trans, Latine undocumented folks, but it's like a space for all folks in the queer and trans community. So that would be one. The other one is a newer party, and it's called Preciosa night, and it's hosted by these two gorgeous queer women, there are a couple and they have been taking this party on the road as well. So they've been going, they were just in San Francisco, they were in Texas, they're going across the country, but their home base is LA. And I think they have parties in Long Beach as well.

Myisha: Amazing. Any other thoughts about like, I don't know, like, how to make the relationship more queer?

Diosa: Oh, that's good. That's a good question!

Myisha: Or more bi?

Diosa: Yeah! Well, for my relationship, you know, it's, it's kind of a no, no brainer, right? Like, if I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man that didn't see me fully or respect my identity. And so for us, we have a very playful relationship and he's constantly sending me like queer memes, bisexual memes, or if there's songs where there's referencing, like a lesbian relationship, or a kiss or something, he'll send it to me and or he'll be like, that's your song. He'll say things like that and I feel like he's kind of trying to hype me up in that way, like where he sees me, but he respects like, that's not where he can really identify or understand. But he sees that that's a part of my identity and who I am, and really respects my friend time. I think, for this person, asking, you know, does your partner respect the queer outings, the queer friendships? Are they fostering that for you? Are they encouraging it? I think that's one way to kind of integrate that into the relationship.

Myisha: And it sounds like a lot of affirming, you know, so it's not just like recognizing, but it's also just affirming. I see you, I know that you would like this. This reminded me of you. Yeah, I think that's great. I think those are really amazing ways to queer the relationship.

Diosa: Yeah. What do you think? What would you add?

Myisha: Yeah, no, I mean, I think these are all, these are all true for me as well. I think that it's, it's so important for me to feel like my partner sees all of me. I think it's only like, fairly recently that I've decided or kind of like, like, bi never really resonated for me, but pan does and so it's been kind of this journey of being like, can I even own this when I have a straight seeming relationship? That, you know, I'm not looking outside for other partners, you know, what I mean? Like it just so yeah, I think like, for me, it's been a, an exercise in finding community, sharing my story. And also, like, owning that, those queer spaces that I was in before I even kind of landed on an identity where like, my, my safe spaces, you know, absolutely. So recognizing that that's important for me to always, like, find and prioritize and social media is great for that, you know, so yeah find your people.

Diosa: Yeah, and I think maybe I know, this is a sex advice podcast, but for this person, you know, removing the sex from the sexuality, you know, like removing the act of having sex with another person from the identity. Like the queer identity is not just about who you sleep with.

Myisha: Right.

Diosa: And I think that's something that we all need to remember. It's political. It's how we view each other, how we form community, how we form families, it's it goes beyond just who we're sleeping with.

Myisha: Right and that's really helpful for people who are, like, questioning in that space of questioning, because so many times I went out into queer places and was like, confronted by a lot of gatekeeping, you know, and so let's stop that. Because there's, there's only benefit in widening the pool of what we see as this community, which is very wide, which is very diverse, which changes! Also, you know, I have a really good friend who many years ago said, if I date queer women, I'm in a queer relationship, like, that makes me part of the community. I'm not just an ally.

Diosa: That's a conversation my partner and I have been having as well, he kind of had that moment of like, why I'm not queer, but we're not in a straight relationship, so what does that mean? And so I think, then you're confronting how fluid sexuality really can be.

Myisha: Right. Yeah, if you fall in love with someone who has this identity, then you are you are kind of privy to this world. And in order to even reach deeper levels of intimacy, you kind of have to explore that world with them to a certain degree, you know, so that makes you a little queer!

Diosa: I agree. I agree.

Myisha: So maybe that's a fun conversation, too, for this question. Asker to have with their partner too. Like, hey, this isn't just me and my experience, but it's us and like, who we are, and potentially how we're gonna raise our kids. You know what I mean? Like, that's, that's a piece

Diosa: That's so true.

Myisha: That, you know, a lot of people have to think about so yeah! Okay, we've got another question coming up. Let's hear what they have to say.

Question 2: Hey Myisha! So I consider myself to be a feminist woman, but so many of the things that turn me on feel deeply misogynistic. I often feel guilty for liking really dominant partners. I feel like I'm playing into some patriarchal idea of how women are supposed to be meek and submissive. But the truth is that I enjoy sex and role playing most in an extremely submissive role. How do I reconcile these two things?

Diosa: Wow. I love this question!

Myisha: Me too! Yeah, singing my life with her song basically.

Diosa: Wow yeah.

Myisha: Do you want to start?

Diosa: I'm just processing how to unpack. There's so much to unpack. I mean, and I mean this in the best way, right? There's so much to unpack. I think that when we are when we feel safe enough in relationships, we can be submissive, we can let our guard down. I don't think it's inherently anti feminist or against, like feminist values to, to want that, I think quite the opposite, that you're creating this foundation of consent, of respect, of communication with this partner, this sexual partner, romantic partner, so I that's what I think.

Myisha: Yeah, absolutely. I studied abroad in Amsterdam, and I studied sex and gender there. And I remember writing a paper about female submission, and whether or not it was feminist. So in researching that, I mean, there's a lot in, like past generations of feminism, that would say that this is reproducing kind of an extreme form of these societal roles that women are expected to play. So if you're submissive to a man, it's just kind of catering to his desires, but what we know in sex research is that submission and domination are, they're not necessarily mapped on to like, I'm a dominant person in real life, and therefore I'm going to dominate everybody in my sexual life as well. Or I'm just this meek, submissive person, and therefore I am always submissive and meek in the bedroom. Sometimes that is the case, but what's great about sexuality is that there's a lot of variability with this. And for people who have like really, like extreme sexual dominant personas, they might be people who don't have a lot of power in their day to day lives. Likewise, I see a lot of women in my practice, who are, you know, extremely successful, very independent, do not need to rely on a man for shit and they want to be thrown around, tossed around, held down, spanked, slapped, choked, gagged, all the things, you know, and it freaks them out! You know, they're like, wait, I am taking care of business in my real life, but the beauty of sexuality is it can be this place of release and relief from the trappings of everyday life. So I want to offer that to this question asker because it may be that your sense of play is involved in you letting go, and not having to be in control. And that number one shows that you do have a lot of trust, to your point Diosa, like building that with someone can allow you to be submissive with them. And those are the kinds of environments that I think it feels really fruitful, you know, to experiment with these dynamics of power. And what I also want to offer is that, like, people think that subs are just like lying ther and it's a very active role, especially if, I mean, this person even said, like, roleplay, so there may be a character that they like to embody. That takes creative energy. If there's like equipment that you're using in the scene that takes like resources and thinking, oh, how do I want this? So it's, there's, there's more of an active role. And in a lot of BDSM, circles, the idea is that the sub is kind of in control of the scene.

Diosa: Right.

Myisha: The the parameters of the scene are set by the boundaries of the submissive, and the dominant has to, you know, enact certain things, but they are typically within like, a set rule of this is what I want, this is how much, these are my limits and I'll let you know, as the sub, if you've gone too far. So as long as this person is, you know, exploring safely, I think they can totally take that pressure of this being anti-feminist off of themselves. What do you think?

Diosa: I agree completely. I agree. Like, there's so much in the trust. And it's so funny, because what you described of like the subs doing of getting resources and creating. They're project managing, like, that's what they're doing, like the sub is a project manager. So, yes, I think that I agree with you, there's this maybe notion that the sub is just laying there is like really passive, but the sub is not passive. They're actually very present. Like you said, they're, the ones may be crafting, what's going to happen tonight, or what's going to happen this during this encounter, so there's no passivity at all. And there's a lot of control if done, you know, safely.

Myisha: Yeah, I'm thinking about some of my clients. And I'm like, the subs are like doing dishes and rubbing feet. And, you know, there's like, a lot going on. But, but the relief, again, I want to go back to that the relief, the release, and the joy that comes from not having to make decisions in the moment. That's what we're really trying to get at here. It's not you have power over me. It's that like, I get this benefit from not having to think about what it is. You want me to do your dishes? I'll go do your dishes. Cool. What else? You know?

Diosa: Yeah.

Myisha: You want me to wear a certain thing? You want me to be in this position? Great. That's what I wanted. That's how I plan to spend my day actually, you know, so that's, that's the kind of thing that I want us to just start thinking more about and less about the, you know, is this reinforcing typical gender roles, because I think, I don't know this, if somebody out there listening has the research on this, but like, I think even in matriarchal societies, we would still see sexual power play.

Diosa: Yeah.

Myisha: I think we would.

Diosa: I think we would too.

Myisha: You know, I think if the tables were turned, we would still, you know, see it. I'm thinking in Barbie's world what would that look like?

Diosa: Ohhh, what would that look like?

Myisha: I mean, she is kind of Ken's dom.

Diosa: Yeah, she is! You're right. She runs the show. Yeah.

Myisha: All right. So I think we've, I think we've given this person a little permission to just like, enjoy being a sub. Love it!

Diosa: Do it!

Myisha: Yeah. Okay! We're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back we are going to hear a question from somebody who thinks porn is gross, but they want to learn some things about sex that they don't already know.

[BREAK]

Myisha: And we are back! Diosa, this came from one of your followers on Instagram. Let's take a listen.

Question 3: What's a good way to learn new bedroom skills without watching porn? It grosses me out, but I am familiar with Erika Lust. Do you have any suggestions?

Myisha: I love that they know about Erika Lust. I mean, that's really good porn to start with.

Diosa: Yeah I mean the I think watching, I don't know, because this this person is on the one hand saying they don't really like watching porn. It's it's not appealing to them, but my question, my follow up question for them would be are you watching the right kind of porn? You know? Are you watching feminist porn? Are you watching like ethically made porn by sex workers? You know? That's that would be my follow up question for them. We don't know, but I wonder if that's part of it? Because yes, I've definitely watched porn where I'm like, this is not, this is made for straight men and this is not for me. I don't find anything enjoyable about this. But then you find, you know, like the Erika Lust of the world, where you're like, okay, maybe this is this is a little more enjoyable.

Myisha: Yeah, yeah, I definitely think that like visual media is such a great way to take in inspiration. But not everybody learns that way.

Diosa: Yeah.

Myisha: Right? Not everybody's a visual learner. So what I would recommend is that this person maybe takes the visual element out and explores audio erotica. So Dipsea is an app that offers erotic storytelling and just that in and of itself, I mean, I've had clients who have listened to Dipsea, and they get ideas about how they want their partner to talk to them to turn them on. So that's not a sex act, per se. I mean, it kind of is, dirty talk, but it's like, they find themselves drawn to certain characters, or they find themselves drawn to certain scenarios, and they're like, there's something about this, and we have to drill down and interrogate like, what is it that keeps you coming back to these types of stories, and that is really good information. Those are good nuggets to be able to tell a partner afterwards, like, you know, don't come up and ask me point blank if I want to have sex, like, you know, tease me a little bit, or, you know, hint at it. And, you know, sometimes people will have a hard time pinpointing those things for themselves, but when they hear it, they're like, oh, that's hot. Like that is fucking hot and that is what I want! So that's something that I can recommend. I also have a lot of clients who love reading erotica.

Diosa: Yes!

Myisha: Okay, are you somebody who likes to read?

Diosa: Yes, I am and I also love romance novels. But hearing what you're saying about the audio and the visual, it made me think of this trend on TikTok. I think it was last year, maybe two years ago, but it was specifically on like BookTok, so like the book community on TikTok, and there were women that were recreating, like the door scene where the partner is like standing over, and like caressing you, like the way it would look on a romance novel. And the girls, the women would completely melt. As soon as their partner would reenact this scene, they would just melt and they were giggling, and they were laughing, they would start kissing. It was just I think just that, that playfulness and trying something new. And then they would post it on Tik Tok. And people were recreating and it was so adorable. But I think it also goes back to what you're saying of taking these books, this audio, this visual and applying it to your own life, and how you can maybe learn something new with your partner, or with the person that you're sleeping with.

Myisha: Yeah, no, I mean, I think that, in the last like 10 years, there's just been such an explosion of media that is more geared towards women. And even making content from that standpoint, is a revolution in and of itself. Whether that's a visual medium, or its audio erotica, obviously, this question asker has a lot of places that they can now explore. But they really were looking for some kind of like how to use to skill build when it came to sex. So any thoughts there?

Diosa: I mean, my first, my gut reaction is to say have more sex. Have more sex with, I don't know their situation, but like maybe different people you know, so that they can learn from others and build that skill set. Because when you are with the same person, you you kind of get into a routine and you know what to expect. If that's the case switch it up like I think that the onus should be on both of the people involved if it's like a two way sexual relationship right? I think that the onus should be on both of them to see how to excite change the relationship, bring, bring new things, it shouldn't just be on the one person and I think talk to people like talk to your friends! Like are your are your friends having good sex, you know? Are they, do they have full sex lives? You know? And can you get tips from them? There's also like card decks.

Myisha: Yeah!

Diosa: Like games that you can play. I have a deck of cards where there's just different positions. Now, some of them are wild and you're like, probably not going to want to try them, but some of them like you might surprise yourself and like, you might see it and think there's no way I'm going to enjoy this. And then you try it. And it's actually quite enjoyable. So I would say like, don't rule anything out. Yeah. You never know, unless you try it.

Myisha: It's true. And also exploring yourself because sometimes that can be the jumping off point to like, Oh, I just discovered a really fun thing about my body and how it works. And like, is there a toy for that? Is there a sexual position that will help me get to that place a little easier, you know, with a partner? So yeah, I mean, there's a lot that can be learned just from the in the moment exchange of sex. And I know, some people are going to be like, well, yeah, that's all well and good but I have to, like, go out and find partners. And it's true. Yes, you do. And just remember, your number is just a number, doesn't define you and you can have the experience of growth and development as you're sort of like learning and meeting new people along the way. And that's, that's really the fun of having sex with people! So yes, fully, fully support just having more sex by yourself, with other people, with your partner with the intention of like bringing in new things.

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Myisha: So you're no stranger to talking about pop culture, of course. And so I wanted to ask you some questions about current dating and sex trends. And yeah, just pick, pick your brain and see what you think about some of these things.

Diosa: Let's do it.

Myisha: What do you think about breadcrumbing?

Diosa: Breadcrumbing. Oh! I just learned about this the other day, but I'm blanking. Remind me what that is?

Myisha: So breadcrumbing is like you maybe go on a couple dates with somebody or you meet them, and then they fall off, and they still follow you. They like your photos. They heart your stories, like they're in your digital world, but they're not in your physical world anymore.

Diosa: Yes, anymore. Okay. Yes, I did see a post about this last week about breadcrumbing. And I realized that there was a time in my early 20s where I was doing that.

Myisha: Mmm!

Diosa: I know.

Myisha: No, we're all guilty!

Diosa: Yeah.

Myisha: It's fine.

Diosa: But when I saw the term, I thought, wow, okay. I didn't realize I was doing that, now seeing, looking back. I'm so sorry I did that, but yeah, I think, you know, I think the breadcrumbing is, it depends what you're looking for, from that person. Like, is it someone that you're trying to date? Is this someone that you're trying to be in a relationship with? Then if that's the case, then no, we don't take breadcrumbing. We want someone that's going to be present, that's going to be engaged in our lives, that wants to be fully present in all the things. The day to day, the actual life, not just the digital life, right? And I think when there's, we find people that were maybe kind of interested in dating, and they're kind of doing that bread crumbing we kind of allow it, I think we do, because we're trying to see where this could go. So I really think it depends on who is doing it. If it's someone that you see potential in, like, you don't want to take that from them. You don't want to take that from anyone. But if it's someone you're kind of maybe playing along with, because maybe you're getting something out of it, whether that be fun, play, whatever, sex, you know, then maybe that's okay. That's, that's what you're gonna get, but you have to be aware and be okay with that. That's what I think.

Myisha: I agree. I agree. I think that like breadcrumbing feels good, because somebody that you, you know, think is attractive is paying you attention, and that it's nice. You know, like who would say no to that?

Diosa: Yeah.

Myisha: But at the same time, you have to be aware of what your goals are in this scenario. If it's just to like, feel good, then, you know, it's fine. But don't maybe hold this person to the standard of, you know, they're capable of so much more if only time, time, time or whatever.

Diosa. No.

Myisha: Move it on.

Diosa: Agree.

Myisha: Yeah. Moving it on. Well, similarly, what do you think about situationships? So the kind of in between phase where things aren't defined in a relationship yet?

Diosa: Yeah, I think that's so, it's very similar. You know, it really depends on I think, honest communication. I think sometimes we can find ourselves being okay with the situation ship because we're hoping that it will get to the relationship. But was the other person honest about where they were at or have they been stringing you along the whole time? I think those distinctions are really important, because if they're stringing you along, then no, we have to get out of the situationship and end it clean. I'm very much about a clean break. I'm a no exes or friends type of person.

Myisha: What's your sign?

Diosa: I'm a Libra.

Myisha: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Diosa: Yeah, I know. And oh, going back, yes! And then I think if you are, this person has been honest about where they're at what they can offer that they don't want a relationship, this is all they can give you right now, and you still choose to be in it? Well, then that's the choice that you made and you have to decide when you're ready to walk away from it or not. But a very, I think it's very situation based, you know.

Myisha: As it says.

Diosa: As it says, yeah, case by case.

Myisha: Awesome. Do you know about soaking?

Diosa: Nuh uh.

Myisha: Okay, I have this on my list.

Diosa: What is soaking?!

Myisha: I have this on my list because I want to know what you thought about this trend and it kind of popped up in like, it was I guess, exposed as something that was fairly common in Mormon communities.

Diosa: Okay.

Myisha: Where there's a lot of pressure to not have premarital sex. So soaking is the act of like, a guy putting his penis in a vagina, but not moving it! Just soaking it in for a little bit.

Diosa: What!?

Myisha: So that the parties involved can maintain that they have not had sex before marriage.

Diosa: Wow.

Myisha: What do you think of that?

Diosa: You know, I think that Catholic school girls have, we've been doing that, you know what I mean? Like the Catholic girls, the Catholic, Catholic young women that were told to abstain, abstain, abstain, were kind of doing a variation of that.

Myisha: Okay, okay.

Diosa: You know, so that's not.

Myisha: Also anal.

Diosa: Right, right. Yes!

Myisha: I don't know why I whispered that. Also anal! I'm gonna say it proudly!

Diosa: Because I said, Catholic, you freaked out! You're like, wait! Um, wow. I mean, that's kind of shocking to me, in the sense that at that point, you should just, I think you should just have sex, you know, it's okay to thrust! Just do it! Right? Like, really please. I mean you're in there, you know, but I think, you know, speaking of like, thinking about, you know, I went to Catholic school, that's why I said it, and I was raised Catholic and so I think we find ways to engage in sex or sexual behavior, because we're sexual beings. And so we try to find a workaround. And so it's not that surprising that soaking is the thing, in the same way that you know, we were taught to not have premarital sex, but we were finding other things to do. You know, we weren't technically having intercourse, but we were doing other things. And so it's, I think it's just, it's been done and I think it speaks more to the culture of repression, you know? Maybe being sex negative, being raised in a sex negative environment? Not to say all religions are like that, but just in my experience, you know, when you're taught that sex is something that you have to wait for, it's something that you save for somebody, it can create this really, you know, negative effect in your life. And yeah, I think just have sex at that point. Jesus! Soaking?!

Myisha: I'm so happy I threw that in there. Um, what do you think about this trend that is kind of going on on TikTok of stay at home girlfriends? Do you have thoughts?

Diosa: You know, we actually talked about this on an episode of our podcast, Locatora Radio, because we have been seeing this kind of resentment of feminism, you know, of like, 'Oh, you you guys sent us to work, like that's what the feminist did. I'd rather be here at home.' But what the feminists did was gave us the choice of what we wanted to do, right? We weren't allowed to have bank accounts. We weren't allowed to wear pants. We weren't allowed to have credit cards, own land, all these things right? And so now I'm seeing that resurgence of like anti feminist views of like, I'd rather be a stay at home wife, a stay at home girlfriend. If you have that option, cool. I would love to not labor because we're in late stage capitalism. But we, you know, we don't want to be dependent on someone giving us money, a roof over our head because it's a house of cards, in my opinion, even if you're married, even if you're married. And this person is providing quote, providing for you. You know, there's obviously benefits to marriage. There's trust. There's the financial, you know, union also, but in many ways that can all end tomorrow. And so I think that it's very dangerous for young girls, young women to want to aspire to that stay at home wife, stay at home girlfriend. That's what I think.

Myisha: Yeah, yeah, I do think it's dangerous as well. I think that, you know, they're the kind of trend ranges from girls who actually just have no job at all, which I think is is dangerous if, if we lived in a different economic system. And everybody was receiving universal basic income

Diosa: Right, universal income! Yeah.

Myisha: Like, okay, yeah, but not bringing anything in. And it also really like kind of ranges to, you know, people who are giving their paychecks over to their boyfriends or husbands in the interest of having their money managed for them and their lives managed for them. And, and that to me, kind of going back to our earlier question asker of like, oh, is it wrong to like, give your power away in the bedroom? No. Is it wrong to give your power away in financial ways? Yes, yes, I believe that it is because, yeah, we have all heard the stories, we may have lived in households where this is the way that things were and it is not pleasant. It is not pleasant. It is also to me, like so degrading, to be in a situation where you have to ask someone for money, not only that, but when it's your own money?

Diosa: Yes.

Myisha: Oh, my goodness.

Diosa: No.

Myisha: What are we doing?

Diosa: No, I agree with you. Yeah, I agree that the power dynamic that it creates within that relationship, I don't think is one that you want to have. You don't want to have to ask for money or your own money if you're giving your paycheck over. Because I've heard, like you said, like, there's so many stories of the quote, "head of household" being the man mismanaging the funds and not paying the mortgages and not paying the credit cards. And next thing, you know, they're knocking on your door, and they're evicting you. Like, I don't think you want to give your power over in that way.

Myisha: And if you watch any of the housewives...

Diosa: There we go!

Myisha: I mean, there's jail time involved sometimes.

Diosa: Yes.

Myisha: You could be in jail because of some weird shit that your husband did.

Diosa: Yes.

Myisha: Yeah. So let's, let's, let's take the benefits of feminism as they were given, which is you have the choice. Absolutely, one hundred percent, but let's also take care of ourselves and make sure that in, like under capitalism, under what the restraints that we currently have, that if the shit hits the fan like you have ability to leave a bad situation if it turns bad. Yeah. And then the glorification of it on TikTok, that's the part that is like that, that's hard for me too because if it's a personal choice, and it works for you and your relationship, then far be it from me to judge if it doesn't end up in something bad for you. But the glorification of it and just being like, this is this is the way to be?

Diosa: Yeah, that's, not to be harsh but are you boring? Like, do you have a personality? I'm sorry, but like, you're what, are you alone all day? Like, are you, do you have a dog? Like, are you just, what are you doing? Are you calling your friends? Like your friends are working. Like are you meeting friends for lunch? They're probably working. Like, what is it that you do other than run a house, which is incredible hard work, like not to diminish that, but what else are you doing?

Myisha: For yourself.

Diosa: For yourself! Exactly.

Myisha: And for your own development and sense of purpose in this world.

Diosa: Yes!

Myisha: Yeah.

Diosa; Right, because the what I'm seeing in this TikTok glorification is not ‘my partner is is taking care of us so that I can go get my degree so I can get a certificate, so I can do this and that.’ There's there's a resource sharing in partnership, but it's 'no he runs our financial life and pays for us to live this way, so I run the house and this is what I do.' And I think if we're, if we were seeing the other version of like, yeah, this person is supporting me while I'm trying to get to the next step. Doesn't have to be career, it could be anything, right? I'm trying to develop in this way, this whatever, but it's 'I'm gonna be home all day and I'm taking care of us,' which again is also hard work, but what are you doing for yourself?

Myisha: Yeah, ugh. I have so many questions like it's not just the what are you doing? But it's also like, who hurt you?

Diosa: Are you okay?

Myisha: Are you okay? And, you know, I know there's a lot of blowback on these posts as well, so it's not like we're the first people asking these questions, but yeah. I'll be interested to see if this trend grows or if there's so much pull, you know, blowback that people are like, okay, if I'm going to do this, I'm just going to keep it to myself.

Diosa: Right.

Myisha: I don't know how many like, stay at home girlfriends stans there are going to be in the future, but we'll see.

Diosa: We'll see!

Myisha: Mmm. Well, thank you so much Diosa, this was a pleasure speaking with you. And yeah, I think that our listeners are gonna really have some valuable takeaways from what you were able to share. So just really appreciate you joining us today. Before we go, how can people find you either online or in real life if you're doing any events that we should know about? Of course, the podcast is coming back out soon. So any updates there too?

Diosa: Yes! So you can keep up with Locatora Radio and all the shows that we're making. We have a new show launching this year as well with My Cultura podcast and iHeart Radio. So you can keep up with us like I said at Locatora underscore Radio on all social media platforms. And I'm Diosa Femme as well on all socials.

Myisha: Amazing. Thank you so much!

Diosa: Thank you for having me!

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Myisha: That's it for today! Thanks for listening. If you're struggling with something in your love life, remember, I'm here to help. You can always send us an email or a voice memo. Our email is sex life at kcrw dot org.

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Myisha: How's Your Sex Life is a KCRW original podcast. Our producer is Andrea Bautista. Our executive producer is Gina Delvac. This episode was recorded by Sue Margulies and mixed by Hope Brush. Our music was created by Carolyn Pennypacker Riggs. Special thanks to Arielle Torrez, Malorie McCall, Adam Serrano, Connie Alvarez, Arnie Seipel, and Jennifer Ferro. And as always, a huge thanks to our voice actors. We'll let them introduce themselves on the way out.

Voice actor 1: This is Lena Ransfer. Thanks for listening!

Voice actor 2: This is Adria Kloke. Be sure to follow the show and you’ll never miss an episode.

Voice actor 3: I’m Zacile Rosette. See you next week for another episode of How’s Your Sex Life.